lostparagon (lostparagon) wrote in _survivors_,

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Trying to deal and failing.

Just to warn everyone before they even click... this is gonna be long.

I haven't posted here in a long time. I doubt anyone will really remember me, but that's ok. I kinda pissed people off last time I was here. ;)

This is just kind of a general post, just because... I don't have anyone to talk to. I apologize beforehand that it's rambly, I talk as I think. And thus my typing follows that. I'm sorry that most of it isn't abuse related. I just need to talk. Mods can delete.

I finally found one friend, that I really thought I could just be friends with. I even warned him beforehand that I have a really hard time being close to people without being attracted to them. So I figured I was good. Except... I did it again. He makes me happy, which apparently I can't deal with realistically. This is why I tend to avoid having people, is just because I know that I can't, without the complications. I've never had a friend I didn't feel the need to sleep with.

The worst part of this being, I almost think he might be able to be another person that I wouldn't "freak" (dissociate) with. I almost think he might be good for me, if I could see that I'm not such a freak. I could sleep with people other than my Fiance.

It's been tearing at me through the years. That my Fiance makes me normal. He makes me as functional as I'm ever going to get. And I do love him. I have no desire to leave him. But I also know that part of him knows I can't leave. I can't be sexual with another person and be mentally present, I'm too fucked in the head to date. I think that in some ways makes him complacent, because he knows I can't/won't leave.

It sort of makes me sad, some nights. Most of the time I try to not think about it, but some nights it really gets to me. That even though he does love me, and he does need me, there's no reason for him to fight for me.
I don't feel trapped, honestly. I'm choosing to be with him. But I wonder sometimes if he would even know what to say if I chose to leave, y'know?

Ugh. Sorry for the rambling.

I'm pretty sure I need to distance myself from this friend, as happy as he makes me. Just because I have no desire to cheat, and the desire he provokes in me can't be good. Heh. I really wish I could honestly find one person I could trust, that I don't want to sleep with.

It scares me that that could be something I might never find. Do people even have friends they're not attracted to? I'm starting to think it's a lie.

I think part of this is because the first friend I ever had sexually abused me. And after that... Anyone who paid me even the slightest bit of attention, I'd start crushing on instantly. I honestly can't help it, but I hate it. I hate that I feel that need, that desire. I want to relate to people on a normal level. I feel like such a freak most of the time, because I can't control that feeling.

I'm normally so in control that this scares me. It's like I stop knowing that I need friends, and I just focus on this not-reality where this person could love me, and it could be good. :\

I really am sorry at how unrelated this is.

Again, feel free to delete.

I'm almost 21 years old, and I feel like I'm wasting my life most of the time, which doesn't exactly help with my being depressed. I have no real social life, I don't go out of the house for more than an hour a week usually, for grocery shopping. I see my Fiance for around 15 minutes a day, after which I go back to the computer. It's... sort of like I'm sleepwalking most of the time. But I'm too scared to find people, just because it always ends the same. Either I come off as a freak, or I get overly attached. Neither of which people want.

It's been awhile since the last time I seriously cut.

Here's the thing, y'know? I'm happy most of the time. Yeah, I get no social contact, and I'm wasting my life, and my health sucks a lot of the time, and I worry that my relationship is stagnating, but... I'm usually happy. It's just when I stop and think about it, that I rage inwardly. And only inwardly, mind you, because the people I occasionally talk to don't want to hear my talk about that stuff. I help them with their problems, not the other way.

I just feel so hopeless most of the time.

Sorry for taking up so much page. Have a good night.
Tags: processing, relationships

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