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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
originally posted in my journal on 12/11/2004 
2nd-Jun-2005 02:29 am
endless dark

 

 

1) I was born in June of 1979

2) My father was a pedophile I learned that the hard way. ( I can recall every incident almost perfectly, However the incident that sticks out in my mind the most is the first. Mom worked nights so it was just me and dad at home. While he was tucking me in he ran his hand up the inside of my leg and began to grope me. Then he stood up and began removing his clothes. After he was done undressing he stripped me next and laid me on top of the covers face down. Then I felt the most horrible pain I have ever felt. I kept screaming and crying but he wouldn't stop he

just kept telling me to shut the fuck up but I couldn't it hurt to bad. Then he pulled out, sat on the edge of the bed grabbed me by the back of the head and forced his penis into my mouth I kept gagging, crying, trying to scream but it didn't work. Then I felt him orgasm. the taste in my mouth was salty and gross. I kept crying as he stood up and he kept telling me to shut the fucking hell up or I'd be sorry. The he took the belt out of his pants and just started hitting me with it as hard as he could all the while he was yelling at me to shut up. Then he quit hitting me and turned me over and he began to fuck me all over again he told me that I had better learn to like it. Three anal sessions that night and then after the last one he put himself back into my mouth while I was gagging I bit down then the beating started up again with an intensified ferocity the last thing I remember is being thrown at the wall..........................................................................

Eventually in pre-school they were talking about good touching and bad touching then I told mom what had been going on and dad was arrested.)I wet the bed to this day because of his abuse. I have nightmares you see, and I get to relive it all, all over again. I don't have the dreams every night the last time was about six months ago. but I know I'll have the nighmares again and I'll wake up in soaked bed sheets. My brother Bill calls me three legs to this day because of it. As if I'm not ashamed of myself enough for it already.

 

3) Mom was diagnosed with cancer shortly after her seperation from my father. She was told she only had a few months to live and thats what everyone kept telling me, but after an few years I quit believing them. I guess they thought they were doing me a favor but they weren't. Hadn't any of them ever heard of the little boy who cried wolf?

4) I was put into foster care because my older brother Bill told DHS that mom was starving me (at the time I was about 100 lbs overweight). (My first foster mother used tease me relentlessly for wetting the bed she said I was doing it on purpose for attention. I told the school and my case worker but none of them believed me. When she found out I had told people she began locking me in the bedroom closet with tape on my mouth so I couldn't yell she said I would have to learn who the boss was.)

5) Finaly after The state was through with their investigation I was allowed to return to mom. Shortly after this mom and I moved to her home town in Iowa. (moms family wasn't to popular there. The first couple of days went well I was making friends untill they found out I was related to the stillmans then Nobody wanted anything to do with me. I was teased on the playground and beat up on the school bus telling did no good. my grades started slipping fast. I became quiet and withdrawn and kept to myself as much as I could)

(Moms health was going fast too and I began coming up with excuses not to go to school and when I was made to go I skipped out and went home anyway so I could be near mom because I was worried about her. The kids at school kept asking when my mom was going to die so I would move away, or they'ld ask me to tell her to hurry up and die. and the teachers didn't do anything about it.)

6) Mom died June 9th 1993, 5 days before my fourteenth birthday. I was only allowed to attend the wake my new foster mother said I didn't need to be at the buriel. All of my relatives were pulled off to the side at the wake and asked if they wanted me and none of them wanted to be bothered. ( a couple of days later I had my first breakdown I took every pill in their medicine cabinet. I was woke up by the sound of my foster mother telling me to clean the puke up. Then Elizabeth came back into my life, she was an imaginary friend of mine who used to comfort me when dad was in his moods I hadn't seen her in a long time. She comforted me and we spent a lot of time together.)

7) About two months after mom passed on my case worker decided I needed to start seeing a therapist. ( The first couple of months with her went ok she had gotten me to open up. Then she had started talking with me about the abuse had recived from my father.

I still remember that cold November day. As usual I was dropped off outside of her office by my foster father. It was chilly so I hurried inside. When I walked into her office she wasn't there so I took my usual seat on her overstuffed couch. She came in and locked the door (she always did this so we wouldn't be interrupted.) She came over and sat next to me on the couch, so I scooted down closer to the end of the couch so I could have some space. She asked me if it made me nervous with her being that close to me. I told her it did and she scooted closer and asked why. I told her it was just that I liked having my space. She then asked if it had anything to do with my fathers abuse and I didn't answer. She moved right up next to me and I started to squirm. She said "See this isn't so bad now is it?". After about ten or fifteen minuets I started to relax. After I had calmed down a bit she said sex isn't anything to be afraid of and I told her I wasn't afraid of it. She said "really? Then I guess it wouldn't bother you if I kissed you?" I didn't answer and I began to get very nervous (honestly the the of sex not only terrified me but sickend me as well.) Then she did it she kissed me not just a peck on the cheek but a full open mouthed kiss. I froze I couldn't talk I couldn't move, nothing I completely locked up. then she said wasn't that nice then she began to open my pants I still couldn't move I was terrified. I had just started puberty and had never had an erection. Her hand felt alien as she began to rub my genitals and I began to swell up. Once I was hard she started performing oral sex on me then not even a minuet into it I ejaculated ,she said "see didn't that feel good" and I still couldn't talk. She asked me what was wrong but I didn't reply. I started to close my pants and she asked me what I was doing she wasn't done, she said she was trying to show me that sex wasn't scary. She removed her clothing and sat down next to me again. She said I should do the same and I shook my head no. She said she knew I wanted too because I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She leaned over and began to untie my shoes then she slid my pants off of me and removed my shirt. Then she laid back on the couch and asked me if I wanted to touch her. She took one of my hands and brought it to her inner thigh and laid it against her leg. I couldn't help myself then I started running my hands over her legs. They were smooth. she took my hand again and put it against her croch with her free hand she parted her lips and made me slide my fingers into her. Finally she told me to put myself into her by that time I was eager. My god it felt so good. When she were through she told me to get dressed and not to talk about that with anyone.

I left her office feeling very confused on one level what we did felt dirty and wrong (and it was wrong on many different levels), but physically it was wonderful.

Our next sessions went much the same way then after about three months worth of visits I told her I loved her and at the time I really thought I did. she got very quiet and we did our usual thing but it was different.

The next week she called and cancelled our appointment a couple of days later my case worker told

me he got the good news that I was fine and that I wouldn't have to see my therapist anymore. I was crushed The next day I cut class jumped on a buss and went to her office she refused to see me. The last I heard she accepted a job out of town and I haven't seen her since. As always Elizabeth the dragon was there for me.

8) On my fifteenth birthday I had my second break down and my second suicide attempt ( This time I cut huge gashes in my arms in the tub. But I was discovered shortly there afterward my foster parents and caseworker said i was just doing it for attention because my therapist said I was fine. Elizabeth began to talk to me more and soon I was feeling ok again. Although she didn't talk to me when other people were around she was always there following me and that was a great comfort.

9) Then my sophmore year of highschool there was this cheerleader I used to ask on dates and to dances but she would never say yes because I was a loser. Then before the Sadie Hawkins day dance she asked me if I would go to it with her. I said yes. On my way to work after school that day Elizabeth told me she was up to no good and I shouldn't go I finally got mad and told her she was just jealous and told her to leave me the fuck alone, and she did.

Before the dance I was elated. I went out and bought some new clothes and got her a dozen longstem roses the cost didn't matter I wanted to make an impression. When I showed up at her door she came out with another guy. My heart was broken I dropped the flowers and started to walk away. There were tears welling up in my eyes. I guess thats why I didn't see the three guys at the end of the sidewalk. One of them knocked me down and demanded to know where I was going I didn't say anything then she walked up and said look the little loser baby is crying. The three guys and her date began to beat me up then one of them brought out some ducttape and bound my hands and feet and mouth, Then they threw me in the trunk of their car. After I don't know how long they stopped the car and threw me into a ditch and her date came up and kicked me in the face and told me to stay the hell away from his girlfriend because she didn't date losers. I heard her laugh as she was saying how pathetic I was while he was closing the car door. The next day a farmer found me untied me and took me home.

However there was no Elizabeth to comfort me I sobbed most of the next couple of days some because of the dance but mostly because I had driven away the only friend I had ever really had. Then the night before I had to return to school I attempted suicide for the third time. ( This time I tried to kill myself with alchohol poisoning, I broke into the liquor cabinet I sat in my room and drank till I passed out. That didn't work all I got out of it was my first hangover and an extra day off of school.)

10) Just before I turned 18 I met my ex-wife after asking her on a date a few times she finaly agreed. We got along well and about six months later I asked her to marry me. She was two years younger than myself and in may of 1999 we were married. I was working two jobs we were buying a trailer and I thought things were going well then one day I came home from work and she told me she had been sleeping with someone else.

I left and went for a drive. I went to a park that had some nature trails I walked down one and I broke down crying. Then I heard an old familiar voice, It was Elizabeth. That calmed me down a lot and I apologized for chasing her away. (She had been gone for almost two years.) I didn't go home or to work for a few days. Instead I went over to a friends house and spent them in a drug induced delerium. I had quit using drugs when I was 17. Finaly Elizabeth talked me into going home and talking to my wife. So after I sobered up I did and she apologized and told me she didn't want to hurt me she just wanted to get out of her parents house, she said she didn't love me and she was sorry if she made me believe she did (Seriously what the fuck was she think she was doing when she accepted my proposal?). So after three months my marrige was over. I moved to my hometown then but I couldn't quit thinking about what she did to me. Elizabeth kept me company and tried to explain that things would get better but I wasn't really listening. Then in November of 1999 I had my fourth breakdown and suicide attempt. This time I tried a combination of all three previous suicide attempts. I filled the bathtub up with warm water Then I got good and drunk and got in the tub then I took a bunch of pills that said do not take with alchohol next I Cut more deep gashes in my arms and did my best to fall asleep. I woke up the bleeding had stopped and I began vomiting violently. Elizabeth asked me how I was doing. I asked her how in the fuck do you think I'm doing. I ended up moving back to Iowa shortly there after.)

11) I've had two relationships since then the first one wanted to know why I was depressed and she kept at me till I told her. She ended up saying that we should spend some time apart and she avoided me for over a year. ( I didn't tell her about Elizabeth either.)

My last relationship lasted about 3 1/2 years She to wanted to know about my depression but I wouldn't tell her. Finally Elizabeth talked me into telling her when I did she got mad and said if I kept all of that from her maybe I had other things I wasn't telling her she left and I haven't talked to her since. She wouldn't take my calls or anything so I gave up.

Its not like I kept all of it from her anyway she knew I had been married previously and she knew about my fathers abuse and the bed wetting................................... but some of it is just to hard to talk about; Lord knows It's hard enough to write about. Again I kept Elizabeth out of it.

 

This is the first time I've talked about Elizabeth with anyone since I was about 6 years old. It definatly makes me question my sanity because I can hear her plain as day just as well as I can see her she casts a shadow and everything. She appears to be solid to sight. My senses can Identify her. Nobody else seems to be able to though. She won't talk to me when there is anyone else around; unless I'm in trouble for something then she says stupid shit to make me laugh to ease my tension (and others don't hear her at these times either), however that usually gets me in more trouble. So am I insane? I don't know, that would at least make some sense.

Elizabeth tells me that I let people take advantage of me but honestly, I don't try to. I treat everyone like a friend untill they do something to make me do otherwise. I help as much as I can. I try to be civicly involved when I can. I do charity work and I take care of the people I care about. But Elizabeth says I put myself last to often and maybe I do, but I wouldn't do things anyother way. It's been a long time since I've been happy; sure I smile and joke in public but its all just an act. sometimes It just seems like no matter how hard I try I mess everything up. To be truly happy just for one day would be the event of a lifetime. I go to bed wanting to die and I wake up hoping death will come for me during the day.

Elizabeth has been around a lot lately to see how I'm doing I tell her I'm ok but I don't think she believes me, in fact I'm not sure if I believe me. I can feel another breakdown coming, its like watching a storm moving in on the horizon. I can see the clouds that are black as coal, bright flashes of lightning, I can feel a slight breeze caused by the relentless wind. I can smell the rain. But I can't do a damn thing but watch it and pray that it dies down or changes course.

I've waited a while to post my story here because I wanted to see what kind of people were here and I feel I can trust this community. I'm not looking for sympathy just somebody who understands where I'm coming from. I don't talk about these things very often the world has enough problems without me adding mine into the mix, but my story did have to be told just in case there is someone out there who can benefit from it or they have had similar expieriences and need someone to talk to. No I didn't tell my whole story because some of it is still to painful to talk/write about. What I have here I've been working on for about a week and a half. besides you have your own problems too and it's not fair to burden you with all of mine. I also realize that there are others who have had it a lot worse than me, and that in itself is a very depressing thought.

I'm going to let you go now so you can get on with your journal reading / posting.

 

 

AUFWEIDERSEHEN, >^..^<

Nameless_Me

 

P.S. If anyone else has friends like Elizabeth I would really like to hear about them if you want to share. It would make feel a lot saner if I knew I wasn't the only one who had one.

Comments 
2nd-Jun-2005 06:12 am (UTC)
I read the entire thing and I don't even know what to say.
just hang in there.
2nd-Jun-2005 08:27 am (UTC)
Hugs
2nd-Jun-2005 08:59 am (UTC)
I just read all of it. I don't think there is anything I can say to help. Just stay strong, and hang in there. ((hugs)) You'll get through this.

~Laura
2nd-Jun-2005 02:30 pm (UTC) - So very brave...
This must have taken so much strength and courage and although your story definitely made me cry, I'm giving you a big standing ovation right now. You deserve one.

I absolutely hate categorical dichotomies like sane/insane. You may feel like you must be crazy to be seeing or hearing Elizabeth when no one else can, but to me, it sounds like Elizabeth IS your sanity, your saving grace. And it makes perfect sense to me. You probably don't trust yourself enough to listen to your own voice of wisdom inside you, but it is demanding that it be heard and manifesting as something outside yourself so that you will pay attention.

I had imaginary friends when I was younger. Hinky in particular was vividly real. I could hear him and see him plain as day. I think that when we age we lose touch with the magical part of ourselves that allows us the freedom to have these friends. I think it is beautiful that you still have this. I wish I did.

When my abuse started (I was 19), I started regaining my connection to either this part of myself or maybe it was angels, I don't know. But I remember having a complete panic attack when I was lying alone in my and my ex-fiance (my abuser)'s bed and I heard a female voice (not in my head) say gently, but firmly "Stop!" I looked in the direction it came from and didn't see anything, but I definitely stopped. Now, whenever I freak out and am in bed, there are many occasions when I feel someone there. It is a male, I know this. And he will sit on my bed. I can see/feel the bed depress beneath his weight and sometimes a book I've been reading will slide into the depression on the bed. There is also my "ghost kitty," a cat that will jump up and curl up with me when I'm having a bad night. I can feel her walking across the covers and over my legs before she settles down behind my knees. I can feel her breathing. They are both loving and comforting.

I also have conversations with a male voice that is clearly in my head, but is distinct from me. I've even seen him. He's a tall black man who wears an ivory fedora. He pokes fun at me and makes me laugh at myself when my thoughts are irrationally self-defeating. He provides wisdom that I don't feel I have. None of my experiences are as vivid as your Elizabeth is to you (I wish they were), but they are along the same lines.

Do I think I'm insane? No. There is distinct comfort in these beings, whatever they are: angels, ghosts, fragmented aspects of my self, or pure imagination. I don't really care nor need to know what they are. I just know that they have provided moments of sanity when I've felt myself going over the edge. It sounds like Elizabeth does the same for you. She's not some schizophrenic voice telling you to kill people. If she was, I'd be concerned. But since she is helping you to stay grounded and to listen to yourself and keep you buoyant in moments when you are sinking fast, I think she's fabulous and rather than question her "reality," embrace her for the guidance she offers.

Being a spiritual person I believe that wisdom (i.e. Athena) appears to us often in the only forms that we will actually listen to her (throughout Greek mythology, Athena was a shape-shifter who took on the identities of familiars and strangers alike to guide heroes in their quests). I thought I was crazy, but it was a religion professor of mine who heard my stories who convinced me that it was probably just Athena guiding me along the way. It did so much for me to have someone validate my experiences in such a positive, healthy and healing way. I hope that in writing this, I can pass that validating experience along to you.

Blessings to you and Elizabeth. :)
2nd-Jun-2005 05:28 pm (UTC) - Re: So very brave...
I know of many myths from greek norse and various other mythologies. I have never totaaly discredited any of them due to the fact that many myths and legends have some basis in fact. I do not consider myself completely insane because I question my sanity. My spitiuality is lacking I love to research various faiths however I have yet to find one that works for me.
2nd-Jun-2005 03:51 pm (UTC)
I had Dule. She's... gone now. I think. I don't know. I had Dule and I had The Mask and I had Kitty. Dule... god. she was wonderful.

You might find this community interesting - multiplicity. Most of the people there are multipules, where many people share one body - nto exactly like you and Elizabeth, because Elizabeth never took control of your body (or did she?) but it might be interesting anyway.
2nd-Jun-2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
I have no idea if elizabeth ever takes controll or not but I do occasionally find myself places and have no idea how I got there ot why I went there. I remember nothing of the expierience and that disturbes me especially since I wind up in some strange places.
2nd-Jun-2005 10:37 pm (UTC)
Try asking her about it...
2nd-Jun-2005 10:40 pm (UTC)
I have and if she knows she is playing dumb.
2nd-Jun-2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
I read somewhere that 'insanity is a sane reaction to an insane world'.

Or, as it was put in one of my psychology lectures -- human behaviour is *not sane*. Not in the Western world. If we behaved sanely, we would be unable to fit into society.

Everything is some form of adaptation by your brain. Some are helpful adaptations, some are destructive. Look at the results rather than the symptoms -- you could describe it as audio/visual hallucinations, or you could say...you have a friend who looks out for you when you need someone. Hell, we should all be so lucky.

I used to have someone very like Elizabeth. But...he's gone. In some ways that's a relief, because he could be very damaging, but at times it makes me feel very alone.
17th-Jun-2005 12:14 am (UTC)
i am sorry for all that you have gone thru, esp. what your father has done to you in such a young age!! i have a 3 year old son and i cannot imagine him being hurt that way and innocence of young children being roped away in such cruelty, it is just sick!! i wish i could do more...hope and pray you will find healing, love, peace and forgiveness in time...and live your life without guilt and shame, but in VICTORY that you have survived and that you have a PURPOSE, rather than in defeat...most of all i hope you will find a loving God whom you can listen to rather than your imaginary friend, Elizabeth, since childhood...
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