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Facebook and Myspace are both evil. 
19th-Jan-2009 12:40 am

Okay, first of all, I did something really stupid. I know it was stupid, but only for legal reasons. I made a myspace profile in my rapist's name, and went into great detail about what he did in the "about me" section. I friended people I that know him. Yes, it was dumb and I had every intention of taking it down as soon as people saw it. Oh, I figured I'd get a few "you're lying" messages, I was prepared for that.

And I know that technically he could sue me for libel (since he was never convicted), but I also know that if I took it down quickly, it would be a hard case and anyways, if he wanted to do something stupid like sue me, HE would be the one with the word "rapist" next to his name, not me, so it would be unwise.

So I predictably get an email from a girl asking if it was really him or if I was just "trying to fuck him over". She said she was disturbed by what I wrote. I wrote back, saying that no it was NOT him, but yes it did happen and that it disturbs me more. I never mentioned my name because she is friends with my stepbrother.

So I take the profile down, but not before my stepbrother sends me a message with the heading "Shame on you!" and the message, "I can't believe you did that."

Um...excuse me? Oh, what did you do when I was raped? You didn't say a damn thing to him? And now you're saying it to ME?

Even my stepfather said he couldn't see what his problem was, because I never mentioned him OR myself by name so I wasn't trying to drag him into anything.

I should also mention that my stepbrother is still friends with my abusive ex. They're not close, but still. Who stays friends with a family member's ex, especially when they abused them?

I wrote him a pretty long email back and tried to hold back from saying, "excuse me but after your silence on this issue for so long, who the hell do you think you are?" and "maybe if you'd said or done something at the time, I wouldn't feel so fucking angry but since you and our brother did NOTHING, you have to deal with it."

He never emailed me back, which is fine by me.

I got an email from my sperm donor. He just said, "where are you? I've missed talking to you. Love, your lousy Dad."

What kind of sorry attempt at a guilt trip is THAT? I want to write him back and say, "because every time I talk to you I end up wanting to kill myself" and "what the hell, you abuse the hell out of me as a kid and now I'M supposed to feel sorry for YOU?" but I just ignored it. It still pisses me off that he's trying to pull the victim card.

When I was 14, I had a boyfriend and another girl was jealous. She befriended me and yada yada - broke us up. How predictable.

She used my trust to do that and then added insult to injury by calling ME and cursing at ME.

A full TWO YEARS LATER, I was reading a local 'zine that some of my friends published. I noticed she was a contributing poet, but basically ignored it because I didn't want to think about her.

HOWEVER, as I was flipping through it, I saw the word "rape" with my name next to it.

Turns out she had written a poem that graphically expressed her wish for ME to be raped and murdered.

She called several years later to apologize, and I hung up on her a good three times before I finally relented and listened to her apology.

I accepted it at the time, but now? Well, she knew I'd been abused by my father when she wrote that poem. Now time has gone by, and I actually WAS raped, I WAS beaten.

I saw her on Facebook the other day, and I want to punch her lights out for being such a bitch. I realized that, given what's happened to me since I last spoke to her, I've become even more traumatized by that poem as the years passed.

(I should mention that when I called attention to the poem to the editors and stores selling the magazine, it was pulled from the shelves and she was kicked off. Still, how the hell did it get through, anyways? I'm all for free speech, but SOMEBODY had to read that and be like, "no, that's NOT okay", right?)

Anyways, seeing her face just made me feel how I felt when I read it for the first time. I should mention that she talks about "Little Alex" in the poem as well.

As far as I'm concerned, she raped me by proxy. I felt raped when I read it, and now it's over 10 years later and I had let it go, I thought I'd let it go, but seeing her picture (I didn't look her up, she and I have mutual friends), and remembering all of that after the rape (I'd almost forgotten about it), just makes me see RED.

I know she was a stupid kid at the time, but WTF? I wasn't that stupid, I don't know many people that ARE that stupid. Artistic outlet, my ass. It wasn't OFFENSIVE, it was an assault. PERIOD.

I want to write to her and tell her what I think of her, but I know that would be stupid, "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean it, I was just a dumb kid", whatever.

I'm super-pissed right now.
(Deleted comment)
19th-Jan-2009 09:43 am (UTC) - THANK YOU!
You're exactly right - I am grasping for control. I'm tired of not having it. One of my other friends is going through something similar and we've talked about how since we turned on "the bitch switch" everyone is suddenly wondering what happened to us.

As for my dad, it bothers me but as long as I don't speak to him I'm *sort of* okay. He's not in my life now. I cut him off seven years ago, and only very occasionally have let him back in - and those times were just short phone calls. I've tried to reconcile and I've left the door open plenty of times for him to at least say, "I know I wasn't the greatest dad" or something - even though that would be an understatement - but I learned that he's just never going to take the ONLY way out, which is the HARD way out. He's like that in every aspect of his life, it's not just me.

As for my brother, I don't know what his deal is. I know when my ex and I broke up I got upset he was still friends with him and he still wanted to be pretty much because I was so angry about it (he didn't want me bossing him around). At least that's what my mom says, he never says anything about it. He knows about the rape and the abuse, but for some maddening reason the people in my family like to sweep things under the carpet.

It drives me NUTS, which I think is why I have such a tendency to blow a gasket every so often. I get so tired of people looking the other way, that I force them to see things they don't want to. I mean, I have to deal with stuff, shouldn't they be supportive?

Maybe that sounds vindictive, I dunno. But I do want more control and it seems like in order to take more control I have to be a royal bitch to people - they are so used to walking all over me that I HAVE to be that way or else I'll fall into the trap and go the easier way of just letting people push me around.

Which is another subject entirely, but I'm glad you brought it up because it's something I'm really struggling with right now!
(Deleted comment)
19th-Jan-2009 10:50 am (UTC) - Re: THANK YOU!
Oh, thanks for the add. I added you back. :)

I must warn you though, I went through a crazy period for a couple of months recently O_o.

And what happened with your dad - that's exactly what I'm worried about happening with mine. I know that I've made the effort, but I've often thought about what I'm going to feel when he dies. I can't spend time with him, because when I do I feel insane (mind you, I haven't seen him in 7 years since my grandmother's funeral). When I talk to him, he's so self-centered and never expresses any concerns whatsoever.

Example: Every time I've ever dated anyone, his only question has been, "is he a white boy?"


I never quite knew how to answer that (though the boyfriend I had when I was 14 was Jewish, which I don't think he approved of. I had to hear a barrage of Jewish jokes when I was dating him. He heard my husband is Arab and his question was, "so does he know how to build a bomb, hawhawhaw.")

Anyways, back on track...I'm afraid of the coulda shoulda woulda thing biting me one day, too. I know it's probably going to and I can find a little bit of solace knowing I've done what I can, but it still eats at me.

I'm sorry about what you went through with your dad. :( that sounds terrible! I want to be the bigger person as well, but as I said before - being around him makes me so crazy that I just can't.

I think the worst thing about that particular situation is that I love my uncle and his wife, but I can't be too close to them because of my dad. They know about the abuse and have never discredited me, but I still don't feel comfortable around them. :(
(Deleted comment)
19th-Jan-2009 11:27 am (UTC) - Re: THANK YOU!
I talk to them and email them occasionally. But I live in Idaho (and used to live in Georgia), and they all live in Florida. It would be really hard to see them and NOT see him.

So I do keep in touch, just not as much as I'd like. :-/
20th-Jan-2009 01:11 pm (UTC)
That poem she wrote would have infuriated (and hurt) me like nothing else ever could. Rape is a terrible thing to have happen, and unless a person has been through it, they don't understand just how horrible it really is.

Just because you accepted her apology doesn't mean you have to magically be her friend again or forget what she is capable of. I don't know if I could ever look a person like that in the face again without resorting to violence.
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