January 24th, 2005

chakras

Frustrated ramble

I haven't posted since my intro. I'm just feeling extremely lonely right now. Most of my friends are coupled, which mean I'm the odd one out at most get togethers, or I'm just not invitied. I make great efforts to have fun, and I invite my friends and their bfs, but things never pan out. I'm not even wanting a relationship with anyone, I've arrived that the conclusion that I'm asexual, meaning I really don't experience sexual attraction to anyone. I just want close friends, friends who are there, friends with whom I could share some of my experiences. For all my plans and schemes, or otherwise sorry attempts at coordinating schedules, nothing comes of it. It's a though, I'm cursed, genuinely cursed to do things by myself. I'm fiercely independent and have gone solo to many an event, friends would be nice for a change.

It's just gotten to the point where I ask myself, "What's wrong with me, don't they like me?". I'm not ready for any sort of romantic relationship, but I figure I'm 30 and I really don't have any secure friendships, not that last. For instance, I'll have a good gf, girl meets boy, they fall for each other, I see friend less and less or life happens and carries them to the other coast, and foreign countries. I'm grateful for my friends as they've touched my life, and the distance doesn't alter our feeling for eachother. At the risk of beign whiny, why can't I have a friend right here!? I'm tired of trying to maintain things when they always seem to leave. I have a hard enough time letting people get close to me. It's hurts so much when they go away. One such friend, to whom I felt a strong connection, is moving out of the country in 3 weeks. I'm happy for her, I'm happy for my other friends who have found love, and joy but at the same time I'm tired of being happy for other people and I want to be happy for myself. It's bee so long, that I don't know what it feels like. I watch everyone live rich full lives, but mine is in some sort of holding pattern. I'm just not going anywhere.

Thanks for the space to share.
-S

(no subject)

I havent posted in a while...but everything is spiralling downhill so fast that I need someplace to let go. Last night I saw the man who sexually molested and may have raped me. His wife was there so he couldnt do anything, but just from the way that he looked at me and the tone in which he spoke I knew that he was still thinking that way. He would lightly touch my shoulder or the small of my back when his wife was occupied with her laptop and brush our knees together when he sat close to me on the floor. Every time he moved or inhaled the sound seemed deafening in my ears. I caught a whiff of his putrid breath as his face moved close to mine and became dizzy, gagging. I almost had a flashback--I wish to God that I had. Maybe then I would know whether it was he or my teacher who raped me, or if i was even raped at all. But I feel so unclean in every meaning of the word just thinking about what he used to do--what he may do still in the future.

I considered slitting my wrists last night and this morning I spent a class period on the roof. I stood on the railing and imagined falling, only to tumble backward to safety, trembling. I cant cause my friends any more pain. My best friend is so burdened by this....She told me to tell her, so i did. I just didnt realize how overwhelming what she thought would be a problem as insignificant as a crush or a failed grade would be to her. I am also manic depressive and have psychotic tendancies, so last night i started freaking out over just one comment of hers that was probably meant casually. Im scared that she thinks that i am making all of this up. she thinks that I am saying that I was abused for attention. As though I dont value her friendship more than that!! i could never tell my parents about the sexual molestation because I already know that they would never believe me...they know the person who did it very well. He is a close family friend.

they would not believe my word over his. does that mean that i should just let him keep doing this?!

I am terrified of being in a romantic relationship, but at the same time i long to be in one. I cant keep turning down people i love over and over again--not when I want to be with them so much. I dont like to lie. I cant even be in a friendship anymore--my last friend was so horribly emotionally and verbally abusive of me that I am extremely paranoid and untrustworthy of all my friends. I think that is the cause of most of my problems with my best friend. I cant accept that she MAY actually be loyal to me. My experiences with friendship have all been so---bad. Even before my abusive friend I was abandoned by all of my friends in sixth grade and daily beaten by people I didnt even know. One girl cut off my ponytail when she was sitting behind me in class. Since then I have never let my hair has never grown past my shoulders. I had death threats both in sixth grade and last year from that abusive friend.

What am i? what is it about me that makes me a target for these people? What did I do wrong? do i dress too provacatively? is that why adults think they can molest and rape me? is that why the twelve guys at my school all tried to get me in bed on a bet?!?!

I hate myself so much. i cant look in the mirror anymore. i am so disgusting and filthy.... what did i do wrong? is it my fault?

i am so scared about the regression to sixth grade that my shrink is doing. i dont want to remember, but at the same time i HAVE to know who the rapist was, and if there even was one. but all of my symptoms and the evidence says that yes, i WAS raped--im scared of guys, of relationships, of my body, of others' bodies, i cant put tampons in without going into hysterics, i get nauseous and dizzy thinking about these things....

I wonder if it WAS the family friend who has already molested me? but it could be the teacher--he WAS arrested for sex crimes, after all....If it was the teacher, i wonder who the other person he raped was? what if it was me, and what if my parents DO know but they just dont want to tell me?

I cant say this anywhere else, because I am afraid to talk to my best friend anymore because i dont want to hurt her and im scared that she might not believe me.

Ros