January 21st, 2005

sharing my story

Hey... sorry for being so disjointed in keeping up with this community. Things are ridiculously busy at school right now... which of course, is how i keep myself focused on everything but me, by staying insanely busy. But yeah...

I'm presenting at a panel tonight about my story. I've done this once before, but still... it gets me weirded out every time. First of all... I know what all happened and I can be the advocate for myself, except it's like... it all happened to someone else. Not me. But the person I was back then. And then... there's this part of me that is absolutely TERRIFIED every time I tell my story. I never told my boyfriend I left because he was abusive. I hardly told anyone the extent of what went on. My brain shuts down just thinking about it. I don't think he even knows that all the shit he did was abuse. And... there's the lingering... he'll kill me if he knows I've told our secrets, his secrets. He told me he would. He doesn't know, does he? i share the story because I refuse to be silenced... I'm too stubborn... but there's still fear. Nagging fear. That one of these days all my gung-ho advocacy is going to wind up killing me... and that day being the day he realizes what all I've said. It's the truth... always just the truth... but the truth kills. And I don't want to be another statistic!

Thanks for listening.