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Hi, im new to this community. Im 17 and live in England. I dont even… 
5th-Jan-2009 10:01 pm
Hi, im new to this community. Im 17 and live in England.
I dont even know how to write this cause i cant bare the thought that someone else is gonna read it apart from me. Anyway, here goes....In August last year i was raped in a public bathroom. The guy in there told me the mens was out of order, i completly bleived him, he started to come towards me...pushed me into a cubicle. He told me he had a knife and to give over to him, so i did. I was there for 15 minutes whilst he raped me. Everytime someone came into the cubicle he told me to be silent. Afterwards he threatened that if i went to the police he would find me. Even though i know that this is imossible i believed him and i never told a soul. My friends semi found out when i was drunk and blurted something out but apart from that no body knows. I feel so guilty and ashamed for not telling the police because i know that he could have done this to someone else.

Ive suffered with bulimia for nearly 3 years now.....i started self harming about 2 months before the assualt but after that i took to cutting my thighs and arms more regularly. 

Guilt is the main thing in my life that gets me down. I feel guilty for it every single day.....i blame myself for everything that has ever happened. Deep down i know i could not have stopped the assualt but on the surface i still consider it my own fault. I remember his smell so vividly that it keeps me awake at night. Im scared hes going to come back again. 

Phew - that felt so good to get that all out. Even though i dont know any of you guys.. Thankyou for listening. xxx
Comments 
5th-Jan-2009 10:34 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the community, I'm glad you found us.

Guilt and feelings of shame are part of our instincts - if we were to blame for what happened, it means it's preventable, and that our world is safe. It is not, of course, our fault in the slightest, but that's why it feels that way. Once someone makes the choice to hurt another, the best we can do is damage control.

Rape is a horrible thing to experience, and I'm sorry that you've lived through it, too. We're so terrified and in shock afterwards, that it's almost impossible to know it's okay to go to the police. It's so scary, and so intimidating - what if they don't believe me? what if the guy comes after me? - that of course you didn't go right away. Only about 10% of people do go.

It took a lot of strength to share your story with us. I want you to know that reaching out for support and community is a wonderful gift to yourself. While it's sad to know there are so many of us who've been hurt like this, knowing that what you're going through is a normal reaction to a crazy person hurting you is so important.
5th-Jan-2009 10:43 pm (UTC)
hi ... thankyou for your reply. This is a truly amazing community and you all seem so kindhearted. I was terrified that the police wouldnt believe me and would laugh at me for it.

Take care of yourself.x
6th-Jan-2009 01:43 am (UTC)
Welcome. :) Whew, I think the feelings of guilt are universal with us all. It always seemed so horrible that everybody feels guilty except the abusers! Please try to remember that you did nothing wrong. We all did the best we could, and we survived. That's a pretty big accomplishment, I think. :)

Take care,
Steve
10th-Jan-2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
Hi, welcome to the community! I share the feelings of guilt. A lot. I try and keep remembering that I did nothing wrong -- the people who hurt me (older brother and ex-boyfriend) were wrong. Most of the time that thought goes out the window, but sometimes it sticks. I'm hoping that as you, and I, keep recovering, it will stick more often than it goes.
--Leah
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