Ok, so I couldn't sleep last night. And so I was about to get into that thing that you do when you're bored or trying to sleep or lonely or ...whatever.
I started conjuring a story that I had read awhile back (cause I prefer words to pictures and video). And you know how your brain sort of creates the world around the story? Or is that just me?
All of a sudden, I just stopped.
I took a look around the setting in my brain and realized:
It was [my ex's] apartment. (Yes, HIM.)
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
And I thought about it for a minute, and thought, wait... Just about every time... it ends up being... HIS apartment.
Especially when I need the hardcore stuff: the kink, the fetishes, the BDSM stuff.
So this was at 4 am, while I couldn't sleep, and then freaking out because of THIS revelation. Then I get up and do my thing today, go to Costco (full pantry FTW!), go to therapy at 4pm, and stutter through the above - because, well, I have a male therapist and it was just a little awkward because, well, I'm just not good about talking about fantasies.
He was intrigued. Not like, creepy-interested, but wondered what my subconscious was doing, and he came up with this:
Maybe it's an aggressive move on your part. You know, saying, "Look! I can have a fantasy and it's in YOUR apartment, and YOU'RE not a part of it!" You know?
I'm not sure I can buy that.
I've also been super triggery lately, for no reason I can think of, even though like I said in my last post here a couple weeks ago, I do have a tendency to poke at things when they need to just die.
So my therapist helped me poke at it a little more today. I've been seeing my therapist for about a year and a half, and somehow, we've never gone through the details of that particular relationship (nor the details of the night IT happened), as I realized when I said something and he said, "We've never talked about this..." He asked if the relationship was always like it was at the end. If we'd ever had good sexual relations, before the assault. (Slightly off-topic - he did use the actual word "assault" - when I always make it a point to call it what it was: Rape.) I said I didn't know. I said the whole relationship was a huge mind-fuck from day one, and only after the fact did I realize how bad it was. "Mind-fuck," he said. "That's a great way to put it... He was really manipulative, wasn't he?"
I hate that we can know all the signs, we can see it happening to other people and be so so sure that we'll never let it happen to us, and then... here we are...