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26th-Apr-2005 01:20 am
Just a vent. It may be triggering, I'm not sure. I'm still triggered from what happened to me a couple days ago...even though I'm trying to deny it and say that I'm okay. :(

Do you ever feel like you don't know how you feel? I guess numb. I'm not use to this feeling. I haven't felt like this sense four years ago after my six month sexual assault. Feeling like there is something wrong, but nothing is wrong. Being angry, but calm....feeling like there is nothing wrong. Pretending nothing happened...it was your fault anyway. Being happy...or are you sad and lonely. Wanting something, but wanting nothing. Wanted the comfort of someone's touch, but at the same time, you never want to be touched again. Trusting...then pushing away. Being alone when so many others are there that want to help and understand. Wanting to curl up and die alone...then also wanting everyone who loves you surounding you. Is all of this a useless ramble...does anyone else understand what I'm talking about.

I don't think it's what happened that making me so upset...I think it triggered everything. Or maybe that's my denial. Maybe I'm just telling myself it wasn't that big a deal to me...it just triggered me.

I think I'm angry and depressed. That's how I feel right now...and confused. I'm shaking now. Gah... :( I hate this, I hate the pain, I mostely hate the confusion. I hate the longing to have someone right now to talk to who understands. I was happier earlier, I was just covering it up. I knew I was, but I let myself do it. I wanted to feel happy.

What happened to me a couple days ago also showed me who my true friends were. People I didn't think would care or understand supported me and helped me. Then there were some people...people who I thought would understand and support me, they shot arrows through my heart...told me they agreed I was stupid and that I'm weak and helpless. Partially my dad...then three other friends.

I was already dealing with the crap from my past. Then this decided to jump aboard. I should have been more carefull. You would think I would be looking out for myself. I trigger so easily now-a-days...I need to be carefull. That one instance triggered all of this crap.

I'm so low right now...I'm still shaking. I'm so confused. Does anyone else go through this? :( I wish I could cry.
25th-Apr-2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
I hear you. Little things wig me out, for days, or weeks after. I understand. It's frustrating, that loss of emotional control, and it's over little things.
25th-Apr-2005 11:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah...thanks for understanding. :) Am I over reacting or is it normal?
26th-Apr-2005 03:58 am (UTC)
No, Laura--you aren't over-reacting at all.

I think many people are often ignorant of how being assaulted can affect one, both in the short term and the long term--we each have different "symptoms", if you will. Being ignorant, they act like ignorant people, which is to say--thoughtlessly and stupidly.

I read earlier about what happened to you recently--I'm sorry you had to face that. :-(

If it makes you feel any better--it's not your fault that you "froze" when you were dealing with that guy, despite your training. It's more complicated than it appears, the reason why--and the solutions are more complicated than practicing physical techniques, if that makes sense...waay more complicated. It's...a different kind of training.

The confusion, the anger, the depression and guilt--these things are *normal*. If anything--being completely honest with yourself and accepting that these things are normal and okay for you to feel is a really big step. It's not something to be ashamed of--it's the truth of where you are at inside, and it's *alright* for you to feel these things, and express them. You have every right to feel what you feel.

For example--if someone's mother died, and that person was crying at the gravesite, wouldn't a person who said that other person's grief was "over-reacting" be considered a jerk? It's the same thing with you and your feelings, y'know?

And being confused about your feelings is also normal, FYI.
You can take some small comfort in that, for what it's worth.

Have you been going to counselling regularly? It's important that you do--it helps a lot. Indeed, at this stage of your life, it's crucial, IMHO.

Don't let the bastards grind you down, kiddo.
Stay safe, take care.
26th-Apr-2005 06:22 am (UTC)
Very well said.

Its amazing to me how people think they know how someone should feel in response to something they themselves have probably never been through themselves. To me it always shows me who the 'asses' are ...as they are assuming they know better than you how YOU should feel. Ack!! Amazes me at the audacity EVERY SINGLE TIME!!

Laura, you sound like you are right on track emotiononally in working this through. You ARE paying attention to your emotions and listening to them. You ARE recognizing and trying to define and place. Sometimes there just isn't a place for them to fit into.

I learned very recently in therapy concerning my own abuse that there are some things a woman is conditioned to from an early age that no training will side step. None. And you are NOT to blame.
I blamed myself for years. This was the first time that I could actually see with the abuse that I received that I DID THE BEST I COULD TO STAY ALIVE. The rest was secondary. I stayed alive. That was my accomplishment, and you know....it was more than enough. It doesn't matter how anyone else judges it. It was enough.

26th-Apr-2005 09:39 am (UTC)
My friends' negative reactions hurt so much. At least I figures out who my true friends were before something really serious happened... still hurts though.

Thank you very much. It's nice to know I'm going in the right direction and I'm not alone with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around in a circle in the dark, but I guess when I come out of this I will find I did move forward. I had pretty much completely stopped blaming myself for my past asssault, then this recent thing happened. It itself wasn't that bad(compared to what else I've been through), but it triggered so much. Some feelings that I had forgotten about.

Thank you again. :) It helped a lot.
26th-Apr-2005 10:14 am (UTC)
Thank you again for writing me. :) It helped a lot and was encouraging. I wasn't sure I new how I was feeling last night. Then as I was venting it out in that post all of the true emotions were able to come up and I was able to list them. Finally figuring out how I felt helped a lot. I guess because of a couple people I talk to they make me feel like I'm overreacting because they don't understand and they're ignorant because they haven't been through it. I shouldn't let their opinion have any effect on me though. Right? I'm still figuring out how to open up and talk about it and get things out, and I'm glad all of this confusion is normal. I tend to want to isolate myself and close up to everyone...I become very distant. I'm working on not doing that though.

I'm starting counseling next Friday. That'll be the first class I've ever been to. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm nervous at the same time.

Thank you again for writing me. :) It helped a lot.

26th-Apr-2005 10:30 am (UTC) - Freezing
I went through something kind of similar to what you did a few years ago. Not as bad, but perhaps the story will help?

I was sick and unable to leave the house for a period of several months. One of my best friends had moved away for a few months, and her husband (also a long-term friend of mine) had stayed behind. He came over to visit me one day, supposedly to keep me company. He had ulterior motives. He put his hand on my thigh while we were sitting on the couch, brushed my breast with his hand once "accidentally", etc. Nothing really bad happened, just inappropriate touching and closeness, but despite the fact that I definitely didn't want it to be happening, I let it go on for about 45 minutes. I think he took my lack of protest as encouragement.

When I later told his wife and another friend what happened, neither of them understood why I had let it go on for so long. The unspoken question was whether I had been enjoying it, wanting it, thinking about going further. I certainly wasn't. But for years, I blamed myself. I couldn't figure out why I didn't just tell him immediately to leave. Now that I'm dealing with all this abuse stuff, I realize that I froze. I didn't know why at the time, but I just lost the capacity to act for a while.

You're not alone in your reaction. It isn't your fault. For people with abuse and/or assault in their backgrounds, situations like this are very difficult to deal with. We get severely triggered, we doubt that we're interpreting the situation correctly, we don't want to make a scene and hurt his feelings, and we simply don't want to believe that it could be happening to us AGAIN.

I know how friends' negative reactions can hurt, and make you doubt yourself. But they don't have the background that you have. They cannot understand what it is like to have that deer-in-headlights feeling, and how difficult it is to defend yourself when you feel that way. Those friends of yours who blame you for what happened, just don't get it. They may well love and care about you but they're trying to get their heads around something that they don't understand, and they're failing. You are not stupid. You are not weak and helpless. You are simply operating on a slightly different wavelength than they are because of your past experiences. Don't let them convince you that this is your fault. What you should be proud of is that you did eventually stop it. Even with that freeze reaction, you eventually got out of the situation. That is not the act of a stupid person, or a weak and helpless person. It is the act of a strong woman, who is overcoming things that your friends can't even imagine, and still protecting herself. Good for you!

Wow, this got long. Sorry. :)
26th-Apr-2005 03:51 pm (UTC) - Re: Freezing
""We get severely triggered, we doubt that we're interpreting the situation correctly, we don't want to make a scene and hurt his feelings, and we simply don't want to believe that it could be happening to us AGAIN.""
That is exactly how I felt. It's nice seeing my thoughts come from someone else's mind. Do you know what I mean?

Thank you so much for telling me your story and saying all of those encouraging words. It helped a lot. :) You're completely right about the friends thing. I know that, but it hurt so much.

All of you have helped me out so much. I feel slightly better today. :) I took a long walk and I was able to feel peaceful for those two hours. Everything is back on my mind again, but that two hour walk in peace was great. :)
26th-Apr-2005 01:30 pm (UTC)
yes, i am going through it right now. i think we all have gone through it. more disturbingly i think we all HAVE to go through it to get to the other side. i am sorry that those people were mean. i am here for you if you need me. i will comfort you in the best way i can. i hope my words dont sound too empty. i am praying for you and sending you huggles!!!

26th-Apr-2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
Your words aren't empty at all, it means a lot. :) I think you're right, I think we do have to go through this to get through to the other side. I had to go through it once, I can do it again. Although I don't think I made it all the way through the first time either. Thank you for being there for me. Like I said, it means a lot. :)I hope it doesn't sound empty when I say I'm always there for you too. :) How have you been?
27th-Apr-2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
thank you. you're words are NOT empty. they are comforting. i am glad you are working through all of this. i am here. thank you for being here. i am doing ok... how about you?

*sending you huggles*
27th-Apr-2005 09:15 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I'm able to help you, because you are definitely a great help to me. :D I doin' okay too. Still stressed out and getting over my trigger, but a lot better. :)
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