Jenni (koikana) wrote in _survivors_,

not doing well...

I'm not going to kill myself.

But I realize that every night, I am praying that God ends it. I have a beautiful daughter, and while I'm sure I'm a horrible mother, I can't leave her with MY mother.

I'm in pain, all day, every day. I'm tired. I'm useless, and I yell at my daughter, I never feel safe. I hate myself, I hate my memories, and I feel old. I'll turn 25 next month, but I know people who are 50 who seem to have sailed through life without a bump or scratch. I feel like every day since I can remember has been a battle, and I am exhausted.

I cry all the time now. My friends were over helping me clean, because I can't even clean under my own power any more. My daughter was being a brat, my dog was sick, chewed up the bathroom carpet, poo'd all over the bathroom, and chewed up a disposable razor and possibly ate one of the razor blades.

Suddenly it was too much and in front of two of my friends- one of them who doesn't know that much about my past and is a little... naiive, to be nice about it, about such things- I broke down. I slammed a 409 bottle against a door, sat down in a puddle of dog-dookie-409, and cried, shaking and moaning, unable to stop.

They're my friends, I should be able to... But... I hate it, hate it...

I hate that I can't be like a normal person.
I don't enjoy anything anymore, and everything I do makes me hurt. It sounds stupid, but it's not FAIR.

I'm on pills. I see a therapist. Trying to work things out, but I know that even if I never thought about those things again, even if my mother wasn't screwing up and I found a money and health insurance tree, even if my daughter magically could take care of herself... I'll still be bipolar, I'll still be sickly, I'll still have fibro... Everything eternally sucks.
Tags: depression, stress, suicidal thoughts

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