October 3rd, 2005

skull small

(no subject)

well, so
im back. from cape cod.
and wow,
its wasn't as scary as i thought it would be!

a week ago i started to have these weird feelings...well, feelings that i couldn't be around men for a while... like no men at all. didn't really feel comfortable by myself... only with like Amy, Mike and Shawn because i didn't feel threatened by them.

but i read some chapters in my psychology text and my human sexuallity text. both were about repressed memories and trauma/sexual abuse effects. it described how a person can have repressed memories and have a really hard time trying to remember anything. i already know for sure this was my rape. but it also described False Memories, memories which didn't really happen but a therapist or other person, or the person themself, comes to believe that something happend that didn't really happen.

then i read an article in a newpaper or magazine somewhere that described these people who basically, started an organization to protect or against people who were accused of "false" rape. like adults, parents accused of incest, etc.

i think reading about this and a recent visit from an ex of mine, started the wheels in my head... turning...
the approaching weekend with my dad for the first day of scallop season freaked me out!!!
i mean seriously, i was panicking again.

but i REALLY felt bad, or stupid, or not loving, or betrayful for QUESTIONING my past history with.......my father.

i thought "why am i questioning if i was molested by my father? what if something DID happen? would i remember?"

Thinking these things about my dad made me feel terribly confused and scared. My father is a man who just can't wait for his daughter to FINALLY come to Cape Cod where he grew up and participate in an activity that he has done every year since he was young, always gives me a warm hug when he sees me, always wants to show me the flower in the garden he planted and tell me what kind of spice it is :) lol or show me a garden spider and explain how its web works to catch flies. he wants me to plant seeds and bulbs with him... or go for a walk with him and the dog. he wants to show me things on the computer and still thinks of me as his little girl... and on and on and on...

my mind kept filling with all of these reasons WHY my dad "couldn't have" molested me. my experience with him, told me this was a WRONG, BAD, "EVIL OF ME" feeling to have about my own father. I felt guilty.

so i told shawn, then Amy, then my mom finally. I thought she would be ashamed. i thought they would all think that i was "crying wolf" so to speak, like, "oh here nicole goes again! won't she ever just let it go?!"...

but that's not what shawn, amy, or my mom said.
shawn told me he completely understands why i would feel that way, and im not strange or "evil" to think like that.
Amy told me "your just working through a lot of stuff right now, hun. It's normal to start thinking or feeling lots of different stuff, your remembering [in therapy] some pretty hard stuff to deal with. Its only a feeling you can't help the way that you feel."

and when i told my mom, that honestly i felt uncomfortable around any male right now, she said first what i was so scared of her asking me "you don't think dad ever REally did anything to you, do you nicole? i don't think he has a bone in his body that would want to try to hurt you."
i responded "no this is just how i feel"
and my mom said to me... " i completely understand why you would feel that way. i understand that its not daddy its just the way you are feeling right now."

and i agreed!
in fact i realized that i was blown away by the understanding.

I thought i would be ostracized for questioning if my father was incestuous. i still live with him!

but i think that with some time spent talking to my therapist about this feeling i should be able to work through it before next weekend... hopefully. so that my mom doesn't have to go all the way to the cape with me again so i won't feel weird!

take care all stay safe! :)

New user name

Hello everyone.

This is who used to be givemysoulback.

I'm sorry for changing my user name so quickly, it's a long story on why. I don't feel the need to explain I think.

I just wanted to let everyone know my new name, and I hope to be posting here more in the near future.

I hope all is well..

Take care.

(no subject)

I was browsing through old blogs I've had in the past, and came across a story that I found very amazing. I'm not sure who wrote it, and I'm not sure if it was a true story. But either way, it was stunning. I'm sorry for making two posts in one day, I'm not sure if it's allowed. But I just had to share it with everyone. Someone may have already posted it in the past, if so... feel free to delete it.

Put behind lj-cut for length and possible triggers:

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(no subject)

Conversation between my attacker and me in the internet::

Brother: can you like not have attitude, I haven't been using it

Me: i don't have an attitude

Brother: you had one with that message

Brother: you don't say please, auto attitude

Me: well you know WHY i have an atittude with you, don't you?

Brother: stop yelling, I was just telling you that I wasn't on the lousy itunes and haven't been

Me: i am not yelling, i am asking you why i have an attitude with you

Brother: look, I'm not on itunes so just go charge your ipod

Me: advoiding the question

Brother: you like trying to annoy me don't you?

Me: still, well i am just gonna let you know that a lot of my friends know and our sister does too

Me: and sooner or later i am gonna tell mom when i am ready

Brother: how about just stabbing me with a knife if you hate me so much?

Me: uummm i think that people should know that you hurt me

Brother: I think that you should know you hate me and admit it and know that no matter how much hate you have for me (even though God doesn't want anyone to hate anyone and wants them to be able to forgive others)

Me: why did you hurt me?

Brother: I know it wasn't me, not me not who I am, could be a demon for all I know but it wasn't me, it wasn't who I am that did it

Me: but that still doesn't make it right

Brother: I never said it did, do I wish I never had a demon of any kind? every day, but they get into some people and you gotta drive them out, that's what has happened through God

Me: but still i am hurt and not a really happy person about it and that does NOT explain what you did to me

Me: i mean it could

Me: but how do i know?

Brother: I explained it as I know it

Brother: when someone has a demon, that demon can take control of that person and the person has no control

Me: BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT IS TRUE? i grew up not trusting anyone so i don;t trust a lot of what people say

Brother: if you don't trust me talk to God, He knows the truth better than I do myself

Me: well i just wanted my feelings out that i had for a long time....so yeha

Me: yeah

Brother: yeah and I'm just trying to let you know the truth whether you believe me or not

Me: welli just want to know how i can believe you after it happened since i was 7 till i was 11 or 12??

Me: 5 6 or 7 years old

Brother: that's a bunch of crap and you know it

Me: well then, how long did it last?

Brother: I was mean to you from when you were about 5-6/7 at the absolute latest

Me: i remember percisly playing a game cube game when "one thing" happened?

Me: no ?*

Brother: no

Me: yea

Me: don't deny it

Brother: let's see 1999 would be when then

Brother: you were 8

Me: when did the game cube come out?

Brother: 1999

Brother: but it had stopped for a while then while I was battling the demon

Me: then i remember some other things afterward...and i was too scared to think of things happening to me

Brother: I was mean when you were 5-6 and then I stopped being mean for a while and then when GC came out in '99 I was mean once or twice more when I finally got my demon out

Me: why did you tell me to whack you over the head with a plate and to hurt you?

Brother: I was desperate to get the demon out

Me: ok, yeah, night

-- And I found out that a GameCube came out in 2001 - 2002

-- And, how can one harbor demons when one has accepted Christ?

-- And it lasted from 5 or 6 till a year after my brother received a GameCube...which was during Christmas....and lets see....it came out November 18th, 2001...sooo yeah from 5 or 6 years old till I was 11 just turing 12...