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what if i am wrong? 
2nd-Jul-2008 10:17 pm
i have been hesitant to write - which is a very strange thing for me :)

my biggest fear in situations like this, is an inadvertent "pimping" of another's pain or experience... deep within me, at my core, i have a sense of violation.  of a dirtiness so apart of me, it cannot be separated from anything i seek to say or do. 

but i have tried to be open and learn about the cause of this sullied place within me and as of this writing have found no source.
i remember certain things but these things remain nebulous... shadowy and so inexact, they fail description.

i want to say right here and right now that i KNOW SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME....
because i feel it is true,

but i do not know.  not for sure.

my symptoms, and sensations and dissociative-altering triggers speak volumes about something only whispered.

can i possibly be a survivor of only a screwed up sense of memory?
a made up trauma/violation?

can what i fear and feel be anything but what i sense it to be?

i was afraid to take away from those who know they were made broken by claiming only an un-proveable sense of such brokenness. 
and if i have offended in anyway, please forgive me - truly.

3rd-Jul-2008 02:39 am (UTC)
There really is something called repressed memory. And what you describe sounds a lot like it. For years I didn't fully "know" I'd been abused by my father. It came in little pieces, which I doubted, and still doubt sometimes, but I know it's true. Trust yourself. And be patient with yourself. You forgot for a reason- because it was too much. So please be gentle with you.
3rd-Jul-2008 02:50 am (UTC)
thank you for that. i really believe you are right... and i will be patient while whatever i need to know unfolds in its own time.

thank you so much!
(Deleted comment)
3rd-Jul-2008 03:10 am (UTC)
thank you SO much! i have felt so alone... i let my fear of being wrong and therefore somehow being offensive to those who truly DID (and do) suffer, that i never sought support. thanks for being that for me!

3rd-Jul-2008 03:06 am (UTC)
A lot of times survivors do have the details hidden away from themselves. You still have the symptoms/ repurcutions, but you can't remember it. Give yourself some times. Try some counseling. It'll work itself out.

3rd-Jul-2008 03:11 am (UTC)
i agree.
thank you too for being there!
it will help me sort this all out knowing i can call on the people here!

3rd-Jul-2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
We're all definitely here for you. =)
3rd-Jul-2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
That means more than u could know. I've felt ashamed not just of what could have happened but that I didn't know if it did for sure... I felt like I didn't belong w those who knew they weren't touched and those who knew 4 sure they they were. I felt alone... But now I'm feeling like there could be a place and a people 2 which I belong... Thanks all so much!

3rd-Jul-2008 03:25 am (UTC)
Sometimes the only way to cope with things as a child is to repress the memory. Sometimes "flashbacks" will come to me and I'm not sure if it is something real that happened, or some sort of dream. You're not alone. Memories will come back, it takes some time. You've taken a brave step talking about it, and that's the most important first step. **safe hugs**
3rd-Jul-2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
Thank u... I worried I wuz making it up... But who lies about that? Who's subconscious would prefer 2 feel violated over just wacky?!?

I think ur right and cuz of u guys, I feel safe enuf 2 find things out.

Thanks and hugs 2 u!
3rd-Jul-2008 03:34 am (UTC)
I agree with the other commenters. You don't have these symptoms for no reason. Trust yourself. You feel in your heart that something happened to you, then the great likelihood is that something did happen to you.

Give your mind time to recall, and I think counseling might be of some help to you too.

Good luck!

*big safe teddy bear hugs*
3rd-Jul-2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
Thank u so much! Uve all been so generous, supportive and caring. Ill figure this all out... W ur help, I'm more ready than ever!

God bless u and hugs right backatcha!
3rd-Jul-2008 04:29 am (UTC)
the mind builds these walls and blocks for a reason.

for a long time I was just weird and broken, and then an incredibly unprofessional "therapist" (I'd have sued her if she wasn't dead. I mean that in all seriousness) who'd been told by my father what'd actually happened, cheerfully destroyed the walls my mind had built around what happened in an incredibly brutal way, out of her own frustration.

major confrontation with parents followed after, etc etc and i was a whole lot more broken after that. all in all I think I'd rather have kept those walls, or at least found out what was behind them in my own time.

beware the therapist or counselor who pushes you too hard on these things.
3rd-Jul-2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
Thank u for sharing that! I completely agree! The doc I first discussed this w pushed hard and medicated me recklessly. My mind couldn't deal w the pace and the drugs and I panicked myself in2 a hospital for 3 days.

Ur advice is well taken and again, thank you.
3rd-Jul-2008 11:43 am (UTC)
Hi. I haven't posted much in here, but wanted to say I agree with the other people who've commented.
Also, I understand that feeling of wondering whether the abuse was real, or if it's "important" compared to what other survivors went through.
But so many have told me over the years that abuse is abuse, and there isn't any way to compare the damage done to me with anybody else's damage.
I hope that made sense, my brain's sort of in outer space lately. :)
Take care.
3rd-Jul-2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
I wanted 2 thank u for taking the time 2 comment. I think u make perfect sense and I completely agree w u.

Thank you so much.

3rd-Jul-2008 11:48 pm (UTC)
I agree with what the others have said, you are having these feelings and thoughts for a legitimate reason. I think it's rare for a person's mind to just "make stuff up" when it comes to this sort of thing.

Also, I noticed that you haven't replied to the Weekly Welcome Post yet. You have until Monday to reply. We remove anyone who doesn't respond to the post when their name is listed, and I'd hate to have to remove you from the community. So you'll want to be commenting to that. :)
4th-Jul-2008 08:19 pm (UTC)
Everyone has kinda already said it, but i just wanted to say i understand and feel the same way. This really struck me.

You are not alone *safe hugs*
5th-Jul-2008 05:27 am (UTC)
Cosigning all of the above. A lot of us have to make the experience seem unreal as a defense mechanism. I've been dealing with a lot of the same stuff. Like, I'd had huge blank holes in my memories that lasted for years, but I didn't remember anything really that bad, just knew I had ptsd. Then, bam, it all started coming back, some things in a very hazy way, others more immediate, direct "reliving"-type experiences. In the end, I try not to hang onto whether any particular thing did or didn't "actually happen" in precisely the way that the repressed memory is telling me it did, and try to just focus on accepting it and healing from it. The process seems to go much faster and better that way.

*Safe hugs* and good luck.
8th-Jul-2008 01:09 pm (UTC) - self-validation
Listen to everyone, Luvpumkin! If you feel that deeply that you were violated, it is a high probability that you were. If you do not explore this, you will prevent yourself from being able to heal and to learn how to love living. Search for a good therapist, and trust Volare's advice about therapists who push too hard! This will need to unfold in your time, not your therapist's. I invite you to read my journal entry entitled "Try to stick with this." I have included some history on child abuse and reform as well as begun to share my own story. I think that the history on child abuse is important for all survivors to know as it confirms that we have never been alone in our suffering, we are not alone now, and sadly, there will be many more who suffer in our future. Healing from your own experience is the one way we can break the cycle of abuse at both a personal and worldly level. I know you can find the courage, if not within youself, than through others who know where you are at. Best of luck and hold your head high!
8th-Jul-2008 04:39 pm (UTC) - Re: self-validation
Thank u so much. I will check out ur journal.

It seems that I meet shrinks that either push and perhaps even suggest OR I meet ones who say its prob something that wuz suggested and I'm just paranoid about it being true.

Did I have anxiety about this for no reason and then have my fear confirmed by a bad shrink? Or did I fear it, bring it 2 therapy, have it pushed so I closed up and now I'm just totally unsure what's up or down?!?!?

What do I do? Find a new therapist?

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