Today was my first counseling appointment. As it turns out, what it really was was me taking a screening test on a computer. The computer asked me why I was there, what my goals were, and a bunch of questions regarding how I feel about my life, sleeping patterns, etc. It was hard. Writing down why I thought I needed therapy was hard. It was also hard because after I finished the survey they printed it out and the screener read it, and then went to another room where I could hear her talk to another person (I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying though). It's a weird feeling I guess, to know that people know me as a rape survivor now. Both women came out of the room where one told me that they had limited staff right now (I'm using my university's free counseling services). The one woman asked me if I would be ok seeing a man, because she understood I'd probably prefer a woman more. It took me a while to decide. I said yes because I need help, but I'm not really sure I'd be comfortable with this. Do any of you female survivors see a man for your counseling? Is it uncomfortable? She said that he was really nice and that she thought I'd really like him, and was trying to help me because he's probably the only person who could see me on a regular basis right now. Otherwise I'd have to wait until the regular school year starts up in September, which is too long for me to wait. I know it's wrong of me to think this way, because men can be raped too, but I almost feel like he couldn't possibly understand. I know it's a ridiculous thought, I think another part of it is that I really am surrounded by a community of supportive women, and besides my male relatives I really have not many male friends, doctors, or superiors. I guess I think I would feel more inhibited talking to man, I'm not as comfortable around them. She called me after I got home and told me that she talked to the director and found a female counselor for me, which will hopefully turn into a regular basis, but she wasn't sure whether it could be regular or not yet. Sigh. My worries about not crying were unfounded it seems, because when I was filling out the survey I was holding back tears.
I just want to thank all of you for being so supportive so far, I really adore and appreciate this community. Some of you are so strong, and I really admire you all.
*sigh* Sorry for worrying people with the post previous to this. I really didn't mean to I was in an extremely depressed and mad mood, and I decided to leave the community because I was so frustrated with my life right now. I'm sorry to everyone. Also, I didn't mean to trigger anyone, I really didn't. I won't write that stuff anymore. Promise. Sorry. I think I may read the community but not post, as I think I'm giving up on recovering. Is that okay?