I'm freaking out about my relationship. I'm in my first relationship post-rape and I'm freaking out. I've been dating him for six months and I think I'm starting to fall in love with him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to say it and him not feel it and be rejected and heartbroken. I don't want him to say it because the last person who loved me abused me and raped me.
I realized I can't trust him not to hurt me. It's not because he's ever done anything to hurt my trust, ever. In fact, the complete opposite. He's been great and honest in every single way.
So now I feel two completely different ways. The last person to love me ruined my life. But I want to love him and I want him to love me, desperately.
How can I feel vulnerable and trust him not to take advantage of that vulnerability? I know he's not my ex, but it's hard for me, when I'm spiraling out of control, to remember that.
Add to all this the fact that I'm visiting my hometown, and can drive past the exact place where I was raped, and I'm not having fun right now. I just feel so angry and sad and scared and alone. I want to feel numb so bad, and almost took a bunch of my antidepressants instead of one just to feel that numbness, but it was an unintentional thought and I put it out of my head quickly. I just...help.