February 12th, 2006

A book

I just started this book last night called "AFTER SILENCE: Rape and My Journey Back", by Nancy Venable Raine. I read the first chapter, and I must warn you that it is very graphic. She includes many details about her attack. But the message to her readers before the first chapter is very good. It had me crying, the way she could express in words, feelings that I have felt. It makes me feel good that parts of my story are actually written down, even though this is really her story. I just wanted to share this with you all incase anyone was interested enough to go and purchase this book. This is kind of my therapy until I find the strength to talk to a councelor.

my story..

this is really scattered and explicit.. probably quite triggering.. my story is not nearly as bad as some of those that i have read, but i needed to share it.. the only other person i have told in a serious way is my girlfriend, and she doesnt like to hear any details because it weirds her out.. anyone else i have told it was in a "what weird things did you do as a kid" way.. and i never told the whole story.. only that we kissed.. and never that they did it first, and told me that i had to.

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This past year has been the most difficult I have ever gone through on many levels, my rape included. I've healed a lot. I'm not 100%, but I'm better than I thought I would be. And just when I've gotten to the point where I am ready to move forward, to try relationships, I hit a setback. Most recently I have decided to try online dating because I felt it would be easier to transition into dating if there were conversations online and on the phone first instead of just trying to go out and meet people in bars, clubs, etc. That's when I found it.

He has a profile on Match. And the thing is, to read the profile he is almost normal. He seems like just about every other ad I've read and even a few I've replied to. The guy who raped me is on Match, has a personals ad that somehow is mildly normal, and he goes on as if all is fine. What is wrong with this picture? I am speechless. Totally and utterly speechless. How does this happen? Oh, no, wait, I know how this happens. I don't press charges, that is how this happens. I say nothing to no one, that is how this happens. He goes on because I let him. I want to throw up.
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