Laura (martialarts4lyf) wrote in _survivors_,

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Just a vent. It may be triggering, I'm not sure. I'm still triggered from what happened to me a couple days ago...even though I'm trying to deny it and say that I'm okay. :(

Do you ever feel like you don't know how you feel? I guess numb. I'm not use to this feeling. I haven't felt like this sense four years ago after my six month sexual assault. Feeling like there is something wrong, but nothing is wrong. Being angry, but calm....feeling like there is nothing wrong. Pretending nothing was your fault anyway. Being happy...or are you sad and lonely. Wanting something, but wanting nothing. Wanted the comfort of someone's touch, but at the same time, you never want to be touched again. Trusting...then pushing away. Being alone when so many others are there that want to help and understand. Wanting to curl up and die alone...then also wanting everyone who loves you surounding you. Is all of this a useless ramble...does anyone else understand what I'm talking about.

I don't think it's what happened that making me so upset...I think it triggered everything. Or maybe that's my denial. Maybe I'm just telling myself it wasn't that big a deal to just triggered me.

I think I'm angry and depressed. That's how I feel right now...and confused. I'm shaking now. Gah... :( I hate this, I hate the pain, I mostely hate the confusion. I hate the longing to have someone right now to talk to who understands. I was happier earlier, I was just covering it up. I knew I was, but I let myself do it. I wanted to feel happy.

What happened to me a couple days ago also showed me who my true friends were. People I didn't think would care or understand supported me and helped me. Then there were some people...people who I thought would understand and support me, they shot arrows through my heart...told me they agreed I was stupid and that I'm weak and helpless. Partially my dad...then three other friends.

I was already dealing with the crap from my past. Then this decided to jump aboard. I should have been more carefull. You would think I would be looking out for myself. I trigger so easily now-a-days...I need to be carefull. That one instance triggered all of this crap.

I'm so low right now...I'm still shaking. I'm so confused. Does anyone else go through this? :( I wish I could cry.
Tags: friendships, processing
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