Dori (bluestareyed) wrote in _survivors_,

This should not be upsetting me

I shouldn't care. Not anymore.

I just found out that my mentally and sexually abusive ex is getting married, and I'm pissed. I managed to spend almost two years getting past thinking about him much, after cutting off all contact with him. I dumped him and we tried to stay friends, but I realized I had too much anger at him. I would be upset and angry every time I saw a picture of him smiling. I wanted to see him suffer. I finally got kinda scared at how angry I was an realized how poorly it was effecting me, so I cut him off.

Apparently, the fact that his is lying, abusive, raping sack of shit isn't enough for some of my friends to stop talking to him, hence, how I found out about his impending nuptials. He and I were engaged for almost 2 years. I never met his mother or any of his family except his brother who would cover for him with his "ex" when he was at my house. This girl has met his entire family and they have only been engaged for a few months. I'm angry at this because it makes it even clearer to me that I was nothing more than his whore, who he dangled an engagement in front of because he thought it would keep me around and when I didn't immediately accept it, he emotionally manipulated me into accepting. This asshole almost destroyed my relationship with the person I ended up marrying, by fucking my mind up so badly that I couldn't even trust being loved for real.

I'm fucking angry at how two-faced he is, and I'm still apocalyptically angry that he can find even one measure of happiness in this world, and I'm terrified at how angry I am. The vengeful, cynical side of me wants to tell his fiancee that she is marrying a rapist. The fact that I am still struggling not to do that scares me incredibly.
Tags: venting

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