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      im not sure if i can do this anymore.… 
29th-Jul-2009 01:46 am
     im not sure if i can do this anymore.
i cant ever begin to explain to a therapist what has happened to me.
ive stopped therapy all together now.

i just want to curl up in a ball and die.

(sorry for this horrbile post)

29th-Jul-2009 12:50 am (UTC)
It's hard to find a good therapist. I had one when I was 11 until I was 14, but our health insurance changed (I'm 25 now).

Keep looking for one. Most therapists do not know how to work with trauma patients. You'll be able to find one, and you'll be able to open up to someone about this.

One sign of a good therapist is that they're mindful not to trigger you too much in one session. If you're feeling like this, triggered, then they have not done their job. It is not your fault.
29th-Jul-2009 01:03 am (UTC)
no body actually knows anything about me, as far as there concerned im there for treatment for bulimia and self harm.

did you find one eventually?
29th-Jul-2009 12:53 am (UTC)
There are definitely a good number of us who completely understand what you're going through who are here to listen and to help however we can.

Telling anyone, let alone a therapist, takes a tremendous amount of strength. And it has to happen at your discretion when you are comfortable. Just coming here and posting what you did takes courage in and of itself and is a step towards recovery all on its own.

Maybe it would help to take some time to do something nice for yourself tonight? Or split the time up into smaller increments? Sometimes things seem less overwhelming when we only have to make it through one hour at a time.

*safe hugs* if they're wanted.

On a mod note: I do have to ask that you put this behind an LJ-cut. I know it's a short post, but it's got some triggering elements to it. Maybe you could use the labels "therapy" and "brief mention of suicidal thoughts"?

You might want to consider changing your icon as well. It triggered me a bit when I saw it as it initially gives the impression that it's self-deprecating. No worries, though--I realize you might not have even considered it.

29th-Jul-2009 12:59 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the quick fixes! :-)

I do hope you are all right tonight.
29th-Jul-2009 01:02 am (UTC)
i hope that worked :)

well the therapist i saw was pretty awesome, theres a huge part of me that would love to just totally open up to her. and i know that way it would be really beneficial.

i have extreme insomnia -- im normally awake until about 6/7am regardless of what time i have to get up, even if im exhausted then i still cant sleep until it reaches the point where i collapse and crash out. so i normally feel like this during the night.

i feel awful saying all this to you---im sure you have better things to be doing than listening to a teenager rant on to you.

if you want a safe hug i send you one back .
29th-Jul-2009 01:14 am (UTC)
It definitely did! Thanks so much!

I'm so glad you like the therapist. It can be hard to find a good fit sometimes. It's important to feel like you're comfortable with the person you're talking to in there. And the opening up will come in time. It takes a while to build the relationship.

If night is often a bad time for you, you might try looking into soothing nighttime routines. They can be helpful to get you through the insomnia.

Please don't ever feel awful telling me--or anyone else here--anything! That's what we're here for. :-)

Besides, I work with teenagers, so I have a special spot in my heart for them. ;-)

And thank you for the hug back!
29th-Jul-2009 01:41 am (UTC)
have you ever written about what's happened to you? sometimes that can be a good first step to eventually being able to talk about it. it can be really hard to write about every little detail, but for me at least, it was good to get it out.

i also struggled for awhile to find the right therapist, but once i did, i was able to make real progress. it's worth it to keep looking, if you think therapy is something that might be able to help you.

*safe hugs* if you want them. you can make it through this!
29th-Jul-2009 01:43 am (UTC)
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I have been there, many times. I have spent years in and out of therapy, I've seen some great people and some who haven't been so great, but I still find it such a struggle to talk about how I feel.

*safe hugs* Please hang in there. Talk to us, that's what we are here for.
29th-Jul-2009 04:34 am (UTC)
Try to remember: this is a therapist's job. They hear about the horrors others have been through every single day; they are likely to know a great deal about things, even if you can't put them to words.

When you find a therapist who really meshes with you, remember it's okay to take things slowly. It took me a while to realize my therapist could "handle" what had happened to me; I thought my memories would break her, but they didn't.

Your life, your memories, are not so great a burden that a professional trained to hear them will not be able to hear them or understand. While there's no guarantee you'll mesh well with every therapist (everyone has different styles, of course), a majority will be able to go at your pace, talk about things when you're ready, and help you when you're at a loss for words.

All a therapist is, in the long run, is a juggler. They listen to what we tell them, and when we can't understand the connection from past to present, they show us something we've shared. You will always be the one doing the work of talking and communicating, and they're there to support and help you with perspective. They're trained to be able to handle the stress of knowing what you've been through, and they're ready to help you bear witness to your past.

You can definitely do this. ::big safe hugs::
29th-Jul-2009 08:48 am (UTC)
You can do it--don't give up! One thing I do is I write down how I feel, even if it's long and rambly, and I do it several times a day. It makes me feel just a little bit better. It can be hard to go to therapy...but maybe first you can just talk about something else, and not what happened? So you can feel more comfortable with them first? *safe hugs* Good luck!
29th-Jul-2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
Therapy can be so hard. You're expected to go in and talk to a complete stranger about things that you may have never told another soul in your life. All with the expectation that you will be "better" by the end of it. There is also a lot of pressure, I feel, that is put on people that go to therapy: you go to get better, so you better start getting better now!

Know that you need to go at your own pace, and if therapy isn't right for you right now that's okay. And if/when you do start therapy, you don't have to start out with the worst thing, or try to tackle it all at once.

Take good care of yourself and know that we're all here for you when you need us. I'm glad you posted ♥
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