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Not sure what the hell I'm doing, but... 
21st-Apr-2005 06:01 pm
dog, joyride
I made an appointment to meet with the DA tomorrow morning at 8:00am.

It has been 7 years since he started, 5 since it stopped.

I don't exactly know what I want out of this meeting, but I just feel like I have to do it.

At the opening ceremony for Take Back the Night, the DA (a male) was thanking several people in the community that enabled this day to be possible. At the end he said (slightly paraphrased), "I especially want to thank the young woman who sat across my desk from me earlier this week. She told her story with such dignity and courage, even through the pain. It is people like her who make my job worth doing."

And I was pissed that he wasn't talking about me. I hadn't had that courage to sit before the DA and tell MY story. I so wanted to be that woman. So I've sat on this for two weeks...two weeks and five years. I don't think I have a case. But I need to hear that from them. I have no evidence. My scars are all internal. And as I've posted, I'd acted out "rape fantasies" with him just to try to have some control over what happened. I'm so afraid they'll not see this as a survival strategy, but as encouragement for what he did to me.

But I keep thinking that if the court doesn't know that this stuff goes on, no one will ever be able to prosecute in cases of relationship sexual violence. Even if they tell me now that I don't have a case, maybe I'll strike a chord with someone who will go to bat for people like us and make it possible for women to come forward. I kind of feel like a lamb to the slaughter. I'm so damn scared. And I'm not trying to martyr myself on here. I just want to be able to do it and come back here and post afterward that I'm still alive, that it didn't kill me. So that maybe someone else will be able to take this step. And even if nothing happens in the first few cases, it will start to happen. I believe this. I'd really like to be able to post that the experience has been a positive one, but I know there are no guarantees. I've already called my favorite male (excepting my dad) and asked if he would be available for me to talk to tomorrow after the meeting, because I have a feeling I'm going to be a mess.

You don't have to post comments, but if everyone reading this could just take a moment to send me some strength and positive energy, I could really use it.

I'm also wrestling with a lot of guilt. I'm asking myself if I have the right to do this to him, since he was a victim too. I really don't want to see him become someone's bitch in the "Big House," if something does happen. I feel sorry for him, while I also hate him. Ugh, such a mixture of emotions. He knew what he did. He knows what he did. And I'm so damn tired of this fucking PTSD. And I know it won't go away if they do lock him up. I could live without doing this, but I'm so sick of looking at the statistics for women not reporting and knowing I'm one of them that didn't do it. I don't think there is anything wrong with me or anyone else that hasn't reported. Given the rape culture we live in, it is completely understandable why we don't, but I just can't stand it anymore.

My advisor to SAPA asked me what I thought my role was in the organization. I replied, "Well, I know people were worried that with me being older and assertive that I would try to take over leadership of the group. We have so many "leaders" that I didn't need to take on that role. I guess I have a different definition of leader, the one who is willing to be the first one into the dangerous places just to show others it is possible to come out okay and alive on the other side...you know, like the platoon leader who goes into the foxholes or walks point instead of having a private do it." He just nodded. I'm not sure what he thought about that. I can't encourage anyone else to do anything I haven't done and this is why I'm doing it. Goddammit, I'm so scared.

Oh, if any of you are survivors of relationship sexual violence and have been through this, could you tell me what to expect? I have no idea what I'm walking into. I haven't even reported it to the police. The DA's office knows this, but they allowed me to schedule an appointment anyway.
21st-Apr-2005 03:06 pm (UTC)
wow-you go girl-that is way brave. It's nothing less than inspiring. I am nervous for you! lol My tummy has butterflies now-be sure to come back and tell how it went!

I think we all have the guilt and mixed emotions and hate/love. I know I do anyways. It's hard, and it hurts. I wish I had an anwser, but I can only say you're not alone, and I hate PTSD too. :-) Stay strong-you can so do this! -Brittany
21st-Apr-2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
I dont understand your post.. He acted out rape fantsaies with you, and now, you're testifying against him for it? Is that right? or am I missing something?
21st-Apr-2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
I made a post in this community yesterday or the day before about how after he was raping me regularly (I didn't call it rape then), I tried to convince him to act out fantasies with me because then I had some sort of control and consent. I thought that maybe that would make him stop doing it WITHOUT my consent. We didn't do this very often. He hated it, go figure.

I'm trying like hell to link you to that post, but am really frustrated. I'll post the link as soon as I figure out what the problem is.
21st-Apr-2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
here it is, I hope!
survival mechanisms
22nd-Apr-2005 04:34 am (UTC)
okay, i understand now. i can sympathize with you.. I also tried having a boyfriend be rough.. on purpose to kind of "make it right".. its not an easy thing to go through..
21st-Apr-2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
i am sending you positive energy and prayers and hugs and all that stuff. post and let me know how you are. i hope you're well. you can do this. you are strong.

21st-Apr-2005 08:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. I'll keep everybody "posted" ha!
22nd-Apr-2005 02:30 am (UTC)
What state do you live in? You might look into information about the statute of limitations. I live in Kansas and I know the statute of limitations here is 5 years. So I don't know if that makes a difference for you.
22nd-Apr-2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
Thanks. It is 10 years here.
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