pushed_too_far (pushed_too_far) wrote in _survivors_,

Hi guys. Sorry i haven't been around for some time, i hardly ever get internet access where i am and i am sorry to be here asking for support when i haven't been able to give any. I do think of you often and hope everyone is doing ok.

I am living and working at a hotel resort in far north Queensland Australia. I'm not sure if you remember me because it has been a while, but i moved here from England. Right now i can't think why i ever thought it would be agood idea.

It is not enough to just move to break the cycle. It isn't enough to be on a different continent. I am still me. I am still in this body. I have been binging and purging like crazy. I know i have put weight on. I just want to get out of this skin sometimes. I cut myself in the shower today for the first time since i got here. I am like an emotional yo yo, i am either high and hyperactive or in the depth of despair and i cant cope like this any longer.

I was so lonely at xmas that i rang my father (abuser). What the fuck is with that. I came here to break contact with my old life, with everything and i go and do that. Now he has my phone number. MY mother has been calling me. I miss her actually which has come as a total surprise. I just want to be able to help her but i cant right now. Speaking to them makes me feel guilty and like i am going behind my other gaurdians back and some how betraying  them since they have taken care of me. But then at the same time i feel guilty that i am betraying my real parents with them. What the hell is this all about. I am so confused.
I just needed to get some of ths out for some one else to see. Thanks fo reading
Tags: contact with abuser, eating disorder, self-injury
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