April 14th, 2005

(no subject)

hi my name is laura and i have been apart of this community for some time now and have never been able to bring myself to post. even still i do not feel comfortable yet to share my story, i am not sure if i ever will be able to. but i just wanted to say that reading all of your posts has provided me with a great deal of hope and comfort. and for that i am very thankful to all of you. coming to this community (and few others like this) and reading about all of your progress or unfortunate setbacks often helps calm me. it makes me realize that i am far from alone in this and that my own feelings and issues are shared by many. so i just wanted to say i follow all of your stories and think of all of you on a daily basis and hope that you are all doing well and thank you so much for just simply posting and being here. i am very grateful to all of you.

i HaD a DrEaM


hey guys i had a bad dream and i just need to get it out. it may be triggery so stay safe.

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i feel guilty that i am doing what i am doing now. (trying to remember the things that happend) i am so edgy right now, i am on edge and the smallest things are making me mad or sad or even happy. it is soo hard. my family doesnt get it. i think that i want therapy, i just dont know how to ask for it. i need to get this out, i need help. i am scared to ask becuase britt told me about the book The Courage to Heal and i asked for it and that is wes made the comment about that tiggered me and made me cry. i am almost too embarassed to ask. i dont know... i need help...

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The Appointment...

My appointment was this morning. This is from my live journal. It's about everyhthing that happened this morning. I want to thank you guys so much for all of your help. You're support and relating to how I was feeling really did help so much. I can't imagine how bad it would've been if it weren't for you guys. :)

Well, I had my appointment this morning. I had only gotten three hours of sleep and I was so nervous on the way there I got some cramps that were so bad they almost felt menstrual. :P Anywho...I got there and the lady came in, she seemed really nice. Then she asked me what I was here for (I hate in when they do that, it's on the paper...why can't they just start the convo w/ that). So I went to talk to her and I almost started balling. So my mom had to talk for me. I knew that was going to happen. :/ Then when I calmed down some she started asking me questions. She said she wouldn't even think about putting me on birth control for hormones because I'm depressed, and birth control causes depression. So that was ruled out. Then she asked what I was usual depressed about...and I told her it was pretty much centered around my sexual assault four years ago. I could tell she felt bad for me and wanted to help. So, she asked if I had ever been to couseling and I told her no. She said that I really should and that she would get me a referal for the behavior health clinic. So she got that right away...and I have an appointment there next month on the sixth at 9 o' clock. I'm nervous about that too, but I'm not going to think about it until I have to. :) It's about a month away.

So I got home and filled out all this paper work they gave me. I had to fill out this questioner thingy, and at the end I have to tally up my score. Each answer I picked has a number. I scored highest under the "ID" category...whatever that one stands for. Then there was a bunch of other stuff to fill out too.

When I got home I was so stressed out. I just realized...I think this whole thing scared/ scares me so much because it's conferming, I'm admitting, I have I problem. I knew I did, but I didn't want to confirm it...but at the same time I wanted to fix it. Confusing...but do you know what I mean?

Is was is a terrible mood when I got home. I was stressed out and frustrated, that caused me to get super grouchy...by stomach ache was still there. Then I got a head ache because I was so tired. So I took a nap. I slept for about four hours. I'm still tired though...and I feel very drained. I feel like I took a step, but I'm still extremely down. I guess it's normal. But I'm moving in the right direction I think. It's just going to be hard for a while.

So...that's how my day's gone so far. Oh, btw, they didn't have to do the pap test because they weren't putting me on birth control. The only reason they would've done it is if they were going to put me on that. Would've been nice if someone had told me that before, I wouldn't have been quite so worried about it. :/

So yeah. Not as panicked any more, but still kinda down, drained, and tired. Later I'm going to go to tae kwon do. Maybe the workout and hanging out will help some. We'll see.

Talk to you peoples later!

Relative Chaos

any other survivors who can relate to feeling like dysfunction has been pretty smoothly incorporated into their lives and what other people would call a "Really Fucked Up Time" to you is actually "Pretty Tame And Normal"?

am i so removed from what the normative defintion of stable, healthy and functioning is that i can't even see how "Fucked Up" i am?

i don't feel that fucked up right now. i mean i did a couple of weeks ago when i was still interacting with my ex...i was feeling hurt b/c i felt lied to and manipulated so i flipped out AND my pmdd was full-blown whack. i pretty much had a break-down in which i went to the infirmary and spent the entire night crying i felt so wounded inside, like when my mother died.

but right now i feel like i have a lot of clarity and when i look back to the "Messed Up Relationship" i don't see it as being that bad...i mean it was certainly "Fucked Up", i cannot deny that by any stretch of the imagination...but the degree of craziness comparably speaking was pretty low-key in consideration of what i am/have been used to.

and do you feel like having a relationship with a "Normal" will ever be workable given the degree of dysfunction Survivors are used to and have internalized? can anyone who has never been through what we've been through ever truly relate?

(no subject)

My mom is refusing to refill the medicine I take for my PTSD. What am I going to do?? She thinks that it's all just in my head, and I can't make her see that it's not something that I choose to have!