July 25th, 2006

made of thread and patches

(no subject)

I really do hate my ability to remember dates so well. Sure, it's great for birthdays and the like, but sometimes it's an absolute curse....ten years. Half a life time. My only hope is that the bastard doesn't call me. Because I honestly don't think I will be able to handle that. Not this year. I'm just really glad that he and my mother don't know about Otakon, because if he came out here last May, what's to stop him from driving a few hours? I can see none. I know him too well. And I'm not going to be able to keep a knife with me. At least I had that last year. I'd like to sleep, without the dreams, but if the past two nights are any indication, that's not going to happen. And despite the heat, I really want hot chocolate. It always help. And it will get easier. But it won't ever go away.
Mine, Dru, Spike

(no subject)

I'm frustrated. J and I agreed I should go to therapy (we're gonna look on the 16th) but... I don't know if it will help. It seems like a waste of money, really. What are they gonna do, tell me hallucinations are bad? Whee. I've been stuck on this healing shit for a month. I don't know where to go, that's why I want a therapist. But they just.. let you talk. They don't do anything. I know I'm driving J crazy being all wishywashy and changing my mind but... I can't help it. -_-


So, I get how music can be soothing and all that, but I never would have thought it would impact me THAT much.
When I was little, I was very...not stable. 
I had a really bad case of Separation Anxiety from my mom. I always thought she would just decide that she didnt want me one day adn leave me somewhere. So it scared me to be without her.
Anyway when I was  this little, im talking...5 , 6 and on, and I would sleep over at people houses alot. I would cry all night. I didnt like no sleeping in my bed. I mean It freaked me out to be in unfmailiar surroundings, especially without my mom. SO I would sit up and cry all night, and go through many panic attacks and just...be so scared.
So my aunt Kathleen made me a casset tape. She didnt know what she was doing. She made it for my birthday. But the first song on the tape, was Enya's Watermark, off of the Watermark CD. That song..did amazing things for me. That was the only way I got to sleep at night. Thats the only way I would stop crying and calm down. It HAD to be playing constantly for me to sleep. It made all the bad things go away and everything would stop adn id be calm. It took the pain away.
Even to this day its an amazing song. It still does what it did for me as A child.

And just for you all who arent familiar with Enya, heres where you can find the clip. (Go figure shes Irish...)


Does anyone eles have these types of songs?


Thought stirring question of the week: Keywords

Something almost all survivors experience is difficulty in communicating, especially when we're upset or talking about our abuse. The human brain has a few very specific functions when we're upset: shut down all non-life-essential functions, re-route blood to the vital organs and muscles, and do whatever's possible to lower stress.

Shutting down all non-life-essential bodily functions means that our brains shut down our centers of higher learning: our complex logic, our long-term memory, and most importantly? Our centers of speech! Our brains literally shut down when we're under stress, making the formation of even basic sentences under stress very difficult.

For survivors, this means that often when we most need to communicate, to our therapists, to our friends, or to our family, we can't. When we're most upset and want or need to explain why, our brains just can't come up with the words. Not being able to communicate at these crucial times is frustrating, and often leads to some pretty negative feelings about ourselves. When we're not in crisis, we find it just as difficult to explain about that stressful situation - as thinking about that moment when you couldn't talk can sometimes trigger that same speech-center shutdown, starting the cycle all over again.

So this week we'll focus on keywords and their use.

A keyword is something you set up in advance with someone with whom communication is important in stressful times. Say for example that you have a trigger that makes you absolutely terrified. If you tell your partner, your friends, etc. in advance that when you're triggered, you often can't let them know what's wrong. Let them know that you're upset enough that you can't explain it, or answer questions well. Then, give them a specific word, or words that will be your keyword. With the trigger example I used, let's say you choose "Trigger-scared" as your keyword. Saying that word indicates to those close to you *exactly* what is going through your mind.

When you set up a keyword, you are giving your circle of supporters a key to knowing what to do. Often, our supporters want to help, but just don't know what to do and when to do it. By setting up a keyword with them, you can tell them *exactly* what to do with each keyword. Yes - it's okay to have more than one (if you have more than a few, it's okay to write them down). You're giving them the power to help you, how you need it and when you need it. It helps you get the support you need, and it helps them feel less helpless to support you

So this week's questions:
- When do you most often find yourself unable to communicate?
- Is there a keyword you could use to indicate you've reached that place?

- If you've used keywords already, how have they been most helpful?