Kate (newbury_skank) wrote in _survivors_,

i don't know right now. i'm putting this behind a cut partly cuz it's long and partly cuz i dunno if everyone wants to read it. it's not that horrible, just sad. and if ppl are in a good mood i don't want them to be kinda sad or anything...uhm yeah that doesn't make sense. i dunno..
So uhm... around 5:30 thursday morning my cell starts ringing, i thought it was just my boyfriend calling to apologize. that sweet loving, understanding boy that i love so very very much got drunk, called to get me to pick him up, and when i dropped him off decided he wanted to make out for a few minutes..ok fine by me..and then i realized why i hate messing around in cars. i think it's the small space and the fact i can't run away without having to open a door first. i dunno..but anyway i got uncomfortable and made it pretty fucking clear i wanted to stop and he didn't hold me back, but his arms were resting on the edge of the window (trashed and trying to hold himself up)and if he knew that i was freaking out i know he would've stopped but mass amounts of alcohol totally clouded his perception of how bad i was freaking out and he was doing the whole 'i don't want you to go. i'm sorry..i know you have to but i love you. one more kiss. please. i just wanna be with you right now. we don't have to mess around. just stay. ok don't..just one more kiss' k usually i find that cute..only for some reason it wasn't. anyway that's totally irrelavent to what i'm actually writing this for but i'm trying to stall because i don't want to put it in words because..i dunno. Uhm that phonecall, the one at 5:30, it wasn't from my boyfriend (though he did leave a message for me saying sorry) it was from my best friends mother...my best friend hung herself wednesday night. my best friend hung herself because of what her brother did to her. The only thing her mother was saying over and over when she called was "i didn't know. i swear to god i didn't know. she could've told me. i would've helped her. i would've held her and tried to fix things. why didn't she say anything. my baby is dead". I froze. Her brother died in a drunk driving accident 6 years ago, but when he was 16 and my best friend was 13 he raped her. she used to tell me it was "only once" so it didn't matter. I'm really at a loss for words. I went to the wake yesterday but it didn't hit me. I didn't feel awake. The funeral is tomorrow morning and I'm afraid to go, if I go then I know it's going to hit me that she's gone and then it will all be real. This horrible fucking nightmare will be real. OMG my sweet sweet danielle. And the note she left...omg...there's a lot to her mom and a little to her asshole dad and then something to our other friend and then there's part to me "Kate, your strong and beautiful. You can make it. I can't. You'll get through I know you will. Don't give up and don't give in. Keep fighting for what you believe in. Never lose sight of what matters and never let your passion die. This is not your fault. This is not HIS fault. I am the weak one. Don't cry hun, I don't want you to. Remember the good times and take care of my mom for me. You can find me in every line of our song. Promise me you'll think of me when you hear it? And I promise I will be in each and every chord you play. I love you always" OMFG. I don't know...she wasn't weak. she kept me strong. omg this isn't real...it can't be. I can't fucking type anymore. I can't handle this. I don't know why i even put this up here..i just needed to say something.
Tags: boundaries, death, suicide

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