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Hey, I'm back! I spent... uh, well, actually, I'm just going to cut… 
20th-Oct-2009 05:23 pm
Lesbian kisses
Hey, I'm back! I spent... uh, well, actually, I'm just going to cut this whole entry for triggers OF: hospitalization, SI/suicidality [not graphic], child abuse, contact from parents, triggering songs, healing, therapy, The Bleed, endo, PCOS, etc. Also talks about religion, specifically Christianity. please do let me know if I missed one, it's... not a good day for me physically.


Sorry for the hugeness of the cut text... great song by Linkin Park called "New Divide."

Anyway. I spent a week in Overlake Psych Ward, and it helped so amazingly much. Mostly because I got put on Seroquel instead of Haldol, and it's been... like I've come out from being underwater. It's helped with the flashbacks as well with controlling my mood swings. I love it. I ... I'm not afraid to go to sleep any more.

Lately I've been listening to a LOT of Linkin Park, having had "In The End" play on the radio and loving it. It turns out that most of the songs I've listened to I've related to, deeply, and have in some way fostered healing. Take, for example, the lyrics to "In The End":

It starts with One thing
I don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme
to explain in due time
all i know
Time is a valuable thing
watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away
so unreal
Didn't look out below
watch the time go right out the window trying to hold on, didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though i tried, it all fell apart
what it meant to me, will eventually be a memory of a time when I

tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

One thing i don't know why
It Doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme
to remind myself how
i tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
acting like i was part of your property
remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised that it got so far

Things aren't the way they were before
you wouldn't even recognize me anymore
not that you knew me back then
but it all comes back to me
in the end
I kept everything inside and even thought i tried
it all fell apart
what it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of a time when I

tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
there's only one thing you should know (X2)

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter


It's like... it's everything I feel about my relationship, or lack thereof, with my parents. I sat there for what seemed like hours writing about how I feel about the song, and posted it to FaceBook. Here's what I wrote:

"I tried so hard, so hard to be perfect. In the end, though... I realized that it was an imperfect hope, and that my situation was abusive. I ran. I'm still running, to be honest. I tried so hard, and got so far... but in the end, does it really, honestly matter?

Mom and Dad. I tried so hard. I put my trust in you. You betrayed that trust, time and time again, to the point where I have no trust in you any more, and I no longer get myself into situations where I need to.

You treated me like I was your property, and had no rights. A female, have rights? No, of course not! What is this Constitution you speak of? "Equal rights..."

You had your choice, you had your time. But no longer.

I had to fall so far, lose it all... come full circle with nothing in my pockets and no food on the table, struggling to hold up roof up over my head and heat it during the winter, robbing peter to pay paul's doctor bills.

I tried so hard, and got so far... but now, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, what you say, what you do. I am protected, I am safe.

You are revealed for who you are, a child-abusing couple with anger problems. I am safe now, you can't touch me, it doesn't even matter."

I just... I don't even know what to say any more. I had a great session with my clinician, Alex, today. This is only the second time I've seen him, so ... it was really great to just chat and bond before really diving into the heavy stuff. It's great, because the first clinician Compass assigned me just sucked so hard.

I haven't felt suicidal since I left Overlake on the 9th. My problem with them is that they didn't treat my PAIN. Not emotional pain, physical pain. I have what is probably endometriosis, and they didn't really do anything until the day I left, when they did an ultrasound. It came back normal, and they just sent me off. I hadn't been given adequate pain control, at all, during my stay, at any point. Even when I asked my doctor EVERY GODDAMN DAY for something stronger than vicodin, because it was NOT WORKING.

Urgh.

so from that we go to my other post on FaceBook, which I'll just copypasta here.

I watch how the moon sits in the sky in the dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
and the sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming
The moon's gonna owe it one
It makes me think of how you act for me you do
favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start askin' me about
Things that you want back from me
(Chorus)
I'm sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place
to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
(Chorus)
I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

Maybe some day I'll be just like you
And
Step on people like you do
And run away all the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
Used to be calm, used to be strong,
Used to be generous, but you should have known
That you'd wear out your welcome and now you see
How quiet it is all alone

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest!

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
(repeat 7x)
You try to take the best of me
Go away
You try to take the best of me
Go away
You try to take the best of me
Go away
You try to take the best of me
{screaming}
Go away, YOU!
try to take the best of me!
Go away, YOU!
try to take the best of me!
Go away, YOU!
try to take the best of me!
Go away, YOU!
try to take the best of me!
GO AWAY!-
(Chorus)
I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

SHUT!
UP!
Why?!!-
(2x)
I am so sick [shut!] of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
[Up!] Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I am so sick [why?!!-] of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
[Stay]! Find another place [away!] to feed your greed
[from me!] While I find a place, to, rest

Linkin Park ~ A Place for My Head

People wonder why I so dislike most Christians, and, in point of fact, most [if not all] of Christianity. This song... is pretty much how I feel. You do something good ["get saved"] and immediately you're hounded by your church to "give back" by "serving."

They go on and on about how it's the right thing to do, and then avoid/shun you when you have legitimate problems you need help with. They drive people into running away by their cult-like behaviors, they blow off physical problems by saying that "if you truly believed, God would take it away from you!" unless you had something fatal like Multiple Sclerosis. And even then, the most they cared about you was to ensure you could come to church one more time so you could tithe.

Or in my case, I'm rewarded by abuse. From the people I trusted the most. Asking me to do literally more than I can. Being forced to do outdoor manual labor, in October, with pneumonia. Beaten until I screamed for release, hoping to avoid my tailbone snapping or being crushed.

Being responsible for the proper upbringing of my brothers, starting from the age of about eight, until I moved out at twenty-two. Not being given the ability to properly discipline, and beaten when things went wrong. Being made to teach them [homeschooled family, remember], and not being given enough time for my own schoolwork. Oh, and then being punished when it wasn't done.

Having to cook, clean, do laundry, and keep "Proper Track" of my brothers... all day, every day. Plus schoolwork. Never getting paid until I started insisting on it, and then only getting, at most, $2/hr. The excuse? "Oh, most babysitters make that!" Right. When I in fact qualified for "live-in nanny" status.

When I was eighteen, I graduated high school and actually tried to find a job and go to college. This was, firstly, highly discouraged by my parents. "Who will cook? Who will watch the boys?!" I don't know, my next-in-line brother? "Oh, NO! He's too BUSY with schoolwork!" Never mind that his graduation requirements were at most half of mine. Because he was a guy, he got to slack off and read most, if not all of the day, and not get in trouble because of it.

I found a job in August, and started working. My parents... expected me to still cook and clean for them, on top of full-time college and part time work. I struggled to fit their expectations of me, not knowing they were highly skewed. Not "obeying" properly resulted in having my internet cut off, even though I had research papers and the like due at least once a week.

They also expected, and required, me to go grocery shopping for them. Okay, I can kind of understand that. The part I still don't understand, though, is that they made me do it with MY OWN MONEY and then refused to pay me back, and I've never gotten reimbursed for the... easily over two thousand dollars I drained into that hellhole.

This went on until I injured my hip [somehow] over a year and a half later. I still have no idea how it happened, but that's not the point. My parents required me to still do their work for them, forcing me to go up and down stairs multiple times a day, when I was on crutches and freshly out of the hospital. Tears streaming down my face, I begged my mother to let me rest, to heal, but no. I was the girl, I had to do the chores. All of them. Including the dishes.

I spent nine months total on some form of crutches, still in school and still having to deal with all the drama. My church didn't support me one bit, other than "praying for me." Right, because mumbling in your head to some guy-in-the-sky is totally going to make my parents let me rest, right?

Anyway, after I got off the crutches, things got even worse. I had no job, ergo no spending money, no excuse to get out of the house at least once or twice a week. No chance to go see movies with friends [which was highly discouraged anyway, because I needed to "spend time with the ~family~!"

In October of that year, I got a job again, working retail [again]. It was a job, part-time again, because I was still in school full-time. And yet, the demands on me increased somehow. I'm still not sure how that was possible.

That semester I was taking sixteen credits, including a German class [not one of my brightest moves, but whatever]. My parents actually thought that I'd be able to do sixteen credits, work, take care of their other children, do my [considerable] homework, plus cook and clean. It didn't work so well.

Next semester, I wound up working full-time at a call center [rather discouraged by my parental units] and taking one class to finish out my graduation requirements. That semester was one of the worst I can remember. My mother actually, no kidding, yelled at me over the phone in the break room at work because I had dared to set my schedule without asking them if it was all right. Do keep in mind I was twenty-one at that point - a fully recognized adult by the United States of America.

Then, at my final voice performance, my brother has the audacity to say that "you could have, you know, been LOUDER during most of the song!" ....... It's called "dynamics." The goal is emphasis. If I was being congratulated by my teacher, classmates, and RANDOM MUSIC FACULTY that I did an amazing job... yeah. I don't even know.

Graduation was the next week. My mother decided not to show up. Because of the fact that the "crowds would be just TOO MUCH for her to bear!" Never mind the fact that I spend blood, sweat, and tears getting that degree, even if it was just an A.A. Oh, right, first of all, it was something they refused to support me in, because I didn't take what they wanted me to take - computers or medical.

Keep in mind that while I'm a geek, I don't understand most programming languages. Oh, and I've fainted when having blood drawn. Right, I don't think those two choices are going to work for me, Mom.

Anyway, so my mom didn't come to graduation. I was understandably upset, especially when she went to a convention later that same month. In the same building I graduated in. Wow, way to set priorities, oh mother of mine.

Skip to twenty-two. I've had enough and get my own apartment, on my own, no co-signing from the parentals. My parents insist that I come over every Sunday or so to "socialize" or whatever, despite me working night shift Tues-Sun. Even when I'm dead-tired, my mother also tries to push me to attend this "great new church" they've found. I refuse, as I can't be arsed to get out of bed on a workday morning like that, when I have to work that same night.

Well, anyway. *sighs* I don't tell my family that I'm sexually assaulted, simply because I feel that they wouldn't support me. I stop going over there. Until I'm in dire straights money-wise because my job doesn't pay near enough for the work I do. I request help with rent so I'm not evicted. My father agrees.

I go over to their house, tell my mom what was up ... and am flabbergasted when she tries to refuse to write the check. I tell her I'm facing eviction. She doesn't care. At all. I finally convince her to write the damn thing because my father had pretty much promised me the money. She's mad. Really, really mad.

Whatever. Not getting evicted was my priority.

And you know? I think this is long enough as it is... I'll continue it later at some point. I'm just too exhausted, mentally, to continue."



I seriously just don't know where to go from here. *sighs* I have surgery in two days, for a tubal ligation [yay!] and an exploratory for endometriosis or whatever lives in my guts [booooooo]. I'm scared, and excited, all at the same time. I just... it's so hard for me to take general anesthesia because of my apnea, so I'm scared of dying too. RRRGH.

This got long, sorry. props to anyone who reads the whole thing. I just mostly needed to get it out.
Comments 
21st-Oct-2009 01:54 am (UTC)
::big safe hugs:: The surgery for endo can actually be a HUGE help. I had my endometriosis cauterized, and it removed 99% of my pain.
21st-Oct-2009 04:49 am (UTC)
Oh gods, really? I hope hope hope that's the cure for "whatever ails me," because at this point, endo is just a guess. An educated one, but still a guess.

I'm just... losing hope that I'll ever be "okay" medically, and it hurts. A lot.
21st-Oct-2009 09:51 pm (UTC)
Endometriosis is almost impossible to definitively diagnose without laparascopy - so them going in and looking around could give a diagnosis - and possible fix with cauterization. My pain's been gone almost completely - and hormonal birth control has kept me pain free (prevents it from re-growing, slows the growth of what does still grow) for going on 6 years now.

I can relate. I have a few chronic health issues, and it's awfully disheartening to face a future full of pain.
21st-Oct-2009 03:08 am (UTC)
I used to listen to those songs and repeat when the CDs first came out; they're my favorite songs by Linkin Park. I also felt like the song was validating, as opposed to feeling hopeless like the lyrics imply.

I'm glad that you're able to see their behavior for what it is and voice it! :)
21st-Oct-2009 03:29 am (UTC)
*HUGS* thank you for sharing (some of) your story. You are obviously a very strong woman and i hope you feel proud of all you have acompished!
I am sorry that so many things have happened to you, and i hope things continue to improve.

I was on Seroquil awhile ago, it helped me alot (i stopped with it because it made me too tired) then i switched to risperdal which was great as well, i wish i had it now!

I understand furstrations about Christians- there seems to be such an overwhelming number of people who consider themselves being "good Christians" who have such mixed up priorities, and are often hyporicitcal, etc. This isnt true for all, in my opinion, but there are plenty!

I hope your surgery goes well, know that you will be in my thoughts and (if its alright) prayers!
*hugs!*
21st-Oct-2009 04:43 am (UTC)
Good luck with your surgery *safe hugs*
By the way, nice icon ;P
21st-Oct-2009 04:54 am (UTC)
Please don't judge all Christians by the ones you've known. (I always hope that no religion is judged by the worst examples of it.) It seems like your family was very "special"

I hope your surgery goes well and you continue to grow in independence from your family.

I'm so sorry that anyone has to live this. Second time I've heard a similar story in the last couple of days. I wish no one had to live this.

safe hugs
22nd-Oct-2009 01:46 am (UTC)
this is so interesting because when I was still living with my 'parents' as a teenager, that linkin park album with those exact songs, really really really helped me.

and I read the whole thing, and I am so amazed by your resilience. So much control, confrontation, violence, distress, and yet you still knew what was good for you and worked towards it, even if 'it' made your life hell.

I would say that it doesn't matter that you have your weak moments, we all do, what matters is that you're a fighter and you fight for what you need in this life.

I found your story very moving, and I hope your health problems will get resolved from these surgeries.

Keep fighting girl! Your mind is a powerful weapon :)
23rd-Oct-2009 12:55 am (UTC)
Church people are not Christians. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian just like going to school doesn't make you a genius. I had my resentments with God too. But I had to understand that it was just because of what other people had tried to push onto me. Anyway, I hope things get better. I know how it is to be neglected and then be expected to be self-maintaining. Hope things go well for you and *safe hugs.*
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