bnumb (bnumb) wrote in _survivors_,

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im struggling alot, I have read alot of peoples amazing stories trying  feel better about how I feel and for the most part I feel unworthy of telling my story as I havnt got all or most of the pieces and what I do have scare me or I get paranoid  its my over active imagination and Im self seeking and looking for someone to blame.  I have borderline personality disorder, Im 31, Irish and in alot of pain.  I have started to see a therapist but the service is probably getting cut and I dont have health insurance.  Im dissociating worse than ever and find it very hard to tune into whats realI was molested by my brother however as he is only 3years older, my therapist says he was considered a child so I feel unworthy to call it that now which makes me feel so sick as I feel I consented and thats not how it feels for me, I remember him spying on me when I was in the bathroom using a mirror underneath the door, now I have a phobia against using the bathroom and cant relax its really hard and i feel so aware of it but stil cant get over it for years.  I remember my Mother going to work and my father would be stil in bed and my mother telling us kids to go into your father and I never wanted to I would run back into my room, My Father always made me so uncomfortable, when I was going through puberty I felt so self consious and wanted to cover up not looking like a woman in any way or appear sexual in any way.  He has always made me feel so icky and I cant remember anything but wish the feelings would just go away, so much so I have tryed in the past being in his company denying these feelings and I have to recurrently pray or try centre myself into a happy space when im around him afterwards I was getting too drained so I stopped all contact.  I feel so confused and all my family carries a dark cloud with them.  I house share and have noticed that when someone is coming up the stairs my heart starts racing and im very fearful they will come in to my room.  Im sick of not knowing but feeling everything so much without any concrete memories..I dont even know what age I was when i started feeling like this.  I knows my therapist wants to start looking at the abuse, she says I have alot of it stored in my body and it leaks out when im speaking, its refreshing she can spot this about me and im not just going mad however, if the service gets cut i may not have the chance to get this crap out of me once and for all, I just want to be normal and not have to deal with these feelings any longer, thanks for listening theres so much I cant find words for or energy to coherentlyy document i hope this hasnt been as rambly as it feels xo
 very disorganised I apologise its my first attempt and im all over the place!
Tags: abuse: sibling, borderline personality disorder
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