cut for suicidal ideation, talk of murder, abuse - physical, emotional, psychological -, police, jail, therapy, hospitalization [voluntary], flashbacks. let me know if I missed anything, please - I'm not in a good place and I'm having a very, very hard time thinking.
my parents abused me. terribly. all of my life until I moved out, and then even afterwords until I stopped talking to them.
I've been thinking very, very strongly about calling the police in Colorado and having my parents prosecuted for child abuse.
I don't know, however, if I can actually do this. I'm not strong enough. it hurts so bad... but I'm tired of the flashbacks I can have at any moment of my waking day, but especially when trying to sleep. waking up my boyfriend screaming is not fun once, but when it happens multiple times a week... gods.
right now, all I want to do is murder my parents and then off myself. and I could do the latter, actually - I have enough vicodin, ambien, and benadryl to do the job. logically, I could never kill my parents. I couldn't do that to my Real Family - the people that actually care about me.
I just... I can't take this any more. the voices in my head are telling me to kill myself, yet again, I don't want to go back to hospital, again [it would be the fourth time this year], but I may not have a choice. the voices have gotten progressively worse than when they started, less than two hours ago.
I'm so scared. and I hurt so much. *cries*</cut>