August 10th, 2006

(no subject)

So today at starbucks was so much better! I helped with coffee and snacks and then rang a bit. I'm so glad cause another crazy day would have been hell for me!  There probally is some added drama wth the regulars since I'm the new girl...but good thing I can zone all that out!  Communication seems like it's good...and not so good at times there. So better....

The other thing I have noticed is this; My perfectionist issues.  This revolves in any world where there is someone who is looking to me to do a good....and too whom I want to please and excel by. I want to do a good job for myself as well....but just as well for them.  Now. This becomes a problem when I'm not moving at the speed, or grasping a concept, that I feel I should.  I.E. on register the other day I had a hard times with names of drinks and how to say them right.  I got mega frustrated with myself and kind of beat myself up for it.  I have to learn not to do that. It was only my second day!!!

This not only effect my day job...but I'm just as hard on myself in the creative field. The first day...if it's not right....I get upset with myself. I have to be reminded that I should be having fun!  I say...It's fun! but I have to get it right!

I know that these issues stem from being brought up in an alcholic enviroment. Possible in it's own right....the sexual abuse and consistant movement when I was younger.  Trying to make sure everyone's pleased thus everything is perfect thus there are no conflicts.

That is a really hard lesson though for me. I don't know exactlly how to go about begining to learn to handle it correctly. I guess it all goes into acccepting the work I do as good and is as much as I can do at that time.

It's hard for me to even accept the progress I've made in begining to heal because of this. People will say...."you've come so far....your very brave!" I'll just nod my head and shrug my shoulders. I don't really believe it. I don't even know how to understand in beliving it. 

Thanks ya'll. Your such a great bunch and help me out into so many ways with your support!

beauty

You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Sorry I've disappeared. I do that on livejournal a lot. And when things are going well, I don't write as much.

Just an update: a few weeks ago, Sophia (sepia_lies) and I hung out. We watched "Speak", the feature film version of the popular book, and had our own sort of survivor community convention. Pretty sweet stuff.

I feel empty today. My limbs feel slack. There's this tension feeling in my back that I tend to get. I don't know what this feeling is, even though I've experienced it so many times. I feel sad, anxious, angry at everyone in my house (I live with my mom, sister, my uncle, and his three kids, ages 7, 11, and 13). I'm angry at my boyfriend for working all of the time, for not physicly being here to support me. I'm upset and anxious about moving out on my own with my boyfriend, unsure of how we are going to 'make it' on our own. Upset that we can't just move in now and start making things the way we want them to be. And, to top it all off, I ran out of Lexapro yesterday, and it was only like a two month sample. I don't feel like going to a psychiatrist, but I think I might have to, or I'll do something stupid. Whatever I have, when I'm not on medication, I am prone to shopping sprees, irrational thinking and taking irrational actions, extreme exaduration of everything, and mood swings that compell me to believe that everyone is abandoning me. And for an extra bonus, I've been hearng people talk to me lately; people who I know aren't there. They tell me things, that I'm crazy and that everyone I've ever cared for will leave me. I know it's not real, but it's very scary. It's the threat of actually being nuts that scares me.

I didn't mean for that to be a list of complaints. But since it's all written down, I feel somewhat relieved. Although a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting.