July 27th, 2006

(no subject)

I have a therapist I like and respect a lot. She has helped me move toward things I've had a lot of trouble with, like anger and depression. I've grown a lot since I started with her and she is the first therapist I do not feel smarter than. She is very perceptive. But... We seem to have major differences of opinion on certain areas. When we touch on these areas I want to tell her she is full of shit. I am hesitant to talk about my relationship with her.

I sense she does not agree with my partner's and my analysis of our no-sex situation. She can get quite harsh and almost aggressive if I'm talking about any shared finances. I see Vicki and I as a steady and strong couple that has been together for years. There is no plan of us leaving any time soon, and we grow to help eachother out more and more. We have hangups and imperfections that don't mesh so well as a "unit", but that's why we're both talking about therapy.

One example: A fear Vicki has about starting therapy is not being able to afford it. It'll be a $30 copay once she is on my insurance. I have said I would help her psy for it. My therapist was dead against that, arguing that we need to be two separate people and I shouldn't "overfunction" in the relationship. We still have separate bank accounts and incomes, we split bills in half and help out whichever one of us is low that month.

She also argues that having sex as infrequently as we do is really abnormal for a 25 year old and hints that I should think about other options.

You would think that the fact that Vicki and I communicate a lot would be good, that we're both talking about working on this, that we've acknowledged some of our major hang ups is a good thing. You would think that the fact that I've moved away from my abusive parents and drawn lines for them to respect with the support of Vicki would be a major acheivement. Vicki forces me, a very passive person, to make major decisions about my life.
Two 25 year olds trying to make it work in a culture obsessed with sex seems to be a positive thing.

I know we don't do everything right, but I hope it is worth working and waiting for. So often I think about what we haven't had. But I see such an infinite glimmer of potential within Vicki and within us.

How do you know when your therapist is full of shit, and when she is showing you something you are not strong enough to see? I hate doubt and uncertainty.

(no subject)

Thanks for all your input. Part of it is just being scared and wanting to be in control. So I probably have an instinctual lash-out toward any threatening phrases, even if they aren't true, or even that threatening.

Right now I am working on hope, and the very scary fear of Vicki not going to therapy. I can't make her go. I can't go for her. She's cried and expressed she needs and wants therapy...but she can be a procrastinator. I'm afraid she'll make up too many excuses, out of fear.

We've been hanging on for almost three years despite this. I think we both see it as enough to fight for. So I need to work on just sitting back and supporting her.

That's probably what the underlying subject was in my post.

Radio Interview | HTC Photos



I appeared on a radio talk show for 'Darkness To Light' with host Kathleen Brooks from Ethicalife.com for this week's show called 'Voices of Strength - Speak Out'. Please feel free to tune in and listen to the show at the links below.


Listen to the show


First Segment
Second Segment
Third Segment





Last week's 'Healing Through Creativity' event was amazing! 4 members of the CD 'Voices of Strength', Haullie (me), Brian, and Catherine attended this amazingly healing event organized by George who is also a member of the 'Voices of Strength' CD. Guests joined in on presentations to help heal the soul and foster awareness, a VOS presentation and listening session filled with emotion, compassion and support, and child abuse survivors had the incredible opportunity of being a part of 'The Show of Hands' founded by Lodi Larson.


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