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1st-Jan-2009 10:07 pm
Hi this is my first post here, though I have been reading this LJ for some time.

My truth is that I was sexually and physically abused from the age of 5 - 17. my mother beat me and pimped me out to her boyfriends. I've lost count how many of them raped me. I never told anyone until some years ago when it all came to ahead and I had a nervous breakdown. I have been in therapy since then. I struggle every day with the memories. Today I wrote this in my journal and I felt this would be a good place to get some support.

my father has once *again* accused me of lying about the abuse I suffered as a child. He said I was lying. He doesnt understand just how hurtful that is. Why would anyone lie about something so horrendous? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and cant stop crying. I feel so utterly lost and so alone. I miss Linette. I miss Mulder. I miss Kylie so so so much. My life in Australia wasnt that bad it was good I always thought that coming home would be fine but it has been nothing short of a total disaster. I dont know how to keep my head above water. I want to just die. Why does this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why does life hate me so much? WHY WHY WHY? I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want things to be the way they were when I was happy. I would give anything for that. Even my life. Its just not worth anything.. I cant live like this With the constant nightmares. With a feeling that I will never recover. What if I end up abusing my kids? I am SO scared that this will happen. Every time I go to sleep or I think, I remember the rapes. I remember that it wasnt one but 5 men. That I couldn't stop it and noone stopped it. I remember the beatings my "mother" gave me. I remember the feeling of isolation and neglet.

I know if Linette was here she would remind me to think of the positives to think that despite all this I am who I am. A wonderful caring loving person.

I miss having someone to tell me it will all be ok.

I feel so alone and sick. I want love. I want someone who loves me to hold me and make it all go away and the only people who can do that are too far away. I am alonge and unhappy and suicidal. I dont know what to do anymore. Why does everyone hate me so much? Why me?
1st-Jan-2009 10:37 pm (UTC)
That sounds like a terrible experience, particularly when it's compounded y someone close not believing you. I may be completely wrong, but from what you've written it sounds as if your father accuses you of lying because he can't face the guilt he feels about the truth (ie that you experienced that suffering for years and he was unable or unwilling to do anything about) and that would make him a bad parent.

I think you're very strong for dealing with this and not being cowed by other people telling you you're lying.

What happened that made you leave Australia and your supportive loved ones, if you don't mind me asking?
1st-Jan-2009 11:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the support. I don't know why he acts the way he does. Maybe its because he feels guilty I dont know but I dont think that gives him the right to say what he did.

I left Australia because I lost my job and with that the visa that allowed me to stay. Being a Brit I came back home but have suffered problems since coming back. I miss my friends there and my fiancee. We're hoping to get her in when I finally get a job and can support her.
1st-Jan-2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
First, welcome. I can relate a lot to your experiences, unfortunately. Can you email or contact the people who do care about you? Did you have to leave your therapist behind when you moved? If you dont have a new one (or even if you do) and want someone to talk to, I've found that rape crisis counselers are usually trained about child abuse and stuff. And please come back here and talk. I've found it a really good place. (My abuse included child prostitution as well, and abuse by family.)
1st-Jan-2009 11:07 pm (UTC)
Hi thanks for the support. I rang a friend I have here in the UK and he was a great listener and support. I did have to leave my therapist behind and am looking to try to get a new one. Sadly all requires money and without a job, things are outside of my reach. Im not sure where to turn to without money.

This place does seem like a good support and that people can apreciate/identify/understand how you feel.
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2nd-Jan-2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
It's something to look into. I have spoken to a local GP and she put me in touch with a mental health team. I have their number to call if I need to speak to someone and ofcourse I know I can call the Samaritans or similar. I think a lot will get better once I have something more stable in my life. The only thing I can do is keep plugging away at it all and hope it gets better.
1st-Jan-2009 11:17 pm (UTC)
I was sexually abused as a child, too, and I'm sorry that you went through something similar. My immediate family didn't believe me, either (my father was my main abuser, my mother and sister enabled him).

It takes a great amount of strength to share your story with us, and I'm glad you found our community. While it's horrible that we all went through abuse, we at least have each other to lean on to get through the hardest times.

There is peace to be had, even if there's a long, hard road between us and seeing more of that peace, but I want you to know, from one child sexual abuse survivor to another, that there is peace to be had.
1st-Jan-2009 11:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I am looking for that peace and desperate to sense just a small part of it
3rd-Jan-2009 12:08 am (UTC)
*safe hugs* if you'd like them.

My father doesn't believe that I was raped, either. I wish I had good advice. I just want you to know you're not alone.
3rd-Jan-2009 12:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your support and I am *so* sorry to hear that your father doesnt believe you. I can never understand why the very people who should support and protect us, can fail us so dramatically
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