June 21st, 2006

another one of those new people :-P

hey everyone, i figured i'd introduce myself. i'm christa, i'm 18 and i just graduated from highschool. i'm a survior of sexual abuse and incest. my so-called "brother" raped me from age 5 to 14. lately i've been having a lot of flashbacks and nightmares, espescially since i graduated last week. i'll post more about it later, but i just wanted to let you know who i am and my stituation right now. if anyone wants to chat, my aim sn is forgetting regret.

bright blessings
Yo Bunny
  • waylay

Huh

So I'm listening to an NPR program on family and how to parent your children. There are all these people calling in and talking about how to be a good parent to your children, how to model appropriate behaviour for your kids, how to raise healthy, productive kids, etc.

My parents were pretty good with most of these things. They instilled us with some fairly good values and they taught us to be somewhat motivated and fairly reasonable human beings. They encouraged us to think and to try to be happy. They taught us about sex and drinking and the kind of things you're supposed to teach your kids. They kept the lights on and the fridge stocked and clothes on our backs and they bought us books and educational toys and took us on mind-expanding trips.

However, listening to this program, I felt like some strange kind of alien. Why? Because the biggest things my parents could have done to raise me to be a happy, productive, functional person were the two things they didn't do. My father could have been a real father when we were growing up. He could have been around more, been dependable, shown up on time, cared about our activities and our lives, remembered out birthdays. He could have spent time with us, instead of spending money on us. My mother could have kicked out the abusive stepfather when he began misbehaving, instead of letting him live with us for years. She could have protected me from the consequences of living with him, which have screwed with my entire life from that point on.* These two things SO outweigh everything else my parents did or didn't do for us that the things this show was talking about pale in comparison. I feel like I must be from some other planet, because this one doesn't reflect my experiences.

Weird.

* I realize that this is victim-blaming. She was abused and she couldn't necessarily just kick him out. But it's how I feel.
Just Listen

Regression

Regression-

Not too terribly long ago someone made a post about regression. Regression into childhood ways/attitudes/feelings. Well I just wanted to make a post about this, I don't really know why. I guess because I think it happens because of my abuse.

It's almost like I have multiple personality disorder, except that it's not like different people, or that I'm not aware of them. It's just that you can catch me at say 8AM and it's like I'm one person and and hour or two later, I'm completely different. At certain times I'm this totally strong, independent, yet very angry person. At other times I'm this very innocent, childlike, loving person. Yet still at other times, I'm this weak-willed, incredibly sad person. And it's not just a change in emmotion, it's a change in everything. Depending on what type of personality I'm portraying, I have different opinions on things, and even different tastes in things like music, and such. Sometimes I'm completely against the death penalty, at others I'm for it, same with things like abortion, or the president. Sometimes I really like pop style music, at other times I despise it. Sometime I'm in love with screamo, other times I think it's stupid. I can watch South Park and laugh like an idiot, the next night I think it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

I guess I just want to know if this is normal, or if it happens to anyone else in the group?