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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
newbie 
7th-Oct-2008 06:33 pm
im struggling alot, I have read alot of peoples amazing stories trying  feel better about how I feel and for the most part I feel unworthy of telling my story as I havnt got all or most of the pieces and what I do have scare me or I get paranoid  its my over active imagination and Im self seeking and looking for someone to blame.  I have borderline personality disorder, Im 31, Irish and in alot of pain.  I have started to see a therapist but the service is probably getting cut and I dont have health insurance.  Im dissociating worse than ever and find it very hard to tune into whats realI was molested by my brother however as he is only 3years older, my therapist says he was considered a child so I feel unworthy to call it that now which makes me feel so sick as I feel I consented and thats not how it feels for me, I remember him spying on me when I was in the bathroom using a mirror underneath the door, now I have a phobia against using the bathroom and cant relax its really hard and i feel so aware of it but stil cant get over it for years.  I remember my Mother going to work and my father would be stil in bed and my mother telling us kids to go into your father and I never wanted to I would run back into my room, My Father always made me so uncomfortable, when I was going through puberty I felt so self consious and wanted to cover up not looking like a woman in any way or appear sexual in any way.  He has always made me feel so icky and I cant remember anything but wish the feelings would just go away, so much so I have tryed in the past being in his company denying these feelings and I have to recurrently pray or try centre myself into a happy space when im around him afterwards I was getting too drained so I stopped all contact.  I feel so confused and all my family carries a dark cloud with them.  I house share and have noticed that when someone is coming up the stairs my heart starts racing and im very fearful they will come in to my room.  Im sick of not knowing but feeling everything so much without any concrete memories..I dont even know what age I was when i started feeling like this.  I knows my therapist wants to start looking at the abuse, she says I have alot of it stored in my body and it leaks out when im speaking, its refreshing she can spot this about me and im not just going mad however, if the service gets cut i may not have the chance to get this crap out of me once and for all, I just want to be normal and not have to deal with these feelings any longer, thanks for listening theres so much I cant find words for or energy to coherentlyy document i hope this hasnt been as rambly as it feels xo
 very disorganised I apologise its my first attempt and im all over the place!
Comments 
7th-Oct-2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
First off, welcome. And while your abuser may have also been under the age of consent, this doesn't mean you consented. Being abused by a brother is a terrible form of incest, and you aren't alone. It's not "blaming someone" it is abuse.
7th-Oct-2008 08:58 pm (UTC)
you're really strong for writing about this. i hope you find the support you are looking for here. *safe hugs*
7th-Oct-2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the community, I'm glad you found us.

Him being a "child" when he molested you only changes the type of criminal charges which could be pressed against him - it does not imply consent on your part or an innocence on his part. What happened happened, and he's responsible for his choices, even if his choices were influenced by an adult abuser in his life (many kids who abuse others are acting out abuse they have lived through).

Get out all of it whenever you can, however you can. Even if it means typing it all out into this community or your own journal, purging those memories is very important. It's like cleaning out an old wound - you need the infection gone so you can heal.
7th-Oct-2008 09:57 pm (UTC)
On a mod note: some of the stuff outside the LJ-cut could be triggering. You're a newbie, so we're not mad or anything, but I wanted to let you know to put the stuff about therapy and dissociation under the cut, too. If you could do that as soon as possible, it would be greatly appreciated.
8th-Oct-2008 02:27 am (UTC)
I'm also a survivor of sibling abuse, and the situation with my (one year younger) brother also has felt very iffy to me over the years, though I know it was wrong.

I guess...I just want you to know that you aren't alone, and I know how awful that kind of abuse can be.

::Big safe hugs::
13th-Oct-2008 01:50 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm sorry that you've had such bad experiences. I'm just going to repeat a few things that others have already said:
I'm a sibling abuse survivor as well, so you're not alone. This community is really great; before I joined I had never heard of or met another sibling abuse survivor.

Usually age of consent only refers to whether the case can be criminally prosecuted; it does not in any way imply innocence or consent. Just because he wasn't old enough to be in the age of consent doesn't mean that you consented to it. Even if you had consented, that doesn't make it any less wrong. In my situation, my brother was always cruel and horrible to me, and I thought when the s.a. started that if I went along with it he would actually like me. So, I guess I kind of consented, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't wrong. (I'm kind of assuming the next things, let me know if I'm completely off base...) He was probably old enough to know better and utilized various techniques to manipulate you. Manipulation does not equal consent.

Just remember through all of this -- you're not alone. It may feel like it, but there are other people out in the world who have been through similar things and are still kicking.
--Leah
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