luvpumpkin (luvpumpkin) wrote in _survivors_,
luvpumpkin
luvpumpkin
_survivors_

what if i am wrong?

i have been hesitant to write - which is a very strange thing for me :)

my biggest fear in situations like this, is an inadvertent "pimping" of another's pain or experience... deep within me, at my core, i have a sense of violation.  of a dirtiness so apart of me, it cannot be separated from anything i seek to say or do. 

but i have tried to be open and learn about the cause of this sullied place within me and as of this writing have found no source.
i remember certain things but these things remain nebulous... shadowy and so inexact, they fail description.

i want to say right here and right now that i KNOW SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME....
because i feel it is true,

but i do not know.  not for sure.

my symptoms, and sensations and dissociative-altering triggers speak volumes about something only whispered.

can i possibly be a survivor of only a screwed up sense of memory?
a made up trauma/violation?

can what i fear and feel be anything but what i sense it to be?

i was afraid to take away from those who know they were made broken by claiming only an un-proveable sense of such brokenness. 
and if i have offended in anyway, please forgive me - truly.

xoxo
Tags: anxiety
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