June 13th, 2006


(no subject)

im back.

well, my engagment is going really well, except for a small hitch.

my parents dont know about my so-called-relative and what he did to me, so they want him at the wedding. there is no bloody way he is going to spoil my day of days. i dont want them to know what he did, but i dont want him at the wedding, watching me with those sick eyes of his, making me feel so dirty. it will ruin my whole day, and i dont want Scotty to have to deal with all my shit either. so im very anxious at the moment, struggling to find a happy medium, trying to decide if i should let it all out.

im also going to the doctor in two days... i think i might be pregnant. *sigh* i know this sounds really awful, but god i hope not, i cant deal with that right now.
Mine, Dru, Spike

(no subject)

Perhaps this is just me, but does anyone else have a hard time feeling sexually secure if there are even small criticisms coming your way?

I was thrilled that I could finally try wearing something semi-revealing, and I feel like that has been crushed again. I want to run back to my huge shirts and baggy jeans. My boyfriend made maybe two comments about how "other people" might percieve the way I was dressing as slutty. And those few words made me not want to even try anymore. Because I've worked so damn hard to be able to show off my body even a little bit, and he killed that completely. Is this normal? Is it something I'll get over? Is it even something other people have gone through?

Also, basically on the same note of people discouraged easily I suppose... I've had three people (including my boyfriend) say that my sexuality needs to be toned down. That, again, "other people" might not approve. I don't get why other people matter, honestly, but perhaps they do. But I don't see how what I do in the bedroom should matter to anyone else.
Should this stuff even bother me? :\

Weekly thought stirring: Panic attacks

As part of our Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, many survivors experience panic attacks. Panic attacks can range from milder moments of fear to complete paralyzingly terrifying moments. For each survivor, our panic attacks are unique. For some of us our panic attacks have set triggers, and can almost be expected under certain conditions. For others, panic attacks can come at random without any triggers, and can be tough to be ready for.

For many survivors, panic attacks and their triggers can lead to agoraphobia - a fear of the unfamiliar. Leaving your bed, your house, leaving anywhere familiar can be very difficult and require a lot of work.

Panic attack symptoms can include: increased heart rate, hot flashes, sweating, trembling, difficulty breathing, nausea, choking, inability to speak, feelings of unreality, feelings of paranoia, fears of losing control, fears of being sick, and even fears of dying. For some survivors, panic attacks can also trigger flashbacks and dissociative episodes, and in severe cases can even cause temporary hallucinations.

Since so many panic attacks occur when we are out in public, it can be very difficult to address a panic attack without feeling like everyone's looking at us. So this week, we'll focus on what usually triggers your panic attacks, what symptoms you have, and how you usually cope with panic attacks. Talking about the triggers can sometimes give us a good idea of things to work towards - for example, one of my major panic-triggers is the grocery store. So I have begun doing "intentional desensitization" exercises to lower the effect it has on me.

Intentional desensitization is when you allow yourself to be triggered, but not to the point where your emotions overwhelm you - to a point where it is tough, but tolerable. Then, through focusing on coping skills, you allow yourself to calm down a bit more. Doing this repeatedly over time will re-wire your associations, and can help make your triggers a lot harder to set off. The important key is allowing yourself to be triggered to only a 5 or 6 on a 1 to 10 scale (1 being "you're fine" and 10 being "it feels like the world's ending") - as if you are overwhelmed to the point that you need to avoid the trigger altogether, it can reinforce that trigger causing panic attacks.

So this week's questions are:
- What usually triggers panic attacks for you? Or are most of your panic attacks un-triggered?
- What symptoms are usually present in a panic attack for you?
- How do you usually deal with panic attacks?

Bonus question:
- Can you think of any ways to practice intentional desensitization to try to lower your specific triggers?

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So feel free to discuss things, sometimes we can learn new coping skills or figure out some of our triggers when we all put our heads together :)