July 18th, 2006

so ya

i'm still not keeping things down so i've stoped eating and drinking b/c i'm sick of getting sick my mom knows that i can't keep stuff down and she also know that it has been 9 days but ya it's getting worse today my face and hand went numb my stomache my chest and back started to hurt and i got real dizzy and felt like i was gonna pass out i'm really scared and the doctors office is like 15 min away driving and thats the highways so ya anyways just thought i would post and what not

looooong story

Every summer my partner and I go to these music festivals together. This summer was our third year and she got to go for the full 10 days. I drove back and forth for two weekends. While apart for the week we both had very intense weeks and got a lot of thinking done, I think we have figured out half of our problem. Now we just start the long road to fixing it...

While I was away she had several people flirt and actually try to seduce her. She behaved though. One was a bit interesting to her and she brought up the idea to me when I got to the festival. She wondered if opening up our relationship to have affection (but not sex) with other people might help our lack of a sex life. She said it might help to stimulate what feels frozen in her and it might help to get those feelings back with me. I took it all the wrong way and after we parted I got angry, I kept to myself and yelled and processed and cried. I didn't want to have a fight with her, so I processed all this on my own, the smart thing. I was driving myself nuts with thoughts like "Why does she want someone else and not me?" "Why do we have to be messed up? Why did her abuse take our love life away from us?" "What if she can't have that with me?" I was angry at myself and the people hitting on her and with her at some level. I let myself feel anger, I usually cant feel that. I screamed til my throat hurt. I was glad I didnt just go to her and cry because we usually have the pattern of her shutting down, me crying and her shutting down more. I'm glad we broke that pattern this time.

I calmed down and was okay, then when she got home she started talking about it. We were both in okay moods so I was very glad to talk about it in a positive place. I had taken what she said too seriously. She suggested thinking about that as an option to help our bed death, and I took it as an all out desire for others over me on her part. She says that she really does want to have our love life back and she's just about willing to do anything to fight lesbian bed death for us. She doesn't want to leave me or cheat on me. She wants to spend her life with me :) She just suggests we consider everything and keep communicating. I asked if we could just both start therapy before we think about more radical options like that.

Then we hit on a BIG realization. She has always wondered why I am more of the jealous type. It bothers me if someone flirts or she flirts back. I bristle up even though I know she is faithful and won't do anything. I really get hurt and insecure if she says she is attracted to someone. She doesn't even realize she is flirting and enjoys the attention she gets from others. So this week she realized she has a negative association with affection, not just sex. SHe shut down sexually from the memory of abuse years ago....which caused me to overreact and freak out due to my own issues from emotional abuse in my childhood. I don't quite have all the tools I need to process my own emotions, so I've subjected vicki to more than I should have.
Her negative association with simple affection, even just light kisses and stroking hair, comes from a pattern established early in our relationship. I started getting upset about her shut down, so when I only got a little bit of affection I would miss more, get scared and insecure and cry. If I initiated light affection and got no response I'd have the same reaction, like "Ah! We can't even do this, besides no sex! What's wrong with me???" So she associated the little bit of affection she could give with my breakdown. The breakdowns are really uncomfortable, who wants a breakdown, and she would feel inadequate and sad, so she now totally physically freezes and is unable to give me simple stuff.

So we both have issues we need to work on before we can work on "us". I had a therapy session that I was really looking forward to today, but I got the times mixed up and ended up being late, only caught the last ten minutes of it. We talked just enough to get me really nervous then sent off. It's frustrating. I started to bring this up to my therapist but she got a very quick fragmented summary before she told me that my partner's idea is bullshit and if she wants to leave she should just say so instead of blaming me for problems. That made me very insecure! She says I divert my energy into the relationship more than staring myself down and figuring myself out. She says my enmeshed abusive family life carried into an enmeshed relationship.

Gah! I wish it had been longer than 10 min to explain us more and I wish that my partner wasnt working two doubles for the next two days. But then, one of the major issues my therapy is stressing is for me to learn to sit with my own emotions and deal with them, eh?

Why is this so scary? My partner says she wants to work through this and spend her life with me. Why does what my therapist say sound so theratening? What if my partner doesn't end up going to therapy for herself? Can my partner work through her own things and feel sexual and affectionate with me again? Can I work through myself to be okay with wherever we end up? What if my partner wants to leave and just doesn't know it? haha, I hate insecurity.

If you've read through this thank you so much for getting through a very long post!

response to a meetup...

wow, i have never posted anything that has gotten such a response! im not to sure if i could plan a thing like this, but id like to try. i know i will be travelling to toronto, canada sometime this summer/fall...other than that, i dont think i have enough funds to go anywhere else at least this year...what do you all think? should we try it? i think itd be a great show of strength, weve all had stuff happened to us, but we could get together and show that hey, were all still standing and flourishing, even. i think id get a lot of satisfaction out of that.

let me know if someone is up for coordinating something like this...id definately help. maybe we could get some kind of activity together, even like, one big support group type thing. i think a lot of people would be comfortable telling thier stories and what not to others from the community.

this whole community, i think it has the potential to be something big. i think we could change a lot, just with the sheer volume of our member count. each person belongs and has something to contribute, something to say, and a dream to fullfill. i say we change the world, one survivor at a time. though i have no idea where to start...

and on a personal note, the whole prospect of even meeting up with you guys is doing wonders for my mental state. just being part of a group like this makes me feel like im a part of something, even though were all here under a circumstance that is less than appealing. still, i feel strong, empowered even, that nothing can bring me down. it makes me want to fight for something.

whats your thoughts on all this? what has being a part of this community done for you? id love to hear all your stories.
peace, love, and chocolate,

questions, comments?

sorry for posting pretty much nonstop, im full of thoughts lately.

has anyone ever broken the silence, and then for some reason told everyone remotely close to you what has happened?

how did you break the silence? what are the circumstances around it? have you ever regressed in doubt and told everyone youve lied?

i love hearing from people. if you really need to talk (and i say this to everyone, i love all of you!)im just gonna throw this out there: my aim screen name is the same as my user name. feel free to come at me with whatever you want.

Thought stirring question of the week: Waiting for the other shoe to drop

If you haven't heard of the phrase "Waiting for the other shoe to drop", it's usually used to describe that feeling of dread, waiting for something bad to happen. You know that feeling when things are going well, and it just feels like it's too good to be true, like there's some catch to having this happiness? That's the feeling that "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" describes.

Many survivors of trauma and abuse experience this feeling. Whether it's because we were always most hurt when things were calm and stable, or our abusers intentionally attacked us when we felt good - it can be really tough to trust the feelings of safety, happiness, stability, and love.

Life is full of twists and turns, and for survivors sometimes it feels doubly so. Each random kick to the shins life gives you is bound to trigger you back to your trauma. After all, bad things always happen when we're feeling good, right? Even our own brains sometimes do this. We are most likely to recall a repressed memory or have a flashback when we are feeling stable, as your brain feels you are capable of handling stress better when you're already stable. So even when we can find happiness and safety away from our abusers, our happiness can be shortlived.

It can take a lot of time to get that feeling to stop coming up so strongly - a lot of time when you can consistently focus on accepting the unexpected bad things, and reassure yourself that your happiness didn't cause the bad things to happen. Consistency over time is the best way to fight that feeling, learning to trust life and people one step at a time before you can trust that things will happen and you can handle them

So this week's questions:
- When have you experienced this feeling of dread in your life?
- Have there been any times, even small ones, when you've been able to overcome that feeling? And if so, how?

- Examining when you most often have this feeling of dread, is there a feeling that connects them all? For example, do you feel people will betray you? Do you dread your partner cheating on you? Is there a common thread between most of those times?


i'm sick of lj and the harrasment i'm seriously think about closing down my accout i don't deserve to be called a fatty and the most ugliest picture also someone saying oh jenny craig must of failed i'm sick of it all lj is falling apart  people coming in and attacking our community its bs i can't takr it live journal have changed so much so if u could i would like to report two people on harrasment and if this is the wrong place to go to help then connect me to somone vthat could please thanks very much tiff