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Ohhhhhh shit 
28th-Oct-2008 02:14 pm
I feel like I am in so far over my head and will never get over this.  Halloween will be the first anniversary of my rape.  well, technically, November 1st, but I was coming home from a halloween party so I consider it halloween.  I'm not a big anniversary person and normally I don't think i'd be so freaked out, but goddamn it.  costumes and candy and fucking parades everyone...i feel like it's all there to remind me.  i hate it.

anddddd i have just decided to pursue legal action against my rapist (who is now continuing to harrass me).  on the one hand, i am so much stronger this year than last, and i am proud of myself for taking this step.  on the other, it's just so damn hard.  and part of me wonders if i should be doing this at all, or if it's just going to make the hell last longer.

i wish i could just move on.  i'm just not sure how to do it..
28th-Oct-2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
I hear ya. Christmas is a hard time for me because that was when the truth came out about my abuse. I think it's harder when it happens around an occasion that people like to make a big deal out of.

Congratulations for taking legal action. That takes a lot of strength, and I believe you're doing the right thing.

As to moving on, you just have to take it one step at a time. Do what you can do for now, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

*big safe teddy bear hugs* if you want them
29th-Oct-2008 04:20 am (UTC)
First anniversaries are pretty tough - the toughest (in my opinion) of the anniversaries. Think of it this way: you have to deal with anniversary triggers for just a couple weeks each year (about a week before and after are the major triggers). So in the last 52 weeks, you've had 2 weeks of practice coping with those triggers. Next year you'll have had 4 weeks, etc. It's perfectly normal for your first anniversary to be hellish - you haven't built up your coping skills for that one particular stress yet, and you have a limited time in which to do so every year. Your struggling has nothing to do with weakness.

Pursuing legal action can be hell, but remember - no matter what the turnout, the fact that you did it makes all the difference.
Pursuing legal action can be hell, but remember - no matter what the turnout, the fact that you did it makes all the difference.

I agree completely. I reported my rapist and nothing happened to him (he told the police I was angry cause he was "unable to perform" and apparently that was good enough for them). I felt like total crap about it until a friend of mine who is in law enforcement told me that if/when he ever did it to another girl, they would have my report on file to help her story.

Of course I don't WANT it to happen to another girl, but I'm glad that if it does I'll have helped her out a bit, even if it doesn't help me out.
31st-Oct-2008 06:03 am (UTC) - Re: THIS COMMENT MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS
Exactly - not only can it help possible future people he hurts, but if he ever encounters you again and acts inappropriately, it also helps you to get protection orders to protect yourself, etc.
31st-Oct-2008 10:13 am (UTC)
Thanks for all the support ladies (gents? do we have any of those?). Today is the big anniversary. I'm going to work and hoping for the best. Part of me is afraid he's going to show up and make a scene, another part of me is just afraid I won't be able to handle all the festivities. We'll see.

In terms of the legal stuff...yeah, it's hard. I'm in the middle of writing my statement right now and having a women's advocate read it and edit it. I think the editing is the worst--even though she knows how these things should be written and I have no idea, and I obviously want the best one possible, it's just hard to see these things that I've written in my own words come back in these words that make me flinch a little more. I'm taking a break until today is over, and then I guess I'll try again. I just hope this is the right decision because it's a very hard thing to do.
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