July 19th, 2006


can you feel the butterflies?

okay, i promise, last post tonight.

my dad was an artist. he used oil pastels, and his pictures loocked as if they were painted with light. he drew mostly landscapes, serene, sometimes tubulent, depending on his life at the moment. one time, when he was in his prime, i believe, he painted a butterfly for me. i think because he knew i liked bugs. many years later, when i had begun to hate his life (he was an alcoholic, but that was a symptom of a deep depressive disorder, one i have inherited), the picture sat in my closet, dusty, the glass in the frame broken thanks to books pilled on top of it. when he died, this painting had new meaning for me. i had survived sexual assult, and could identify with the butterfly emerging from the husk of its cacoon.

one time, i drew this picture in black ink of a butterfly black and white. it was torn at the edges, one wing was almost dislocated. this was in the time of not being able to speak of what had happened to me. i showed it to my dad, and he seemed to know. he took my template and created something like a moth, with swirling edges in the wings, but still devoid of color or anything in the backround.

as a testement to my father, who had lived an unfullfilled life due to circumstances of genetics and hardship, who i loved, and as a testement to my rising above circumstances,i want to design a tattoo that incorperates all of these things into one. my body tells a story, of scars and depth and beauty that i want to be etched into clear pictures and print one day. all of these experiences have made me, and what better way to share a story?

i dont know why im sharing this. i guess ive thought about it, but wanted to write it out.

pissed very pissed and this ain't going out to my gurls out there helping me out

this is f*cking bullshit i'm sick of this f*cking shit i get harrased every where i go  and i find a place where i can be myself then people come in and f*ck it over and ya trying to file a harrasment complaint but the e-mails and comments to one of the peoples didn't do sh*t it said they couldn't help all i really can say right now is thank god my god son is here LJ is falling apart people are f*cking jerks and you know who you are i'm sick of this sh*t and knowone helping out like the mod i'm just really really really sick of this crap i'm here for support not to be put down get called names and ugly e-mails

Empowerment meme

Reposted from my personal journal, my friendslist liked this, thought you might enjoy it also.

* List two things you admire about yourself.

* List a serious, long-term goal you have for your life.

* List a concrete step you can take, today or tomorrow, towards achieving that goal.

* List something you can do to help others, to make the world better in some way, to promote a cause you believe in.

* List some people who care about you.

* List some things you enjoy about life, that make it meaningful and worth living for you.


i think i'm done with LJ so for right now i'm saying bye maybe i'll change my mind but as far as it goes right now i doubt it i can't take this anymore exspeacialy after what i found today it's just makes me wanna die just end it leave this cruel world but not anyone cares so minus well i luv my gurls and guys that have been supporting me lately i wish u the best of luck good bye





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