muffintopx (muffintopx) wrote in _survivors_,

Hi, im new to this community. Im 17 and live in England.
I dont even know how to write this cause i cant bare the thought that someone else is gonna read it apart from me. Anyway, here goes....In August last year i was raped in a public bathroom. The guy in there told me the mens was out of order, i completly bleived him, he started to come towards me...pushed me into a cubicle. He told me he had a knife and to give over to him, so i did. I was there for 15 minutes whilst he raped me. Everytime someone came into the cubicle he told me to be silent. Afterwards he threatened that if i went to the police he would find me. Even though i know that this is imossible i believed him and i never told a soul. My friends semi found out when i was drunk and blurted something out but apart from that no body knows. I feel so guilty and ashamed for not telling the police because i know that he could have done this to someone else.

Ive suffered with bulimia for nearly 3 years now.....i started self harming about 2 months before the assualt but after that i took to cutting my thighs and arms more regularly. 

Guilt is the main thing in my life that gets me down. I feel guilty for it every single day.....i blame myself for everything that has ever happened. Deep down i know i could not have stopped the assualt but on the surface i still consider it my own fault. I remember his smell so vividly that it keeps me awake at night. Im scared hes going to come back again. 

Phew - that felt so good to get that all out. Even though i dont know any of you guys.. Thankyou for listening. xxx
Tags: eating disorder, rape, self-injury

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