July 1st, 2006


I was thinking last night about a lot of things.

One of the things that I'm coming to dislike about myself is my tendency to hide. There is no single person in my life who knows everything that's going on with me. It's almost like I got so used to keeping the secret of my abuse, back when I kept that a secret, that now I can't function if I'm not keeping secrets.

Sometimes this is a good thing; my friends know they can confide in me and I won't broadcast their problems to the whole world.

But I seriously get terrified at the thought of people finding out my secrets. I just recently told my best friend about this journal; until then, the only person in my real life who knew about this journal was my boyfriend, who rarely fools with LJ. And when I told my best friend about this journal, I told her it was okay for her to read it but that I'd prefer she not "friend" it, just in case anyone else does like I do and plays with their friends' friends pages when they're bored. I created this journal because I have friends on my "regular" journal that I don't really want to know about the problems I'm having.

I'm not usually a liar; I do my level best never to say anything that isn't true or that I'm not sure of unless I preface it with "don't take this as cast in stone" or something similar. But I seem to lie by omission, by keeping secrets.

On one hand, it's my life and it's my right to share or not share as I choose. On the flip side, why do I feel I have to hide from everyone? There's something I'm hiding from everyone in my life; for every close friend or relative, there is something they don't know about me, something I'm keeping to myself.

Does anyone else do this or feel this way?