August 4th, 2006

Trust

(no subject)

Cross-posted to my journal

I got to thinking this morning...

I daydream. A LOT. I notice that I do it at times when I'm feeling stressed out about one thing or another. I never remember what's going on in the real world at those times. Sometimes people see me, for instance, waving at somebody who isn't there (not that it's like a hallucination - I'm daydreaming that a person is there, and I'm waving at them). I'll start thinking of ways to hide something I don't want people to find... something that only exists in my daydream. I've done this as long as I can remember.

It just made me start to think... could this be a mild form of disociation? I know I disociate sometimes, just to the point where I'm feeling kind of spacey and disconnected from everything - to where I forget even the things I've really been looking forward to doing.

It's starting to become a real problem.. I never remember things I was told to do, and thus get in trouble for not doing them. Or, at school, I'll miss an entire lesson - even if it was something I was looking forward to hearing about. It's like I'm thrown into a dream, and can't get out.

What do you think?
I wish I could cry without bleeding

Time,.. sometimes doesnt heal anything.Hides it well tho.

Hi..Im Jase, I'm..old. LOL I'm going through EMDR with a therapist right now. I remember what happened. I just didn't think it was wrong.Til now.
I have that daydream type problem too. Channel it into writing sometimes. But lately...Ive been frozen.
Walkin round the house in PJ's staying in bed.
Able to scrape enough motivation together to cook,wash dishes, bare minimum parenting and go to Squadron meetings.(Military based youth group my dad, son and I are in)*just noticed the order I put who in*

I get home and I retreat into inertia.Not working out, barely remembering to eat and shower, good thing everything but the rent is on auto pay.Havent done a damn thing with the car in this heat..needs oil changed badly. Im on disability for a major back injury and do freelance graphics to supplement. Im snarling at my kid, he doesnt deserve it. Im snarling at my dad...who does.

Things have gotten worse since I started the EMDR.

My partner,Angel, says its gonna get worse before it gets better..Gawd..if it gets any worse than this, I'm afraid Im going to do something permanent to myself.SO far..Ive been able to stop myself from injuring myself.THe impulse to pick up something and beat myself is very strong. Always the face. I used to have intense problems with it in my 20s.Now, its back.
Im not a danger to my kid. I'd die before I hurt him, so don't worry there.Grumping at him and hiding in my bedroom has been what Ive been doing.I'm going to tell him hes done nothing wrong....I should tell him that a lot. Just in case he feels its his fault..ya know??

If anyones not comfortable with me being here ..Ill go. Don't know where else to turn. I was raised not to show pain or talk about this stuff and feel kind of awkward talking about this stuff at my age.

Peace, and brownies.