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Hi guys. Sorry i haven't been around for some time, i hardly ever… 
25th-Jan-2009 05:51 pm
Brave toaster

Hi guys. Sorry i haven't been around for some time, i hardly ever get internet access where i am and i am sorry to be here asking for support when i haven't been able to give any. I do think of you often and hope everyone is doing ok.

I am living and working at a hotel resort in far north Queensland Australia. I'm not sure if you remember me because it has been a while, but i moved here from England. Right now i can't think why i ever thought it would be agood idea.

It is not enough to just move to break the cycle. It isn't enough to be on a different continent. I am still me. I am still in this body. I have been binging and purging like crazy. I know i have put weight on. I just want to get out of this skin sometimes. I cut myself in the shower today for the first time since i got here. I am like an emotional yo yo, i am either high and hyperactive or in the depth of despair and i cant cope like this any longer.

I was so lonely at xmas that i rang my father (abuser). What the fuck is with that. I came here to break contact with my old life, with everything and i go and do that. Now he has my phone number. MY mother has been calling me. I miss her actually which has come as a total surprise. I just want to be able to help her but i cant right now. Speaking to them makes me feel guilty and like i am going behind my other gaurdians back and some how betraying  them since they have taken care of me. But then at the same time i feel guilty that i am betraying my real parents with them. What the hell is this all about. I am so confused.
 
I just needed to get some of ths out for some one else to see. Thanks fo reading
Comments 
25th-Jan-2009 11:06 am (UTC)
I remember you, and please don't feel bad about not always being able to offer support! I'm the world's worst at that lately, and I have internet full-time.

I guess I'm still a little lacking in any advice, but wanted you to know there are other people here and who care. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time lately. Please be gentle with yourself. None of it was your fault, and I think a lot of conflicting feelings are inevitable. Confusion seems to be almost universal with all of us, I guess.

Sorry I'm not making much sense tonight, this is one of those nights that's just "weird" for me. No real reason.

Take care, :)
Steve
25th-Jan-2009 10:02 pm (UTC)
Of course we remember you - and we're here for support. Those who can offer it, do, and that's why there are so many of us here. Lots of us only have brief periods of being able to offer support, and that's okay. It took me 7+ years of receiving support before I could offer some to anyone else. And just by being you, and being open about what you're going through, you're letting someone else know they're not alone.

Moving provides you with a new environment, but you still carry the past with you. You're not weak or dumb or worthless - you gave yourself the opportunity to get away from the triggering environment, and it HAS helped. This is the first time you've cut in a long time. That's a huge amount of victories under your belt, and one temporary defeat.

We all do things we wouldn't normally do when we're lonely. You reached out to someone you knew you had access to, and there's nothing wrong with that. It didn't make you feel better, and you know it's not a good option for the future.

We're here for you, however we can be, and it's good that you're writing this all out. Getting it out so you can process it will help.
26th-Jan-2009 12:48 am (UTC)
*safe hugs* I remember you! And don't feel bad, I have spells where I can't be as supportive as I would like to be. I guess that's the nice thing about this community... you give as you can. :-)

I don't have any words of wisdom. Just know you're in my thoughts and (nondenominational) prayers.
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