July 29th, 2006

Just Listen

I hope no one minds.

I hope no one minds if I make a reminder about my blogathon.

Blogathon day is today, and I'm blogging for RAINN. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. It'll be a long day, pray for me to make it.

You can donate here., All goes directly to RAINN. And you can donate up to 48 hours after the event, which ends at 8 AM tomorrow morning. Or you can just come hang out with me on my journal at ascarredbody.

I don't have a theme, so I'll just be making random posts. Wish me luck. And thank you.

(no subject)

I got a new job. And I realise I get really panicy when I have alot going on in my life. Mostly when It takes up my time and I cant talk to Andrew.
Ok soo I have drivers ed for two more weeks, Ends on the 11th. Not really fun at all..I need to wake up early..blah blah. So than This week I go from 1-5 Mon-Wensday. Than wensday night is my frist appointment with my new therapist Mary. Than..I work Saturday. Being a minor is amaxing I cant work more than 20 hours a week which means 5 hours and 4 day work weeks...lol. So thats good. BUT I need Andrew in my life. I guess it would be slightly easier if he would answer his emails...anyway so I freak out alot when my time with him is limited. 
Anyway, he knows And at some points I need him just to say "I love you" It makes everything so much better. Its like...I can do anything when he says it. I feel amazing when he says it, like....come what may,..Ill be fine becuase he loves me. What is that?

Anyway...Ive been having Panic attacks.Now Ive had them ever since I was little. Maybe...7. Right after my abuse.I would have them maybe 3 times a day. I haed them. I was so unstable. I was a mess. A wreck. If I would have known I could kill myslef I would have done it.
I would cry..mostly becuase I couldnt stand being w/o my mom. Again I thoguht she would sell me or leave me on some corner or give me away. I was terrified to be left alone, beucase I thought id be abandoned. So I would cry. And I would throw up, I have a nervous stomach so I alwasy felt sick. I was always so afriad. I had a very hard time with dealing with my panic attacks. And my mom would yell at me for crying so much. But now...now there very differant.
I had a panic attack maybe...two days ago. Because I could feel what my abuser did to me. It scared me so bad.

Help anyone? Comments? Thoughts?