cut for suicidal ideation, talk of murder, abuse - physical, emotional, psychological -, police, jail, therapy, hospitalization [voluntary], flashbacks. let me know if I missed anything, please - I'm not in a good place and I'm having a very, very hard time thinking.
my parents abused me. terribly. all of my life until I moved out, and then even afterwords until I stopped talking to them.
I've been thinking very, very strongly about calling the police in Colorado and having my parents prosecuted for child abuse.
I don't know, however, if I can actually do this. I'm not strong enough. it hurts so bad... but I'm tired of the flashbacks I can have at any moment of my waking day, but especially when trying to sleep. waking up my boyfriend screaming is not fun once, but when it happens multiple times a week... gods.
right now, all I want to do is murder my parents and then off myself. and I could do the latter, actually - I have enough vicodin, ambien, and benadryl to do the job. logically, I could never kill my parents. I couldn't do that to my Real Family - the people that actually care about me.
I just... I can't take this any more. the voices in my head are telling me to kill myself, yet again, I don't want to go back to hospital, again [it would be the fourth time this year], but I may not have a choice. the voices have gotten progressively worse than when they started, less than two hours ago.
I'm so scared. and I hurt so much. *cries*</cut>
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (and I say this as someone who attempted suicide over a dozen times, and I intend no right/wrong good/bad judgment with this). I have every faith that you have the strength, determination, and will to be able to get through this, to keep processing what you've survived, and have the flashbacks, nightmares, and all of it get less intense and less frequent.
If you feel you're in danger, a stay somewhere with focused care could be a good option. Remember - there's never "too much" of asking for help when you need it. You're the best judge of what's right for you - and it's okay if what's best right now is focused care for a few days, or calling a crisis line, or investigating options of how to get help processing the abuse.
::big safe hugs:: And we're here. Keep reaching out to us when you need us. We're a big community, with lots of love to share.
*sighs* I hate this state sometimes.
If you do go to the hospital, remember that it's okay to say, outright, that you're seriously suicidal. Can you see if there's a patient advocate at the hospital? Often, they're the people who can get things done if a hospital is slacking in appropriately treating their patients, and be a voice for you and your needs. If so, they might be able to help get the hospital to do their jobs and do more than give you just a regular schedule and time away from your current routine.
I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Are you able to respond to the voices, or converse with them in any way and let them know that they don't need to abuse you to keep you safe (many times that is the skewed objective with that kind of talk, although feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).
*safe hugs if they're wanted*