hysteria74 (hysteria74) wrote in _survivors_,

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New poster

Hi this is my first post here, though I have been reading this LJ for some time.

My truth is that I was sexually and physically abused from the age of 5 - 17. my mother beat me and pimped me out to her boyfriends. I've lost count how many of them raped me. I never told anyone until some years ago when it all came to ahead and I had a nervous breakdown. I have been in therapy since then. I struggle every day with the memories. Today I wrote this in my journal and I felt this would be a good place to get some support.

my father has once *again* accused me of lying about the abuse I suffered as a child. He said I was lying. He doesnt understand just how hurtful that is. Why would anyone lie about something so horrendous? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and cant stop crying. I feel so utterly lost and so alone. I miss Linette. I miss Mulder. I miss Kylie so so so much. My life in Australia wasnt that bad it was good I always thought that coming home would be fine but it has been nothing short of a total disaster. I dont know how to keep my head above water. I want to just die. Why does this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why does life hate me so much? WHY WHY WHY? I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want things to be the way they were when I was happy. I would give anything for that. Even my life. Its just not worth anything.. I cant live like this With the constant nightmares. With a feeling that I will never recover. What if I end up abusing my kids? I am SO scared that this will happen. Every time I go to sleep or I think, I remember the rapes. I remember that it wasnt one but 5 men. That I couldn't stop it and noone stopped it. I remember the beatings my "mother" gave me. I remember the feeling of isolation and neglet.

I know if Linette was here she would remind me to think of the positives to think that despite all this I am who I am. A wonderful caring loving person.

I miss having someone to tell me it will all be ok.

I feel so alone and sick. I want love. I want someone who loves me to hold me and make it all go away and the only people who can do that are too far away. I am alonge and unhappy and suicidal. I dont know what to do anymore. Why does everyone hate me so much? Why me?
Tags: abuse: child, abuse: csa, invalidation, rape
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