I'm Just Me (dreamalwz) wrote in _survivors_,
I'm Just Me

I posted this on my LJ. It isn't directly related to the abuse, but I believe it may stem from it. The earliest memories of my childhood were around 3 when the abuse began.

I go on facebook and I get this sense of jealousy, sadness, and anger. I've found kids I went to school with at Linton Hall that were 3-4 years behind me. I found Lori and Julie (next door neighbors..."sisters"). It's just.....I see all these pictures of them growing up. Of these girls having a childhood, friends, smiles that look genuine where you can see the happiness in their eyes. I see them in high school now or getting ready to go to college. Some are even in college. Where am I? Still stuck in 7th/8th grade at 12 or 13 years old. I even remember then feeling like I didn't change since I was 5. Maturity? Dissociation? Disconnected from the real world? I don't know. I don't feel immature, never have. Kind of "that's so stupid and dumb! imaginary friends, "house," hopscotch, etc. were pointless to me as a child. I couldn't find joy and fun from simple things that every other child did. Cartoons were boring. I didn't like any "childhood" activity fun. I wanted to stay with the adults and join in their conversations all the time. Of course I didn't know what they were saying, but I felt more comfortable there than with dolls or anything else a kid would play with. I see these girls not worrying about their bodies and embracing the changes. Me? I wanted to disappear. The ED took complete control and has been that way since I was 12. Let's not even get into the fact that they are completely comfortable with their sexuality and enjoy being female....I can't stand it and desperately want to change that. I was constantly bored growing up even if I had anything I wanted available. Not selfish and like "meh, i'm bored, next toy b/c I could get it." but just....I didn't care. I felt again they were trivial and stupid and immature. I still am constantly bored. NOTHING really seems to hold my attention and isn't stimulating enough.

I don't know if I was emotionally stunted at 12/13, but as I said, I've always felt this way from the earliest memories. I honestly felt like an adult in a tiny body of a toddler. I never fit and in never belonged. I still don't. I want/need to be in the adult world and I can't get there quick enough. I don't know if intellectually I was "higher" than many kids my age...wasn't tested. Not bragging because honestly, I feel incredibly stupid, again because things are so boring to me that I just don't care. My mind wanders and I can't concentrate at all on the material.

HOWEVER, at the same time I'm terrified of it. The closer and closer I get to where I've felt I should be my entire life....the more I'm afraid I'll fail. This is a huge contradiction I don't think anyone really can understand. I want to go back to being a child. I kind of WANT to relive the childhood and not have a care in the world. I remember growing up constantly being worried, thinking in an adult manner, trying to think the best way to do things and was very analytic, so much so that I exhausted myself out....I am still that way. Everything had to be orderly and perfect from that young age today. Today it is the OCD that continues.

I've never really written this out before I don't think...was I a messed up child that has continued into adulthood?
Tags: depersonalization/derealization, processing

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