Jenni (koikana) wrote in _survivors_,

Dealing with anger and depression

My grandmother called my mother last night to tell her that Tina, my brother Randy's wife (they were separated) died in a car accident. My grandmother, one of the few family members I truly get along with, heard it as she was listening to her police scanner, and only found out hours later that it was Tina.

Randy and Tina had a little girl, who is about 6 months older than my lil girl, who just turned seven. Their daughter is living full time with my grandma. The only reason they got married (just last year) was because my brother was getting out of jail (for possession of meth and lots of other crap... I hate him) and she was getting out of rehab and I guess they could only live together if they got married? Anyway, she left him pretty quick, shacked up with one dude, left him, and has been living with another for some time.

She has two (?) older children, one who lives with her "mom" who was her foster mom, one who they are still trying to track down. I think they all had different fathers. She was six months pregnant, with the man she dated after she left my brother.

Originally we were told that her boyfriend who was driving was really drunk, and stopped on the interstate, shut the car (and the lights) off, and someone came along, saw the car too late, and swerved, running over Tina's side of the car.

Well, while my mom was on the 7 hour drive down there, my grandma called her and told her that they're postponing the funeral, the coroner thought that she looked like she was beaten to death, and that the car accident was suspicious. They had already taken her boyfriend to jail, because of the drunk driving. They also found cocaine and alcohol in her system.

I will be honest. I didn't like Tina. She used meth, didn't give a damned about her children, and wasn't a nice person.

Before I found out about this other thing, I was upset. Drunk driving upsets me. If it was just hte drunks who got hurt, I wouldn't care, really... they made the decision. To me, the decision to take mind altering things means you're taking DOUBLE the responsibility for your actions. To me it's like not giving a crap whehter you hurt the other people around you, or kill them, because you don't want to take $20 out of your fun time to make sure you have a ride home. I'd rather sleep on a corner than drive drunk.

And you know, it wouldn't surprise me much if she was purposely doing coke and drinking while pregnant... even so...

The idea that anyone would take another's life, and on top of that the life of an unborn child makes me feel outraged and hopeless and sick. I couldn't go with my mother because I would yell and be hysterical, and that would be counter productive. I want to scream at my brother- hell, at both my brothers, both of them use drugs and drink to excess, and tell them that THIS is what happens.

And... the idea that this is COMMONPLACE, this happens all the time, and I always seem to be the only one in tears every time I watch the news, and no one understands why I'm upset when I watch violence...

I hate living in a world where this is acceptable. He'll go to jail, but no one will be shaking their fists to the sky trying to figure out why this happened, what he did that made him do such a thing, whether it was merely drive drunk, or to hit her. And I feel bad that I don't feel sad necessarily for her, but... for the world in general. My brother was her only real family other than her children, and he's a useless sociopath.

And now my anxiety riding in cars is even worse. I couldn't get in the car to drive down the block in our gated community to get the mail. I freaked out when my friend drove me over to their house to "get my mind off things"...

I hate the world so much, I hate the anger and the hurt and the lack of compassion. The lack of humanity.
Tags: death, substance/drug abuse, venting

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