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First, let me know if I missed any triggers. I will be going to bed… 
6th-Jan-2009 10:35 pm
conan

First, let me know if I missed any triggers. I will be going to bed soon and will not be able to fix anything for reasons that will be mentioned in the post, so delete this if need be. I don't want to hurt anyone.

This kind of rambles from one point to another, sorry in advance.

Okay, my brother made multiple plans to kill me and one day he tried.

Thankfully, he moved out a month ago.

Today I was watching SVU and as part of it, one sister had killed another. This obviously put me in a bad place.

Not even 5 minutes after it ended I was informed that my brother would be home for a few days starting tonight. The last time he came home, I cried. This time when I found out, I cried. It made me realize that after he had did that to me up until the time he first left, I felt unsafe. I lived my life trying to be sure to not anger him. I was afraid. When he left, for the first time, I felt welcome in my home. Once he came back, it was all over. Even after he went back to his apartment after the first time he visited, I felt unsafe again. I think it's because I realized that I can never feel safe until I know I will never see him again. My parents don't know, they can never know. Even if they did, they would justify what he did, but I knew what he did was wrong. He was older. He should have known.


Comments 
7th-Jan-2009 04:51 pm (UTC)
::big safe hugs:: My sister tried to kill me twice, so I can understand that level of feeling unsafe. I'm sorry that he's going to be back around you again - it's so unsettling knowing that someone who would try to do that to you is going to be in your space again, and I'm sorry your parents are so unsupportive.

I hope he leaves sooner than expected. Be gentle on yourself for the next few days - you deserve some peace
7th-Jan-2009 06:32 pm (UTC)
*safe gentle hugs* I've never been through this with a blood relative before, but I can relate to the feelings of feeling unsafe. My bf's sisters have both threatened to kill me (and one sister threatened and tried to kill us both) numerous times. Being near either of them upsets me greatly.

Do you have anywhere you can go while he's over? Maybe stay at a friend or relative's house for a few nights? I really hope he leaves really soon. Your home should be a safe, happy place. :-(
12th-Jan-2009 01:20 am (UTC)
*hugs* I am so sorry that you've had that experience. Unfortunately, I have too. My older brother threatened to kill me countless times, and tried to a couple times. Despite me telling my parents about the incidents, they did nothing. My brother continued to hurt me, physically, emotionally, and sexually, and I stopped telling my parents. Because my parents still idolize my brother, he is around for holidays etc. and it's a really stressful situation for me. I don't have much advice, except that maybe you could find somewhere else to stay for a couple of days, or even just a couple of hours each day, to give your mind a rest from being vigilant (understandably) all the time. I hope that he leaves quickly and that you stay safe.
--Leah
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