October 13th, 2006

(no subject)

I got really sad yesterday. When we are around new couples I get very depressed because I think of the lack of intimacy we have and the sex life we've never really had at all. I get angry that these people get to have a sexually charged beginning and that that was taken away from us. We visited two friends that were all over eachother and talked about sex a lot. On the drive home I kept feeling like I was going to cry. Vicki was sweet, she was holding my hand and has been extra affectionate for the past week or so, but it always just stops at cuddling and hand holding. She didn't know I was down until I brought it up, and then she totally froze. I could feel it in her hand, then it travelled all the way up her body. She stopped talking and went a little cold. When we got home it was very late. I was exhausted, sick and sad. I asked if we could talk before we went to bed and I couldn't help but cry. She just sat there like a stone until I said that it really bothers me that I can't ask for support.
I feel bad because she has been more affectionate, holding hands and cuddling...then I still cry on her. It was like getting a taste of her being affectionate and then seeing a couple that has it all just made me feel so empty and angry about what we are missing. This is a different spin on our old cycle of me wanting more, me getting sad, her shutting down and both of us getting frustrated. She said she gets mixed signals because she thinks she is being better, giving me more, then I still get upset. One step forward and two steps back, she says. I just feel like I need more support and she just hates herself and the situation whenever I get that way. She says she gets so angry she wants to hit something. Not angry at me, but at circumstances and patterns.
Why am I okay for a long time, then the week she is more affectionate, this hits anyway? It doesn't seem fair.
Then I feel like I have fucked something up because we talk a bit, I get stuff off my chest, but she shuts down and we don't have the little affections for a little while. It makes her hate herself. She said that I don't want anything unreasonable, that how I acted last night was not unreasonable. She says that she is the one being more unreasonable but she just freezes. She told me I haven't fucked anything up and that I can't be hard on myself for this, that I am understandably frustrated. Then I see her be so hard on herself. She hates herself over this.
I talk to others for support mostly, because she has too much invested in this, it makes her feel too bad. But sometimes I just need to talk to her so much, to get reassurance that there is hope, that we love eachother enough. I only bring it up every few months now. When we don't talk about it, we have small affection, but no big improvements from limbo. When we do talk about it, i feel like I have messed up a chance for improvement, like I have set us back. Its been seven or eight months since we were intimate and she had a breakdown when that happened. I wouldn't want frequency to improve at the expense of upsetting her.
She hasn't called a therapist yet. It feels like she is scared to. I want to scream and throw the phone in her hand. Its been about a month since she got insurance. A few days ago, I got the list of therapists out and wrote my insurance number on the top of it. I gave it to her and said "here's my insurance info, you'll need it" then just left it at that. I know she is thinking about it, but something is blocking it.

I didn't sleep much last night. I've had the flu for 10 days. I'm so tired today and I feel really lost. I am exhausted today, long day at work. Thanks for listening. I'm just feeling very lost today and hoping she is ok. We'll see eachother after work and we roll with this...I just wish it didn't involve so much pain for both of us.

Still, it always seems worth riding it out. I love her so much.

Is it wrong to feel okay when things are only "alright"?

My life is not the greatest, I have my dissorders and I deal with them, but as we all know, sometimes are easier than others... My simple question is this...Am I wrong for feeling "alright" when things aren't okay, but convenient. Love is out of the question, and a relationship is unworkable...Friends, co-workers and family tell me to walk away and let it go before I really end up hurting myself, but the reality is, I know the situation. I know the details, and the full hearted, honest truth of every aspect of the friendship. At first I was distressed and always crying over the fact that such a person was never going to love me, until I realized, i'm happier that he won't. I like him now, and I think a boyfriend would be great, but I also know if he were in fact my boyfriend, i'd want things to go back to the way they are now...Cause that's just how I am. I am alright knowing we barely hang out (we live far away from one another) and we talk every day as friends. None of it bothers me. I know there is no real future with this, it's just convenient for the both of us. (Don't get the wrong impression...we don't do "it") My only objection is when a relationship is brought up... not only is it "It couldn't work" but he makes me feel bad about it. "Not only could it not work, but I mean I think about it, but how could it? You're here, i'm here" so on and so fourth...he brings up every aspect of why something couldn't work, instead of how it possibly could. He is a positive person, much more so than myself, but when the subject is brought up...he continues on without knowing it until i'm nearly in tears. I get quiet and can barely speak, sometimes I say I need to go, then I just cry. But when it isn't mentioned...I'm okay with the way things are, it doesn't bother me because like I said, i'm "content". I know it's never good to be with someone simply because you're lonely...But...I don't want to be with someone. I am not far enough along in my recovery to be with anyone, therefore, why can't his convenient company be alright?