October 3rd, 2006

Weird situation

I started my new position last week, I'm running a hospice unit for the company I've been with for awhile. The weird thing is that the social worker on my team looked at me and said that I looked familiar. I told her that I've worked in alot of hospitals in the community. Two days later she comes back to me and starts asking me several questions about my past, like where I'm from, where did I go to school etc. I answered but I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of my elementary school. Then she said it. My face turned red and I was thrown right back there. Turns out that she was my kindergarden teacher! This is not a good thing. She and all the other teachers and administrators let me down. They turned a blind eye to the abuse or never saw it so no one rescued me. Now she works for me. Now I'm back on the medication to keep me calm. Just what I needed with everything else going on in my life!!
fuck it up

(no subject)

Thanks to everyone to their responses to my last post. I'm sorry for posting so much, but this is the worst I've felt in recent memory, and the most I've been surrounded by it.

My mother did sit down and talk to me this morning. She apologized for her reaction, but there was definitely still anger there. We were both angry at each other for awhile, but our discussion ended well as she began to understand where I was coming from.

I also went to my school early this morning to talk to guidance. I was informed that while the guidance office has a duty to report a rape no matter what, the adjustment counselor (which I didn't know existed) could remain entirely confidential. I talked to her for awhile, told her everything financially was being worked out and I told her my situation at home. I also expressed to them how upsetting, tactless, and triggering the Guidance Head's remarks had been and they apologized to an extent. I probably won't be going there again about this, simply because there's not a lot of trust there anymore. They told me I could take some time off if I needed it, which is what I'm doing now.

I'm feel as though I'm regressing. Not so much a reaction to a trigger, I'm just starting to respond to things the way I did directly after the rape. I'm more introverted, defensive, emotionless, and hard about things.

I know it's probably because I've been forced in one way or another to tell more people about my rape in the past 2 days than I ever have before. People who I do not know or trust.

This is how I explained it to my mom: now that so many people know, I feel that a lot of places that were comfortable for me have become "contaminated". I didn't tell my family because I didn't want the rape in my house. Now both parents know, and my house doesn't feel like a safe space anymore. It's the same with school.

My mom gave me the number of a free counselor. I've never considered counseling before, but I'm considering it. I'm just so angry, because things had been going so well in my life, I was so strong emotionally. I feel like I've been set back months.

I'm sorry this is so long and self involved. I'll put it under a cut if I need too. I'm so greatful for this community right now though.
Bear

Weekly thought-stirring question: Isolation

Abuse thrives on silence and isolation. All types of abusers often use isolation as a means to secure themselves in a position of power. Whether it's being controlling and keeping you separate from friends or family, or if it's a date rapist separating you from your usual group of friends - many abusers use isolation as a tool to continue abusing others.

Isolation removes us from outside perspectives on our situation. Since so much of abuse is perpetuated with secrets and silence, isolating a person can make it all the more difficult for someone who's being abused to recognize the abuse and get away from it.

So often, people stay in abusive situations because we are unsure or where we could go to get away from it, or we're unsure if we're being abused. Over time, that isolation almost becomes programmed into our minds: we separate ourselves off from others either because we feel we can't talk about our abuse, or we feel that others don't want us around.

Long after the abuse has stopped, survivors often isolate themselves either because of a lack of trust in people, or because they feel they are somehow tainted by the abuse they've survived. Many survivors often feel that they need to wear a "happy mask" with friends and family, which causes them to feel even more isolated - that they will not or cannot be accepted as who they are as a whole.

So this week's questions will focus on how you were isolated in your abuse, how you continue to be isolated, and to find constructive ways to overcome some aspect of your isolation.

- How were you isolated by your abuser? How did that isolation prevent you from getting help and support?
- Do you feel isolated in parts of your life now? How so? Are you being isolated by others, or are you more driven to isolate yourself?
- What ways do you think you could feel less isolated and more connected?

wow

wow there is so much to be said but not much time i'll start off with saying my health has gotten better. last sunday was two yr mark since i was assulted i did pretty good dealing with, by not trying to remember wat happend to me but to remember how much better my life is today an how far i've come. i just recently got out of an verbably abusive relationship where i was getting threaten to get the shit beat out of me. i haven't cut at all since skewl has started which is really surprizing. but yet today i did smash my head on the wall several time because i was pissed off really bad so i have a goose egg on my forhead. today i found out that a kid brought a gun to our skewl yesterday an know one knew about it today meaning he was walking the halls with a gun in his back pack. i have been going to skewl everyday and have been making it the hole day but this is most of wats new with me i hope everyone is doing good 

will write soon
Innocence

Letters to My Abusers Update

Hi, everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that I've extended the deadline for submissions for the Letters to My Abusers Project, from October 30th to December 30th. I'm having surgery Monday :( and will need a few weeks to recuperate.  I will still be sending out the newsletter weekly for all my subscribers.  If anyone is interested in receiving a free weekly newsletter for survivors, you can sign up at My Voice of Truth site.  Keep healing and growing.  
Love, Stephanie
www.myvoiceoftruth.com
www.letterstomyabusers.com
http://community.livejournal.com/reconditioning/