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Trigger Factory 
12th-Oct-2009 08:44 pm
woman rebel
If I have missed any triggers, please let me know ASAP and I'll fix them! <3

Ok, so I couldn't sleep last night. And so I was about to get into that thing that you do when you're bored or trying to sleep or lonely or ...whatever.
I started conjuring a story that I had read awhile back (cause I prefer words to pictures and video). And you know how your brain sort of creates the world around the story? Or is that just me?

All of a sudden, I just stopped.
I took a look around the setting in my brain and realized:

It was [my ex's] apartment. (Yes, HIM.)


And I thought about it for a minute, and thought, wait... Just about every time... it ends up being... HIS apartment.

Especially when I need the hardcore stuff: the kink, the fetishes, the BDSM stuff.

So this was at 4 am, while I couldn't sleep, and then freaking out because of THIS revelation. Then I get up and do my thing today, go to Costco (full pantry FTW!), go to therapy at 4pm, and stutter through the above - because, well, I have a male therapist and it was just a little awkward because, well, I'm just not good about talking about fantasies.

He was intrigued. Not like, creepy-interested, but wondered what my subconscious was doing, and he came up with this:

Maybe it's an aggressive move on your part. You know, saying, "Look! I can have a fantasy and it's in YOUR apartment, and YOU'RE not a part of it!" You know?

I'm not sure I can buy that.

I've also been super triggery lately, for no reason I can think of, even though like I said in my last post here a couple weeks ago, I do have a tendency to poke at things when they need to just die.

So my therapist helped me poke at it a little more today. I've been seeing my therapist for about a year and a half, and somehow, we've never gone through the details of that particular relationship (nor the details of the night IT happened), as I realized when I said something and he said, "We've never talked about this..." He asked if the relationship was always like it was at the end. If we'd ever had good sexual relations, before the assault. (Slightly off-topic - he did use the actual word "assault" - when I always make it a point to call it what it was: Rape.) I said I didn't know. I said the whole relationship was a huge mind-fuck from day one, and only after the fact did I realize how bad it was. "Mind-fuck," he said. "That's a great way to put it... He was really manipulative, wasn't he?"

I hate that we can know all the signs, we can see it happening to other people and be so so sure that we'll never let it happen to us, and then... here we are...
13th-Oct-2009 01:38 am (UTC)
So you know, it's not unusual for our fantasy worlds to incorporate aspects of the abuse we've survived - even if it's just the environment. Sometimes it's a matter of empowerment, and sometimes it's a matter of reliving an aspect of it as a means of processing.

Good for you for talking about it with your therapist - I'm sure that must have been hard to do, and kudos to you for tackling it!
13th-Oct-2009 01:45 am (UTC)
I figured it was part of the processing - but because I JUST realized it last night I haven't had time to process the part that might be processing (lol, if that makes sense).

The empowerment thing didn't even occur to me when my therapist brought it up - and I'm still not sure that that's what's going on here, but it does make for an interesting angle.

I went into his office today and was like, "OK - we're not talking about the BS at work anymore - I'm done bitching about it. We're talking about the hard stuff today even if it makes me squicky and spazzy!!"
13th-Oct-2009 02:16 am (UTC)
I had the same thought that your therapist did: that it's a way for you to reclaim the place where you were abused. But, that doesn't mean we're right and you're wrong if it doesn't feel right to you. Sometimes it's not the most obvious answer.

Also, that is such a huge step to talk about the details in therapy. It took me about a year or so before I finally went through all of the situations that I could remember. Go at a pace that feels right to you. :)
13th-Oct-2009 02:25 am (UTC)
Well, it's been over three years since the actual event. I had a therapist shortly after for about a year, maybe a little over a year before she cut me off because my insurance ran out.

This guy is so awesome, because my insurance situation has been sketchy for the entirety of my time with him, and he's NEVER left me out in the cold.

It's definitely a different angle - but like I said to sistahraven, since I just realized it this morning, I haven't had time to process what I might be working out in my subconscious.
15th-Oct-2009 08:42 pm (UTC)
I don't think you really NEED to go into the details. When I started seeing my therapist she said the details weren't important unless I felt like I needed to talk about them, that focusing on the emotions and healing was the issue.

15th-Oct-2009 08:50 pm (UTC)
That's a good point. I was up front when I started seeing this one that "this is a brief overview of what happened, but THIS is what I want to focus on now". But it's nice to at least to be on the same page sometimes. I think he understands a little better some of the other things now. *shrug*
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