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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I don't even know how to word this..I joined this community awhile… 
24th-Feb-2009 07:44 am
fate purple hearts
I don't even know how to word this..I joined this community awhile ago,had a long post about my past, but got frustrated w/ trying to post it..one day maybe..

so quick past history--when I was 3 or 4 my half brother abused me. I never thought it was anything but touching, but 6 months or so ago, had a dream of him raping me and i never dream about him and it felt so real. Here lays in the question--if this happened, would it mean my (sorry, don't know how else to put this and am really scared even posting and looking up technical terms just...sorry) cherry was popped than? Questioning because I finally made love for the first time about 4 months ago and I obviously was um..lets just say it took a handful of times for it to no longer hurt and "completely pop"....can this happen twice or was my dream just a dream?? so confused

if someone could word this better, please just tell me and i'll change how it's posted...
(right now going to walk away before i delete it..not comfortable, but need to know..gah)
Comments 
24th-Feb-2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
I wanted to first say that I'm glad you posted it and kept it up. That's a big deal. And I know someone else will be able to answer your question. You worded it just fine. The "cherry" you're talking about, I believe, is your hymen. It can actually "pop" just by riding your bike or doing any other daily activity but that doesn't mean that sex, the first time or first few times, won't hurt. My understanding is that the hymen isn't the reason that sex is painful. It's the fact that your vagina has muscles that needs to be "stretched" essentially, for sex to not hurt anymore.

Anyway, I tried to answer your question, though I'm not sure I did. I'm sure other people will comment and have more knowledge about it than me. Regardless, I'm proud of you :) Posting here can be really intimidating and scary. Good for you!
24th-Feb-2009 05:01 pm (UTC)
thank you..seriously, you both were so kind and understanding and non judgemental and that means the world to me...i don't feel like a total freak after reading both responses--seriously, thnak you
24th-Feb-2009 04:26 pm (UTC) - (there's a mod note in this at the end)
It depends on your point of view. If looking from a scientific point of view, the first time your hymen is torn via sexual intercourse, your virginity is "lost". Now, if you don't have sexual intercourse again for some time, your hymen can heal, and it can be torn again. Also, after a long period without sex, even if someone was sexually active for a long time, but takes a year long break, things will be tighter and more painful when they start having sex again. So if you were raped as a child, and didn't have sex again until you were older, it would hurt just like the first time all over again.

BUT - I don't ever say that a survivor's virginity is ever stolen by his or her abusers. For example, women who ride horses often sustain damage to the hymen from all that bouncing on a hard saddle. But it doesn't mean the horse took their virginity simply because the riding of the horse caused the damage. The first person you choose to have sex with is who you gave your virginity to. Because, well, science isn't everything. It can explain how things happen physically, to help us make sense of things, but it doesn't mean that we get the choice of who we give our virginity to taken away.

On a mod note: could you add "incest" to your trigger description? That's the only thing I see missing from it. If you want, you can change the phrase cherry-popping to be specific about the hymen being torn, but that's up to you. But adding incest to your trigger warning would be a big help.
24th-Feb-2009 04:55 pm (UTC) - Re: (there's a mod note in this at the end)
thank you..i was terrifed to even post this(can barely talk about any of the past stuff in therapy, but as we work on it, the more memories that are coming up) I didn't know that the hymen can tighten again and it's reassuring you saying I didn't lose mine to him...that was one thing i held onto dearly for years(virginty) and at age 28(now) finally found someone i trust enough and it's hard, but that would be another post..thank you, i will make the changes
(Deleted comment)
24th-Feb-2009 07:27 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you told me about this community--it will take time, but I am going to train myself to think this way as well.
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