becca, bec, becs, spracks, mommy (lennons_momma) wrote in _survivors_,
becca, bec, becs, spracks, mommy

possible triggering?

hi, my name is becca and i just came across this community. i am a 27 year old single mom of an 8 1/2 month old boy. here goes...

i grew up with very little self esteem because i was always overweight. people at school always made fun of me, and it cut me to the core. after high school, i met a guy that i really liked. i lied and said i wasn't a virgin. when it came time to actually have sex, i got extremely nervous, and wanted to back out. when he found out it was because i was a virgin, he got angry and raped me.

i wouldn't consider him a boyfriend. my first "actual" boyfriend was wonderful for the first two months, and then the abuse started. at first it was emotional, and verbal. so minimal at first i didn't even really realize it. after he had successfully cut me off from my family and friends he started hitting me. he would normally hit me where you wouldn't be able to see it. you know, like upper arms, where your shirt would cover it. we fought all the time, but i rarely fought back for fear of what would happen if i did. i got pregnant, and about 6 months into it, i had a miscarriage, most likely due to all the stress and the fact that he was still hitting me. he wouldn't even drive me to the hospital.

we ended up homeless, and while staying with some friends, he went on a bender and put a loaded gun to my head and asked me if i was ready to die. that was only the first time he tried to kill me. he still beat me all the time, and one night he almost cut my throat because i hadn't gotten the dishes done. i had to rely on him for everything. he wouldn't let me work, he controlled all the money, he even drove my car. i was lucky to eat once a day. we got in another arguement while driving down the highway one night, and he tried to push me out of the car going about 60.

after a year of abuse, he finally got tired of me, and left me. but then started stalking me a few weeks later. driving by my grandparents (where i was staying) late at night when i was coming home from work. calling and threatening me on the phone. it was scary as hell. i lost 85lbs during this time because of all the stress and the fact that he was basically starving me.

i couldn't handle what i had been through, and began a daily process of trying to kill myself. i must have attempted suicide more than 50 times. fortunately i never succeeded.

that was 8 years ago. these demons still follow me. i am now, finally, in weekly therapy and on antidepressants to work out these demons. i am glad to have found a community where i can talk with others who have been through similar situations, and just vent if i'm having a "down" day.

thanks so much for having me. i'm glad in a way that i went through this. it made me a stronger person than i was, and made me a whole lot less naive about how the world works.

Tags: abuse: control, abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, introductions, miscarriage, stalking

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