February 17th, 2005

Kieran

i feel alone.....

i am drowning in silence...i feel alone. i just wanted the comfort of friends right now. i don't know how one can be married and still feel so all alone...but i do. i need a hug *tears* i just wanted support...sorry to be such a downer, but you're all i have to turn to. you can read my journal if ya wanna know details...am too depressed to retype... but i thought i'd try to reach out for help instead of harbouring it inside like i usually do.... sorry, but thanks for being there for me so far

Another bad night...

My past is bothering me again. :( I've been having such a hard time going to sleep these past few weeks. I stay up until 2:00, 3:00AM...then I don't end up getting up until 10, 11:00 the next morning. Then my whole entire day is off. I haven't been doing school lately (I'm homeschooled). I feel kinda unmotivated. This is my last year...I just want it to be over with.

I feel all my memories trying to come up, and I want to write them all down and get them out. But I'm scared of bringing them up. I don't want to get more upset. I don't want to deal with it, although I know I need to. I already feel lonely and upset tonight...I'm just having one of those crappy nights.

I think I'm just whining now...but why do I have to deal with this? I feel awful for complaining about it...because I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. But does anyone ever think, why me? Why did that perverted bas***d(s) have to do this to me? It just hurts so much. Sometimes I don't even know why it hurts, it just does.

I just wish it could be over.

I know if I could cry it would help but I can't cry! I feel the tears coming they well up in my eyes for a little why so I can't really see what I'm typing (like a second ago) then it just goes away. It's like when I finally let myself get upset, or get angry, my body shuts it off so I don't have to hurt and I don't cry. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm going to try to get a hold of myself now. I'm trying to be strong...but I still let things get to me then I come crashing to the ground. Things get so confusing sometimes. I think I'll be okay, then all of a sudden it hits me... hey, I'm still really hurting and angry. Then everything comes crashing down (like now), then I have to start all over.

Am I just being weak and whiny? Or does anyone else feel this way? Please be honest...
  • Current Mood
    sad lonely and confused
  • Tags
Brittany the Chipette!

supporters

My boyfriend and key supporter (Preston) has been looking for other supporters to contact. As I commented before in someone else's post, he was coming here until I asked him to stop. I didn't know if it was his place, but he wants to help me and be involved and understand. I had a feeling that some of you, quite possibly all of us, have someone like that in our lives. I'm thinking...maybe we could get a community together for supporters? There was one, but it's dead and the founders are no longer interested really. Maybe we let the supporters post here with us? I don't know what all to do, but I think it might help everyone if they were involved. Maybe not here, because I know I post things I only want you guys to see, but if we all think, maybe we can come up with something? Just an e-mail list for them even? Just post back please with your thoughts! Thanks! -Brittany