July 6th, 2006


I would like to know if anyone else has felt the way that I am feeling now-- I seem to be making a conscious decision to put alot of my past behind me, not necessarily ignoring that it happened but I'm getting tired of having it run my life. I'm not running from it, I've just realized that I can't change what happened, only the way that I react to it. I'm by far not even close to having this mission complete but I'm giving it a try. Anyone else travelled this road? Thanks

A Survivors Helpful Tool

As I was going through my shit last night, I happened to find a book my doctor gave me a few years ago to help me understand what I was feeling and why...its called Surviving With Serenity and its by T. Thomas...its a book of daily meditations for incest survivors...and it has all the days of the year, but without the actual year, so you can use it forever...

(no subject)

I've noticed something that I know is a direct effect of my abuse. I am terrified, and I mean TERRIFIED of telling people ANYTHING. It's quite absurd actually. I can't tell people what happened in a book. I can't tell people what part of a movie I liked best. I can't write personal thoughts in my diary - it's completely people-safe, full of things like, "I went to so-and-so's party today. It was a lot of fun. I hung out with so-and-so pretty much the entire time, and we ate way too much chocolate." Stuff that probably wouldn't be altogether too incriminating if found. My parents have also noticed this, and are getting angry, to say the least. I'm keeping pointless things a secret for no reason other than the fact that I can't be vulnerable - I must be strong all the time. I can't let other people see negative emotions. Once in a blue moon, it will happen, but I just CANNOT let myself tell people anything.

I took a blind leap today, and talked about that with a friend of mine. She ended up getting around to asking me what the root of the problem was. I, of course, know what it is, but I told her that it "wasn't something I want to talk about online." She was amazingly loving and caring about my inability to talk about whatever my "deep, dark secret" might be. Somehow she persuaded me to come over to her house tomorrow. We're going to have a whole chick flick day, and talk. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to tell her about my abuse. I've just decided that it's something I HAVE to do. I'm really scared though. I've dreamed for so long of breaking the silence. I never believed that I'd actually do it.

Does anybody have any suggestions for how to go about talking about it? How do I keep myself calm? I'm so afraid.

-Rachel Grace