July 13th, 2006

I'm feeling scared......

So, I've fallen back into my normal routine. Basically ignoring everything that happened and my feelings surrounding it. You know what.....it feels nice not to think about it....but only for so long. There's a saddness that hangs over my head at all times. When I look back and read my journals, I realize how long I have been depressed. As some of you may remember, I did try to find a therepist only to be told by my insurance company that can not cover it until febuary of 2007 becuase it is a pre-existing condition. I have my name on a waiting list with one free service agency in town.

below cut: ranting about fear
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My first counseling "appointment"

Today was my first counseling appointment. As it turns out, what it really was was me taking a screening test on a computer. The computer asked me why I was there, what my goals were, and a bunch of questions regarding how I feel about my life, sleeping patterns, etc. It was hard. Writing down why I thought I needed therapy was hard. It was also hard because after I finished the survey they printed it out and the screener read it, and then went to another room where I could hear her talk to another person (I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying though). It's a weird feeling I guess, to know that people know me as a rape survivor now. Both women came out of the room where one told me that they had limited staff right now (I'm using my university's free counseling services). The one woman asked me if I would be ok seeing a man, because she understood I'd probably prefer a woman more. It took me a while to decide. I said yes because I need help, but I'm not really sure I'd be comfortable with this. Do any of you female survivors see a man for your counseling? Is it uncomfortable? She said that he was really nice and that she thought I'd really like him, and was trying to help me because he's probably the only person who could see me on a regular basis right now. Otherwise I'd have to wait until the regular school year starts up in September, which is too long for me to wait. I know it's wrong of me to think this way, because men can be raped too, but I almost feel like he couldn't possibly understand. I know it's a ridiculous thought, I think another part of it is that I really am surrounded by a community of supportive women, and besides my male relatives I really have not many male friends, doctors, or superiors. I guess I think I would feel more inhibited talking to man, I'm not as comfortable around them. She called me after I got home and told me that she talked to the director and found a female counselor for me, which will hopefully turn into a regular basis, but she wasn't sure whether it could be regular or not yet. Sigh. My worries about not crying were unfounded it seems, because when I was filling out the survey I was holding back tears.

I just want to thank all of you for being so supportive so far, I really adore and appreciate this community. Some of you are so strong, and I really admire you all.

(no subject)

Okay.. I've been avoiding even reading this journal (even though it's on my friend's page) so as not to deal with my "past." (Why do I call it my "past" instead of "rape" or something? Probably easier to deal with mentally/emotionally. Probably easier than saying the many rapes/molestations. Probably easier to deal with than admitting [even to myself] that it's been more than once)
Anyhoo... I'm not even sure why I'm writing in here...

It's funny... I just wrote this whole post about this Friday when I had some sort of panic/anxiety attack.. and then I deleted it.
I just feel so sad and I know that I need help, but I haaven't found another councelor again. And, work is sooo busy that I don't have time for anything. The panic/anxiety attack on Friday made me realize that I need help (it ruined my whole weekend - stayed in bed ALL DAY Saturday), but.... things keep getting in the way.
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golden blossom


After going through some upheaval in may life that was triggering, and what I thought was some healthy healing, I am in a weird spot.  I keep vividly remembering/feeling/etc. memories not neccesarily directly surrounding the rape.  Some of them are from a few years before.  It's really unsettling, and after/during, i recall parts of the rape or feelings from after it.  

Is this at all normal ... or have I finally cracked? It is so unsettling, that I avoided going out today (just stayed around the familiar).  A little scared by this, and a lot confused.  What the ...?

Mine, Dru, Spike

(no subject)

*sigh* Sorry for worrying people with the post previous to this. I really didn't mean to I was in an extremely depressed and mad mood, and I decided to leave the community because I was so frustrated with my life right now. I'm sorry to everyone. Also, I didn't mean to trigger anyone, I really didn't. I won't write that stuff anymore. Promise. Sorry. I think I may read the community but not post, as I think I'm giving up on recovering. Is that okay?