January 26th, 2006

Just some thoughts

I think I'd be a lot more optimistic about my future if I knew there was someone to share it with...whether that be a boyfriend a friend or even a companion, someone I could go somewhere with...anywhere. Currently, I have a boyfriend, but ironicly, now that the major issues (PTSD and some Borderline stuff) that have tainted our relationship for so long have resolved themselves he's not so sure he wants to stick around...just in case they really haven't resolved themselves. All he has is my word and I think that isn't enough for him. The distance he's keeping me at is killing me and I'm terrified that if he leaves I will not be able to manage without him. He's been everything to me good and bad for the last 2 years. My savior, my confidant...I can't just replace him, but he seems like he'd do just fine without me...in fact, he even told me this. He says he still loves me, but how can you love someone and at the same time not care if you ever see them again??? Sometimes I think he's just staying out of guilt, which I'm more than willing to accept. The last time we "broke up" (this happens often) I became hysterical.

Sometimes I don't see the benefit of working on all of my problems. When they are all over and done with I'll still be alone, just like I am right now...with no one to share my progress and new found self with.

It's sad that the most pleasant mood I am in is when I'm at work interacting with other people. After 5pm I go home to my empty apartment with my cat left with nothing but my thoughts of suicide to accompany me and my many available pills to do the deed with.

I feel like this is the end. The peak of my life really was when I was 19, not long before I was raped. I still can't comprehend that this is my reality only at the age of 24.

I'm so paniced at how to pull everything together. I worry that I'm not strong enough to do so.

Thanks for listening.

I think it's time

I've been a member of this community for a year, well, it may be only eight months, but I'm not certain now. And in all that time I've never actually posted my story. I've actually never told anyone my story. I can say it happend, I can even say a little. But I'm filled with such rage about it that I want to stab someones chest until they're sputtering blood. Just so you understand how angry I get.

I've told my husband a few things. First things first, if I'm ever contemplating a lasting relationship with someone, which has only been two people, I tell them I was abused as a child, just so they know. But I've never really told anyone more than that, that was, until about a month ago. I told my husband what I didn't like and reasons behind it, crying my eyes out the entire time. I think he has much more respect for me now, now that he knows some of the details behind it.

I'm also doing this so that maybe I can talk to my soon to be social worker about it. For years all my therapists have said I need to talk about it, but I can't. I don't even remember things. But the last year has gotten really bad for intrusive flashbacks, and I think I'm finally ready to tackle the problem. I want the horrors to stop. Maybe getting it out to a group of people who I don't have to see react to my statements will help.

So it's time for that life-saving LJ cut for the sad story of a child that's been silent for so many years. This is going to be long, so I warn you ahead of time.

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Wow. That was unbelievebly difficult and took forever to write. I didn't proof read it either, so I hope there's not too many mistakes. Plus, if I left something out then that only gives me more reason to contribute later. I hope no one got discouraged. I've never told anyone any of that. I actually feel light now, like I could float away. It's amazing, you hear of people saying how much better they feel to talk about it, but you can't imagine how it feels until you do the same thing. Thanks for those of you who stuck through it and read everything. I can imagine how difficult it can be.

I suppose that this actually might help. Now that everything's out there, I no longer have anything to hide it should be easier to talk about it. Thank you everyone for being here and supporting me through the good and the bad. I know it seems there is more bad than good in our lives, but it's all on a matter of perspective.

I love you and hope the best for all of you. Thank you again.