October 10th, 2005

they care more about animals than people

Yesterday I found some old journals.

One of the questions I wrote, after the rape, was why my ex cared more about animals than people.

His dog died- a sweet, mild retriever. He cried when he told me. A few months later, he raped me. He didn't cry then, though. I think that he enjoyed it. At least, until he got arrested.

What kind of a sick bastard would cry when his dog passed away, but laugh when he raped someone?

I still haven't come up with an answer to that... Maybe it's a rhetorical question...

Hmm...

I think I'm disassociating again... I woke up with scratch marks on my sides and stomach. They hadn't bled, which is good considering I used to be much worse. But it is still bad, nonetheless. I need to tell my therapist about this, but I only see her every other week because my parents' income is very low right now. I'm not sure if I'm seeing her this week...

My anxiety has been having its ups and downs. One minute I'm content as can be, the next I'm shaking and putting the covers over my head. I don't like the uncertainty of it all... it's all too familiar and I would prefer not to end up back in the hospital.

I was wondering, what kind of medications has anyone taken that stabilized some anxiety symptoms? I've taken klonopin for my anxiety. I've taken Wellbutrin, Prozac, and Lexapro for depression. I'm probably going back on meds and would like to know of any experiences you have had with certain meds. I know when I was on several at a time I lost my appetite and dropped to 76 pounds. (I'm 5' tall.) I don't want to go back to that.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I hope everyone is well. :)