Her Royal Highness Consuela Destiny Shaniqua Arnaz (holly_go_noor) wrote in _survivors_,
Her Royal Highness Consuela Destiny Shaniqua Arnaz

Facebook and Myspace are both evil.

Okay, first of all, I did something really stupid. I know it was stupid, but only for legal reasons. I made a myspace profile in my rapist's name, and went into great detail about what he did in the "about me" section. I friended people I that know him. Yes, it was dumb and I had every intention of taking it down as soon as people saw it. Oh, I figured I'd get a few "you're lying" messages, I was prepared for that.

And I know that technically he could sue me for libel (since he was never convicted), but I also know that if I took it down quickly, it would be a hard case and anyways, if he wanted to do something stupid like sue me, HE would be the one with the word "rapist" next to his name, not me, so it would be unwise.

So I predictably get an email from a girl asking if it was really him or if I was just "trying to fuck him over". She said she was disturbed by what I wrote. I wrote back, saying that no it was NOT him, but yes it did happen and that it disturbs me more. I never mentioned my name because she is friends with my stepbrother.

So I take the profile down, but not before my stepbrother sends me a message with the heading "Shame on you!" and the message, "I can't believe you did that."

Um...excuse me? Oh, what did you do when I was raped? You didn't say a damn thing to him? And now you're saying it to ME?

Even my stepfather said he couldn't see what his problem was, because I never mentioned him OR myself by name so I wasn't trying to drag him into anything.

I should also mention that my stepbrother is still friends with my abusive ex. They're not close, but still. Who stays friends with a family member's ex, especially when they abused them?

I wrote him a pretty long email back and tried to hold back from saying, "excuse me but after your silence on this issue for so long, who the hell do you think you are?" and "maybe if you'd said or done something at the time, I wouldn't feel so fucking angry but since you and our brother did NOTHING, you have to deal with it."

He never emailed me back, which is fine by me.

I got an email from my sperm donor. He just said, "where are you? I've missed talking to you. Love, your lousy Dad."

What kind of sorry attempt at a guilt trip is THAT? I want to write him back and say, "because every time I talk to you I end up wanting to kill myself" and "what the hell, you abuse the hell out of me as a kid and now I'M supposed to feel sorry for YOU?" but I just ignored it. It still pisses me off that he's trying to pull the victim card.

When I was 14, I had a boyfriend and another girl was jealous. She befriended me and yada yada - broke us up. How predictable.

She used my trust to do that and then added insult to injury by calling ME and cursing at ME.

A full TWO YEARS LATER, I was reading a local 'zine that some of my friends published. I noticed she was a contributing poet, but basically ignored it because I didn't want to think about her.

HOWEVER, as I was flipping through it, I saw the word "rape" with my name next to it.

Turns out she had written a poem that graphically expressed her wish for ME to be raped and murdered.

She called several years later to apologize, and I hung up on her a good three times before I finally relented and listened to her apology.

I accepted it at the time, but now? Well, she knew I'd been abused by my father when she wrote that poem. Now time has gone by, and I actually WAS raped, I WAS beaten.

I saw her on Facebook the other day, and I want to punch her lights out for being such a bitch. I realized that, given what's happened to me since I last spoke to her, I've become even more traumatized by that poem as the years passed.

(I should mention that when I called attention to the poem to the editors and stores selling the magazine, it was pulled from the shelves and she was kicked off. Still, how the hell did it get through, anyways? I'm all for free speech, but SOMEBODY had to read that and be like, "no, that's NOT okay", right?)

Anyways, seeing her face just made me feel how I felt when I read it for the first time. I should mention that she talks about "Little Alex" in the poem as well.

As far as I'm concerned, she raped me by proxy. I felt raped when I read it, and now it's over 10 years later and I had let it go, I thought I'd let it go, but seeing her picture (I didn't look her up, she and I have mutual friends), and remembering all of that after the rape (I'd almost forgotten about it), just makes me see RED.

I know she was a stupid kid at the time, but WTF? I wasn't that stupid, I don't know many people that ARE that stupid. Artistic outlet, my ass. It wasn't OFFENSIVE, it was an assault. PERIOD.

I want to write to her and tell her what I think of her, but I know that would be stupid, "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean it, I was just a dumb kid", whatever.

I'm super-pissed right now.
Tags: abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, abuse: verbal, family, rape

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