I've been a member here for a wee while, and as I read everyone else's stories I always feel such strength and hope, because while they're all different, they all tell me that while I or they may be at our wit's end, there's something there to grab onto. I've told very very few people of my story, simply because I'm a very private person and don't like other's knowing things about me that doesn't really affect them. But lately I feel as if I'm literally coming apart at the seams. So I hope it's okay that I share this here.
I'm not a touchy feely person, never have been. My father walked out on my mum and us when I was little and I had to grow up pretty fast to help out. I have a cousin that is the same age as me and for years, right up until I was 16, we were pretty much inseparable, and it cause numerous arguments between my siblings and myself. It's only now looking back that I can understand that things were not 'right.' We would mess around, and he would touch me, and encourage me to touch him. Occasionally it went further, pinning me and rubbing himself against me, but we never had sex, it was always just touching. He had this friend who was older and had a learning difficulty. One day we were in the park and his friend pulled me to the ground and pinned me, I can remember thinking the stones on my back really hurt more than him grinding down on top of me. My cousin stood 10 feet away and kept telling us to hurry up and stop messing around. I saw him in court one day while i was taking law classes and nearly bolted right out of the room. I've only ever seen him a few times since. I don't know if I fear him or my cousin more.
When I turned 16, my younger cousin died while on holiday, that summer the rest of my cousin's family and I had a major falling out due to the death, even now, his mother can't be within two feet of me in the same room, she'll leave it before she even has to speak to me. All I can think about is the amount of times we all sat in the same room and laughed. Now? Now all I think about is 'I didn't do anything!' Even though that took me years to finally believe in.
I went of the rails that summer. Started acting out like I have done, I skipped classes, didn't do homework, ditched my friends when I could, I started smoking and drinking and self-harming in any and every way i could think off. I met a boy that year and he turned my world upside down. It was later on that, when I was out with him and some of our 'friends' that I nearly died. Out of the 7 of us that went out that night, - not including me - 5 of them raped, sodomized and used an object on me repeatedly. I was beaten to almost an inch of my life and spent the next year in a hospital learning to walk again and regain my memory. There are still things that I do not remember. And I still carry the scars, some of my friends know, others don't. Since then, i've become much more closed off and untrusting and anti-social. There are days that I jump at every single noise and I zone out for hours at a time. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder and I suffere from regular bouts of insomnia too. I had a friend tell me today that one those friends thought I was fibbing. It hurt more than I can put into words, because the friend he is talking about, is one I've told the most too.
In March of this year I was involved in a car accident that led to my fiance and the child I was carrying dying. I had several injuries and am still suffering from amnesia. I find myself getting confused about the times I'm trying to remember. And when I wake up from a dream and recall that I was in hospital, I panic. Because I'm in two times. One is a few months ago while the other is nearly 10 years ago. And the One person who helped me deal and got me to where I am is no longer here. And the one person I wish i could call, I can't. Because she might think I'm fibbing.
I've been to counselling, and pyschiarists and they've helped only so much. Talking hasn't made everything easier, it's made it all the more difficult, because this time...outside of my family who walk on eggshells 90% of the time...I feel as if I now have no one to fall back on. I've never been very good at talking about myself, always been a better listener, but I guess I just need to get this out. With everything else that's happening with my family, I don't think I can deal with having to put this on them, and professionals make me twitchy and anxious to a the degree that I get panic attacks thinking about talking to them.