January 28th, 2005

(no subject)

I cant cry anymore because the tears just wont come and im ashamed. Ashamed of myself? Ashamed of what happened? I dont even know anymore....I want to curl up in a small dark place and sing to myself softly until I can move on. I NEED TO CRY!! i need to goddamn cry...to accept this. To tell someone who will understand, not just think that i am making things up or exaggerating. I hate that bastard, that goddamn disgusting bastard for what he did. I feel sick just looking at him. That ridiculous, disgusting half-smile when he catches my eye and how he says my name with just a hint of a derisive laugh in his tone. The way that whenever an opinion is voiced he always says "Yes and what do you think ros?" with this perfect fake little mask of interest and genuine concern for MY WELL-BEING!! Ha! And everyone falls for it...everyone always falls for it. WHY ME?! WHY THE FUCK ME?!?! What is it about me? Goddamn target sign in the middle of my forehead....I cant believe i let him do this...no wait yes i cant because WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TO CHANGE ANY OF IT?!?!! I cant change how he is or what he did to me so why bother even trying to remember. Why bother. I am so FUCKING UPSET I really want to cry but I really dont think im even capable of that luxury anymore. I dont deserve that luxury. Im worthless. worth absolutely nothing. i dont even want to think about the time when im going to be in a relationship where im forced to tell the person. how will they despise me?! look at me like a speciman..."ooh look ive never seen one of THESE before!!" I hate mankind. I HATE FUCKING PEOPLE!! I would scream and scream and scream if it werent for the fact that i just want to be perfect so that i wont be classified as human anymore so i have to be cool and calm and cant rip my vocal cords and lose "that beautiful voice, ros...."

so sorry. venting....

Ros

help...

I was sexually assaulted for six months when I was 13, about 4 1/2 years ago. I'm just now trying to recover from it. I use to always push it away, but it would always come back...worse and worse each time. Now I'm trying not to push it away any more. I trying to remember stuff...and I am. But I'm kinda at the point where I'm scared I don't know why, I want to cry and I can't any more. I'll be talking to my friend...I feel the tears coming...but they won't come out. I'm just so sick of the constant numbing pain. Yeah, I can ignore it sometimes...but it's always there. I don't know what to do. I try to cry, I talk about it alot (with people I trust)...I don't know what to do. It's like okay all this pain is up...oh yeah, I remember all this now...what it felt like, how he did it, how I felt when he did it...I've got my flash backs every now-and-then...now what do I do with it all? I feel like it's just sitting there trying to hurt me and tear out my life. I little dramatic I know...but do you understand what I mean? It's just frustrating. I'm able to talk with guys and get to know them. But I have trouble letting them get too close, some guys there's an exception...like for my ex, my two friends (bill & Eric), and my Master instructor at tae kwon do. I want to be able to trust again and not be overly suspicious of every guy. Granted, I don't want to be a push over...but I don't want to be in my little bubble either. I'm just so frustrated...I want to stop hurting. I brought all this pain up and I don't know what to do with it. I'm lonely, I feel alone, worthless, I get axious sometimes, I just want to get better. I don't expect to fully recover...I just want to do better. Does anyone know what I mean? I just really need someone to talk to that completely understand and has gone/ going through what I'm going through and that can help me. Reply to this or you can e-mail me...

Thanks to anyone who tries to help...